Sunday, August 28, 2011

It's Suckie Being Duckie

Long time readers may remember this was the name of one of my first entries. Same topic... just longer, updated and different words.


My apartment is directly across the street from a pretty sweet used book store. One day I was browsing around looking to spend money I didn't have and I found in their "Books About Film" section a book called 'Don't You Forget About Me.' The book is a collection of authors reflecting on their love of John Hughes and his films. The film that's discussed the most is ironically one of the films he didn't even direct, Pretty in Pink.

These essays backed up an opinion that I already had, specifically... Andie picks the wrong guy. Let's be honest, Duckie proved his love to Andie time and time again... was it a little too obsessive sometimes, yes... but at least he didn't fuck her over. Blaine asks her to the Prom and then makes up some bullshit excuse to get out of it, out of shame. The argument I've heard are good ones for while she can't end up with Duckie... to two big one's being:

1) If Andie and Duckie end up together it says that poor people belong together

2) If Andie and Duckie end up together it's only because Duckie's persistence forces her to settle.

Neither of these are solid arguments to me. I can see how it can be perceived as that, but let's break them down for starters. Poor people belong together. Do I think it should be against the law for a rich person to marry a poor person? No, that'd be ridiculous to claim that. However you know that philosophy of Opposites attract? Well guess what; rarely do they marry. I've dated girls who were the opposite of me and while fun, it's the one's that I can relate to that make me fall in love. Marriage should be hanging out with your best friend, for the rest of your life. At the end of the day Poor or Rich shouldn't even be a focus. I get the message of the movie, it's supposed to be Cinderella... the poor girl finally gets the rich prince. Finance shouldn't even be a focus point; it should strictly be about love. There's never a moment in Pretty in Pink in which I feel like Blaine loves her. Shit, I think Blaine's asshole friend Steff seems to love her more, but no one comes off as in love as Duckie does.

It's Duckie's persistence that I think shows his love for Andie best than anything. Now even I'll admit, hanging outside of the club, showing up at her work, calling her repeatedly... this borders on obsession. But healthy or not, many of us (by us I of course mean the people geeky enough to read an article about Pretty in Pink; not an average human being) can relate to this at least during our first crush.

I guess this is mostly my own personal problem. I simply relate too much to Duckie. I am a Duckie. You see it works like this; typically a Teen flick we have three main male characters. The Villain. The Hero and the Duckie.

The Villain is typically a douche' bag. He's the normally popular. In some cases he's a bully, in other cases he's an ex-boyfriend and in other cases he's the current boyfriend. Rarely does he care about the female lead. She only represents status (or lack there of in a film like She's All That). He will always end up single by the end of the movie, sometimes possibly worse.

The Hero has an origin much like the villain; except that he finds redemption. He may start dating the female lead as a bet, but true love does blossom. The Hero will briefly lose the girl, but with hardwork and determination, he will show his love for her and win her back. This is the biggest issue with Blaine. He didn't do anything but show up stag to the Prom, but still gets to bang Andie Welsh in the parking lot (or at least kiss her).

Finally we have the Duckie. He's the best friend. The straight version of the gay best friend most girls long for (and get in College). Sadly, despite being the person who understands the female lead; he always ends up single at the end or with a random female character that we've never seen or heard of previously in the film. The Duckie is nothing short of a PERFECT boyfriend. They come through where guys in the first two categories fail. They show up to prom when your date stood you up. They dance around singing Otis Redding just to perk your spirits. They go to your awkward social events like poetry readings and all lesbian punk concerts. But most importantly, they'd never begin a relationship with you on the grounds of a dare.

John Hughes always seemed to be a representation of teen angst regardless of cultural or scholastic status, but he adored the dorks and the Duckies. Sadly he never adored them enough to let them get the girl. Anthony Michael Hall (the King of Duckie characters) is the only character in The Breakfast club who doesn't get anyone, instead his romantic kiss is given to a shockingly short essay. In Sixteen Candles he ends up in a car with the prom queen (along with some photographs) and we're supposed to believe that she WON'T try to accuse him of date rape? Then in Weird Science he fails to fuck even a sexbot. When Anthony Michael Hall decided to get out of the Duckie status for a bit, he was murdered by Edward Scissorhands.

The fact that Duckie is last seen looking at a random hot girl that we've never seen before is an insult. Andie could have attempted to set him up with her co-worker (granted she was much older than Duckie) but no... of course she doesn't. Because Andie is a stuck up bitch. In fact I realized in rewatching John Hughes movies for this essay her character is almost always my least favorite, she's too whiny in all three major films. Pretty in Pink she's the least whiney, but regardless Duckie probably deserves better. It's not just films of John Hughes. Look at Goonies for a example. Mickey and Data are the only two who don't have a significant other by the time the credits roll (granted in my scenario Chunk's significant other is Sloth, but beggars can't be choosers).

What annoys me the most is that in the original ending Andie does end up with Duckie. However test audiences hated the ending and thus reshots were made. So it's not John Hughes that's against me and all Duckie kind, it's the rest of the world. I've heard that Molly Ringwald always believed that if Robert Downey, Jr. (The original pick for Duckie) had been cast the ending would have remained. The issue was that the audience didn't feel like they saw any real 'chemistry' between Duckie and Andie. I guess I can kinda see their point, I know I and others thought Duckie was gay at first, but that's neither here nor there. He is a devoted motherfucker none the less.

John Huhes apparently was never happy with the replacement ending (and rightfully so). I've heard that the change directly inspired him to write Some Kind of Wonderful which is basically Pretty in Pink with the genders reversed. In this round Duckie (now Watts played by Mary Stuart Matherson) does get his (her) Andie (Keith played by Eric Stoltz). This movie also famously lead to the end of Molly and John's collaborations (and subsequently the end of Molly Ringwald's career).

I leave on this note. I've had three girlfriends ever. I've never watched a single teen flick or romantic comedy with any of those girls. Who did I watch teen flicks with? The Amanda Beckets, Samantha Baker's and Claire Standish's of my life. I spend my life pining for my Andie Walsh. But I'll probably end up with a random blonde chick just before the closing credits song.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Late Night MixTapes

While I live in Los Angeles, I'm an East Coaster through and through. I've adjusted to the the change in atmosphere, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. That being said, if I stay in this city for 10 years... it'll be for one reason, Amoeba Records. This record shop is the holy grail for record collectors. Take a look at this photograph of their USED section:

For someone who is making just enough money to pay bills and buy food, living a 15 minute walk from Amoeba is a terrible thing for me. Since digging through their $1 section looking for something vintage-y I found two particular masterpieces of my middle school days.

Better than Ezra: How Does Your Garden Grow?

The Verve Pipe: Villains

I purchased them just out of curiosity without expecting much more than enjoying the one or two hit singles. I should have foreseen the nostalgic time machine I was about to be put into. As I sat in my car listening to At the Stars (the second best song Better than Ezra ever wrote... number 1 being Desperately Waiting) and The Freshmen (tied with Brick by Ben Folds Five for depressing Abortion songs that were radio hits) I couldn't not think of the summer of 1996-1998.

When I was in Elementary School (roughly 3rd grade) my cousin gave up on Grunge and turned to gangsta rap. Because of that I was given some of the most important albums in my life. Amongst the 10-15 CDs he gave me included masterpieces like Nirvana: Nevermind, The Offspring: Smash, Green Day: Dookie and Soundgarden: Superunknown. It drew me into the wonderful world of MTV and alternative radio. At the time, my station of choice was 103.9 WDRE. I remember hearing songs like Bullet With Butterfly Wings for the first time on the radio. I remember summers hanging out with friends in my backyard in the summer, listening to the radio, playing kick the can and watching music videos on MTV.

In 1997 WDRE turned into a rap/R&B station and I went to the only other Alternative radio station in our town; Y100. I spend many nights sitting in my room with my tape deck, waiting for my favorite songs to come on so I could record them. I still have this cassette tapes, it's funny how little I appreciated this moments as a kid. Then again how could I know in 1998 that in a few years, mixtapes would be done. My friend's band Start Select said it best 'The Playlist Killed the Mixtape'.

Regardless when I hear the songs At the Stars, The Freshemen, My Own Worst Enemy and other singles of summer's past, I wish I was back in the backyard, splashing in the pool and playing Ghosts in the Graveyard with my neighbors. It seems like those summer days are long gone now.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Saint Of the Union Address Season 2

Season 2 of The Saint Mort Show has begun it's production. Episode 1 is recorded and ready for release on September 3rd. As I did last season (quite unsuccessfully) I will post yet another wish list. There are a few return people on the list from last year.

1. Kate Micucci - Currently EP Phone Home is my favorite release of 2011. Furthermore her character on scrubs completely helped make the show interesting after a rocky 7th season. I've recently been shown Raising Hope where she is once again the most interesting element of the show (which says a lot because that show is interesting in more ways than one). I'd love to have Kate on to talk music, comedy and also growing up in the TriState

2. Phil Lord & Chris Miller - Phil and Chris created Clone High USA. Possibly the greatest cartoon series that was never given a fair chance. While I still think Daria is the greatest animated series of all time, Clone high is a close second. The show's blend of comedy and teen melodrama was brilliant yet still touching at times. Furthermore they followed up the show with the GREATLY under appreciated Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs

3. Doug Benson - Doug Loves Movies is the best podcast of all time. It's hard to explain why that is since the show is just Doug and guests talking about movies, but regardless whenever an episode downloads on my RSS Feed I stop everything to listen. I've been late to work because of it. I'd love to talk movies with Benson and even play him one of his movie themed games, specifically since those games have since entered into my daily life with friends and family

4. A Wizard Rock Group - Specifically Whomping WIllows or Harry & the Potters. I've been a huge wizard rock fan and after having Hobbit hip-hop group Lord of the Rhymes and Nerdcore rapper Misfit on last season, it seems like Wizard Rock would be the logical step. Whomping Willows' Wizard Party Forever even made it on my top 10 albums of 2010 last year for Geekscape.

5. The Cast of D is for Dog - After moving to Los Angeles the first thing one of the first things I did was see the show D is for Dog. I adored it! Every cast members performance was of the up most brilliance. I've heard rumors that the show will be returning in October, if so I'd love to do an entire D is for Dog centric episode with the writer and director as well as the cast (in character)

6. Vampy Bit Me at San Diego Comic Con Vampy was signing autographs at the Geekscape booth. We had a brief conversation about CosPlay and how does one become a CosPlay celebrity. It was such an interesting conversation that I was annoyed that I didn't record it for the show. I'd love to dig a little deeper into the subject with Vampy on the show.

7. Brian Lynch - Last year I thought there was a good chance I was going to get Lynch on my podcast. Then if fell through. Brian Lynch wrote last year's Easter film Hop but to me he'll always be the author of Everybody's Dead, my all time favorite comic book and the reason why I love comics today.

8. The Numa Numa Guy - The original viral celebrity. I'd love to sit down and talk to him about the video, the success and his new website. I almost got Numa Numa Guy (real name Gary) last year but like Brian Lynch it sorta fell through. Hopefully I can get a second shot this season!

9. Punchline - Punchline is one of my favorite bands. Every album they've released has just be increasingly better than the previous one. Their song Keystoned is the best tribute to my home state out there (sorry Goldie and Bloodhound Gang). I'd love to get them in the studio to do an acoustic song and talk about their next record

10. Charles Band - As a kid I absolutely adored the films of Empire and Full Moon Pictures. I'd love to talk about the rise and fall of the company and their current return.

If any of these 10 people happen to read this blog, please contact me at

Also sneak peek for Season 2; Episode 1

Friday, August 12, 2011

If Only They Could Tour

I've stated in some previous entries that I'm always open for people submitting their own list for me to build. Last week my friend Lauralie Navo suggested I do a list of fictional groups. I figured I'd do a list of 5, in the end I had over 40 bands and solo artists. I made some cuts and then enforced rules which basically took the most obvious answers off my list.

If the band released any album outside the soundtrack for the movie and/or toured I could no longer consider them entirely 'fictional'. Thus Spinal Tap, Tenacious D and Blues Brothers will not be appearing on this list.

Now without any further delay

17. LOVE BURGER (Can't Hardly Wait)

Our 17th band never played a note, but you can't tell me you weren't extremely curious about them. They looked like a group of friends who formed a band strictly to get more friends. Half look like they'd be in Phish while (as the movie states) another looks like Prince. Regardless I'd pay money to see them even if their set was just a 45 minute long break-up.

16. N.W.H. (Niggaz With Hats) - (Fear of a Black Hat)

Niggaz With Hats is the gangsta rap group from the mocumentary Fear of a Black Hat. They film was a financial flop despite critical praise. While it's much like CB4 this parody covers much more group of the music industry circa 1994. We see the hypocrisy of members Ice Cold, Tone Def and Tasty Tastes and their over-the-top personalities as their band rises to fame and then splits into solo projects.

15. Du Jour - (Josie and the Pussycats)

Now people are going to be rioting in the streets when they read this whole article and don't see 2ge+her on the list at all. But I was always more of a Du Jour fan. Featuring half the members of the previously mentioned Loveburger Du Jour covered everything we loved about boy bands. They bragged about their fame (Du Jour Around the World) but they also opened up to us about how much love they have to give (Backdoor Lover). They were the greatest boy band in the world, until their unfortunate plane crash.

14. Wyld Stallyns (Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure/Bogus Journey)

Bill and Ted's group Wyld Stallyns wrote a song so amazing that it turned the world into the most peaceful planet of all time. It only makes sense that the song would be "God Gave Rock N Roll To You" by Kiss (which is actually a cover Argent). Look how happy everyone is and how sick the guitar licks are. Who wouldn't love this band!

13. Pop (Music and Lyrics)

Music and Lyrics is one of the most under-rated romantic comedies ever made. As a fan of 80's music the satire on one hit wonders of that decade is solid. Pop was the WHAM of this particular universe. They had one maybe two big hits but then were never heard from again... sort of. The 'George Michael' character had a great future but this movie follows the OTHER member (in this case named Alex Fletcher. Alex is content with his life performing at high school reunions and amusement parks after an unsuccessful attempt as a solo artist.

12. The Folksmen (A Mighty Wind)

A Mighty Wind follows some folk groups of the 60's reuniting to honor their old producer. Admittedly Mickey and Mitch's song "Kiss At the End of the Rainbow" is one of the most beautiful songs ever written for a soundtrack, but The Folksmen is the group I'd want to see. Their set in the film is one of the most awkward 10 minutes in cinema but their songs are all so diverse and catchy. Their hit "Old Joe's Place" is something I literally find myself singing throughout my day. I do love folk music though.

11. CB4 (CB4)

CB4 will always be Chris Rock's finest achievement. The story is very similar to Fear of a Black Hat (although admittedly CB4 came out first) so I won't go over all the details. What I will say is that CB4's music was catchy and vile at the same time. With their controversial hits Sweat from my Balls and Straight outta Locash it's no wonder it's the most dangerous fictional rap group of all time.

10. The Wonders (That Thing You Do!)

That Thing You Do! tells the story of The Wonders; the fictional American Beatles (or what could have been anyway). It shows the rise and fall of a one-hit wonder group. Regardless of the fact this song doesn't actually exist didn't stop the song itself from being one of the catchiest songs ever written. Special thanks to Fountains of Wayne bassist Adam Schlesinger (who wrote many songs for movies including the previously mentioned Music and Lyrics)

9. Three Times One Minus One (Mr. Show)

Mr. Show is still one of the greatest sketch comedy shows ever produced. It did everything that shows like Saturday Night Live and MadTV weren't. It was edgy, random and most importantly fucking hilarious. One of their few 'reoccuring' characters was the terrible R/B group Three Times One Minus One who's hit song "Eww Eww" made them one of the greats!
Honorable Mention also to Titanica who inspired the title of Blink 182's Adam's Song

8. Robin Sparkles (How I Met Your Mother)

Before becoming a News Reporter in New York, Robin Scherbatsky was a teen pop sensation in Canada. She released such hit singles as Let's Go to the Mall and Sandcastles in the Sand. While her fame was short lived her songs stood the test of time (in Canada). If Robin Sparkles decided to do a 20 year anniversary tour I'd buy tickets... and admit it, so would you

7. The Beets (Doug)

If you were a kid of the late-80's/early-90s you grew up watching NickToons. What's weird was even if you didn't like some shows, you still watched them anyway. Not everyone liked Doug; but EVERYONE liked The Beets. They were a strange sort-of British sort-of Rock band with super bizarre songs. They demanded more allowance, they warned us of Killer Tofu and the occasionally couldn't find their sock. One of the most memorable episodes of the show (for me anyway) centered around Doug and Skeeter trying to get to a show and ending up back stage after hitching a ride with their old tour manager (who claimed it was his sock they were singing about in the song Where's My Sock)

6. Sex Bob-omb (Scott Pilgrim & The World)

Sex Bob-omb is Scott Pilgrim's band. They're a sloppy garage band but they climb the charts anyway with their hits like Garbage Truck. It's expected that the music would be pretty solid having been written by a musical genius like Beck. However all three actors play their actual instruments. I found this extremely cool.

5. Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem (The Muppet Show)

The Muppet Show wouldn't quite be the Muppet Show if it wasn't for Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. They were the most over the top, in your face band of foam rubber in history. They did mostly cover songs on the TV series, at one point destroying a Bach piece but the originals in the movie (specifically Can You Picture That) are toe-tapping masterpieces.

4. Powerline (A Goofy Movie)

I will never be able to explain it; but somehow A Goofy Movie went from being an obscure disney film that was only moderately successful to being every kid from my generation's favorite movie. I'm not going to argue with it though, because the movie brilliant. When it came out there were rumors that Powerline was voiced by Michael Jackson, that's clearly not true but it doesn't stop the songs from being amazing. Besides he's obviously inspired by M.J.

3. Mystic Sprial (Daria)

I've blogged about my love of Daria previously, so I don't want to repeat old territory. I will say this much. Daria's depiction of Garage rock through Trent and his band Mystic Spiral was brilliant. Their songs were always bad but yet, at times you wouldn't be shocked if they were written by someone like Kurt Cobain or Eddie Vender. My personal favorite lyric was from the Daria TV Movie Is it Fall Yet? song Freakin' Friends with the line 'when dead clowns, can't clown'

2. The Lone Rangers (Airheads)

Airheads is one of my guilt pleasures. It's basically a parody/remake of King of Comedy, but it's still hilarious. It follows a grunge band trying to make their big break but are constantly having doors closed in their face. Finally they start to develop a following, but only as criminals holding up a radio station to get their record played. Their single Degenerated is actually a cover of the Reagan Youth song from 1990. Personally, I prefer the film version.

1. Josie and the Pussycats (Josie and the Pussycats)

Josie and the Pussycats is without a doubt the most underrated movie of the 2000's. Beyond being one of the funniest films ever (and thus why 2 of the fake musical groups made the list) it also has the best soundtrack in a long time. The entire soundtrack is of course just Josie's album. All of the songs were written by Adam Schlesinger (previously mentioned for writing That Thing you Do!) and performed by Kay Hanley of Letters to Cleo. If you were disappointed by her bands break up, the soundtrack acts like a follow-up to Go!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Death and Shit

Much like Jared I've started eating Subway on almost a daily basis. Unlike Jared though this isn't to 'lose weight' as much as it's based on the convenience of it being only a 5 minute walk. Every single time I walk to subawy though I pass this building.

That says "Museum of Death" for those who have trouble reading it. Every single time I walk past it I can't help but be curious what it'd be like to go into it. But my longtime knowledge of Horror movies have informed me of how much of a mistake this would be. I've see House of 1,000 Corpses. That place is how a good slasher film starts. A group of teens visiting LA go to the Museum of Death and are never heard from again.

Speaking of things that'd make an awesome horror movie. I was listening to Insane Clown Posse today...

Okay I want to clarify something immediately. I love Insane Clown Posse, but i'm not a Juggalo. I don't explain why I love their music. The best way I can explain it is that I like ICP the same way I like Ed Wood movies. In someway they're so terrible that I can't not love them.

Anyway on their album Riddle Box they have a song called 12

The song tells the story of a man wrongfully found guilty for a crime and executed. He returns from the grave and murders the 12 jury members who sentenced him. The deaths include crushing heads and slashing a face up to look like a clown. Let's be honest... this sounds like a bad ass movie despite being kind of a shitty song (and that's coming from a fan of the group).

Friday, August 5, 2011

Yo! Pure Mattitude Raps!

Before moving to Los Angeles I worked at Villanova. I worked in the kitchen and to make the time go by faster we'd make top 5 lists. It was basically High Fidelity but 100degrees and shittier. My co-worker/friend Jerrel was a rapper so hip-hop music became a frequent topic in our top 5 lists.

One time we were trying to decide who was the world's worst rapper (who was trying to be serious). Jerrel kept trying to put Skee-Lo on the list. I wouldn't allow it, (a) I Wish is one of the best rap songs ever (b) I don't consider him trying to be "serious". We did agree on Shaq, Project Pat (or anyone else from Three 6 Mafia) and of course Soulja Boy Tell 'em.

One of our biggest and lengthy's discussions was this:

You meet someone who has never heard rap music before. He wants to know the best of the best but also wants it to cover various levels of hip-hop. He only has enough money to purchase 5 albums. What are the 5 albums you recommend to him?

No matter what your list was, someone in the kitchen would yell "HOW COULD YOU HAVE NO BIG DADDY KANE?" or "YOU PICKED THAT ALBUM!" This was my list. I will admit that there are no surprises on this list but there's a reason why they're classics.

5. Notorious B.I.G. - Ready to Die
Biggie Small's debut album is a blend of the gangsta rapper image of the late 80s/early 90s mixed with heartfelt sincerity. The single Juicy is one of the most touching 'rise to celebrity' stories. The album opens with the birth of our rapper and it goes throughout his life ending on the stand-out track Suicidal Thoughts in which Biggie calls his friend Sean "Puffy Daddy, P Diddy, Swag" Combs and starts manically rambling out all the reasons he wants to end is life. It's dark, touching and the perfect ending note for this album.

4. Wu-Tang Clan: Enter the Wu Tang (36 Chambers)
Wu-Tang Clan is built around a group of Brooklyn friends and relatives. Each rapper had their own rap style. Whether it's Method Man's smooth verses or Ol' Dirty Bastard's crazied sing/talk/rapping the album has some of the most memorable verses in hip-hop. Rza's low production values at to a gritty and raw sound. Unlike many rappers at the time, while Wu Tang had gangsta cred and could easily 'fuck yo ass up', they also dropped pop culture references like a bunch of Brooklyn Tarantino's. Example Method Man's solo rap Method Man has a hook that's a reference to Hall & Oats "Methods of Modern Love" and the opening line is a reference to the Rolling Stones. That's just a starting point, kung fu flick samples and comic book reference galore make this one of the most original debut albums of all time.

3. A Tribe Called Quest: The Low End Theory
While N.W.A. was terrifying us white people and creating genre of gangsta rap... the Native Tongues Posse created Alternative Hip-Hop. The combined efforts of The Jungle Brothers, De La Soul and A Tribe Called Quest brought positive hip-hop over jazz samples back into the rap genre. This list could very easily be replaced with De La Soul: 3 Feet High and Rising what was the deciding factor is that Tribe's 2nd album contains my pick for the greatest rap single ever released Scenario. That being said any song on this list could have been a hit single.

2. Run DMC: Raising Hell
Run DMC are the Beatles of hip-hop. They didn't create the genre, but they perfected it for the mainstream. Almost every single song is a hit. Be it the nursery rhyme based Peter Piper or the tribute to their favorite pair of shoes My Adidas but it will be remember for it's Aerosmith debut/cover Walk This Way. With Walk This Way Run DMC took hip-hop to the mainstream. The blend of hip-hop and rock helped open the doors for hip-hop's ability to reach rock fans and paved the way for the Beastie Boy's debut album License to Ill. Speaking of which...

1. Beastie Boys: Paul's Boutique
At the time of it's release the Beastie Boy's follow up album was a flop. Isn't that the way most masterpieces' origins begin? While License to Ill is a brilliant album that's heavily influenced by Run DMC, Paul's Boutique is the Beastie Boys being all their own. The stars of the show aren't just Mike D, Ad Rock and MCA but the incredible sample heavily beats by the Dust Brothers. While the album still isn't known for it's singles (although some people will know Hey Ladies) every track is an impressive combination of rap, rock, funk and movie clips. One of the biggest highlights is the ending of Eggman where the dust brothers sample the shower scene from Psycho overtop of the first attack sequence in Jaws creating one of the the greatest singular horrifying closing moments to a song. In closing here is the (in my opinion) the best song on Paul's Boutique as well as the best song the Beastie Boys ever recorded.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Am I a LA-er yet?

So I've officially lived in LA for a month. I still haven't decided if I love this city or hate it. On one hand I made $300 this week just by sitting on my laptop and had a blog entry blow up. I also was able to buy 7 books, 3 CDs and DVD for under $50. On the other hand... this city is fucking intense.

Currently I'm listening to a non-stop sound frequency. I live across the street from the Church of Scientology Celebrity Center. We received a letter today because they have a big "event" this weekend. They warned us that they will be doing sound checks the next few days and not to be worried. What I think is that they're trying to contact whatever aliens they believe created their backwards ass religion.

When I go for walks I have to deal with crazy bums, plenty of homeless people looking for money and today a weird little old man who was wearing nothing except for some booty shorts.

Tuesday I'm preforming my first ever stand up show in LA and in the end of the month I'll be working the LA Exxotica. So we'll see how I'm feeling in September.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Wit and Wisdom of Jeff Shropshire Episode 2: White Rice

My best friend Jeff Shropshire texted me today shortly after reading my entry about Horror Movies that Ruin Everyday Activities which said "I just read your newest blog entry. The only thing a movie fucked up for me was white rice. Thanks a bunch Lost Boys"

Hello There Ladies and Gentleman!

Greetings people who found me from slashfilm and/or imdb and reddit

Thank you for swinging by my blog in the last 48 hours. I figured i'd take a chance filling you in on some shit about me.

I'm born and raised from a suburb in Philadelphia. Last month I moved to Los Angeles. I write for a living. In the past I've written lists for I Currently write a series of columns for specifically That One Guy where I defend movies and albums that most people never gave a fair chance to as well as DVDs you don't know are coming (a collection of b-movies and old tv-shows coming to DVD)

I also run a podcast called The Saint Mort Show where I've interviewed Mink Stole (Pink Flamingos), George Hardy (Troll 2), The Lord of the Rhymes (Hobbit Hip-Hop Group) and Michael Swaim ( among others.

You can follow me on twitter or friend me on facebook.

I'm always looking for ideas for That One Guy or Blog entry themes so please if you have any ideas for me comment them on here and I will do my best to make them a reality.

Thanks guys!
Matt "Saint Mort" Kelly
Pure Mattitude

Monday, August 1, 2011

Why My Childhood was less than normal

This afternoon I hopped onto my blog only to discover that slashfilm posted my last blog entry about "fucked up movies to show at a party" on their site. Thanks so much guys!

Now I feel pressured to do a follow-up. What to write about? Originally I was thinking about covering Horror Movie sequels that are better than the original. I knew if nothing it had to be something related to horror. I'm a long time fan of the genre and thus can talk at length about most of the films.

It was while searching for an idea, I watched Jaws 3D for my weekly column That One Guy on Geekscape. Presenting...


10. Sleepaway Camp
I'm bringing out the big guns early on this one. It's hard to explain this one without spoiling the ending. For that reason, you're going to have to watch the movie for this to make sense to you. ... Okay you watched it now? WHAT AN ENDING RIGHT!? Sadly that ending made it IMPOSSIBLE for me to trust the opposite sex. Since the moment I've seen that movie I have trust issues. The worst thing is that Angela is basically the type of girl I'd want to get with... she's quiet, she's shy, she's 13... it's the perfect combination. But just when you get close to her, she chops your head off with an axe. What the fuck! Oh and she's also really a dude. I warned you to watch the movie if you didn't want spoilers

9. Funny Games
Whether you watch the original or the American remake it doesn't really matter. Funny Games is an innovative horror film that will make you never want to go on vacation again. When a family goes to their vacation home the last thing they expect is for two pop culture experts to come and torture them with a series of games. The winner gets to see daylight. Funny Games is bleak and dark. It will never make you want to stay home alone... or even with family again. Or at the very least... make you think twice about letting someone borrow some sugar or eggs.

8. Poultrygeist: The Night of the Chicken Dead
Troma's not known for making sincere horror movies. Much like other indie horror directors Lloyd just wants to make you vomit. Sometimes he succeeds, sometimes he'd fail. Polutrygeist however succeeds in it's goal... making you think twice about eating fast food. While the concept of eating fast food until you turn into a zombie chicken isn't remotely frightening, the scene in which Troma superstar Joe Fleishaker begins spraying shit all over a bathroom after eating a rotten chicken egg will make even the strongest of stomaches to flips. This scene did more for me not eating at McDonald's than any Morgan Spurlock documentary ever could.

7. Neighbor
While Sleepaway Camp ruined 'the opposite sex', the film Neighbor simply ruined sex. This is the newest film on the list and since I'm friends with the director I'll not ruin the highlight of this gore-tastic film. What I will say is that you'll never look at swizzle sticks the same way. Watching this scene with a group of friends was the first time I saw one of my friends get physically ill from a movie sequence (and we've watched Pink Flamingos together). The scene is so vile that even the movie's editor vomited while cutting the scene together. After watching it I was unable to have an erection for a week. Hear more about it on Episode 3 of my podcast.

6. Poltergeist
While Poultrygeist ruined fast food for me, Poltergeist ruined meat products for me for months. If you grew up watching this movie, you know what I'm talking about. It starts with someone digging through the fridge innocently enough. Shortly afterwards the steak begins to crawl across the table before exploding open with maggots crawling everywhere. Suddenly there are maggots everywhere. The scene continues until a face is pulled apart and I turn into a vegan for a week.

5. Alligator
When I was a little kid I loved the Alligator. It was gory, funny and oh yeah... it fucked me up for life. It was all because of this scene, which I can't describe in words so I just have to show it to you.

Yeah. Holy shit! When I was a kid, shortly after seeing that scene my cousin would push me off his diving board while another cousin would pull me underwater. What made it worse was that my cousin’s pool looked EXACTLY like the one in the movie. I couldn’t swim in pools for years after that.

Years later it dawned on me that none of this scene made sense. Based on where the Alligator’s head is located where the fuck is the rest of its body? Stuck inside the concrete?

4. Magic
Magic isn’t so much a Horror movie as a psychological thriller. I tend to hate when people make this argument like they’re two extremely different things. Specifically when talking about a movie like Silence of the Lambs… it’s about a guy who kills fat girls to wear their skin and another guy who eats people. Fuck psychological anything… that’s a horror movie. Magic is all about character and a man’s descent into insanity. Is he the puppet master or the puppet in his comedy show?

I won’t spoil anything here but if you weren’t already terrified by ventriloquist dummies from reading Goosebumps as a kid, this movie will put the nail in the coffin of puppet based terror.

3. Stephen King’s It!
This is a classic source of childhood phobia’s. What’s weird is when I was a kid I watched Killer Klowns From Outer Space without any issue. Those clowns were super murderous and terrifying but Pennywise the Clown from the mini-series It! is easily the number one reason kids my age are terrified of clowns.

What’s ironic is that it didn’t make me even remotely terrified of giant spiders created by fear. Go figure.

2. Frozen
Adam Greene is the best hope horror movies have. For the last decade or so horror movies have been in a quality decline. While they were never ‘great’ they had a sense of fun. While Halloween is a classic ‘masterpiece’, there’s just as many bad horror movies like Happy Birthday to Me that have a carefree feeling of fun throughout.

Adam Greene makes both types of movies. The Hatchet movies are hilarious and gory. Meanwhile Spiral was well crafted. Each film he makes tackles a new style of horror. Frozen goes for route of clastrophobic horror. I didn’t like skiing in the first place, but I fucking hate it after watching this nightmare scenario. Imagine (if you will) being trapped on a ski-lift for 3 days in the dead of winter with wolves crawling beneath you. Skin starts to freeze, blister and peel. Leg’s break. Wolves feed. And Skiing is no longer something you want to do this winter.

1. Jaws
If you were paying attention to the beginning of this blog you’d have guessed that this would be the movie I named number 1. I hate swimming. I hate pools because of Alligator, but Jaws is what started my fear of the water.

When I was a kid my parents rented me Jaws The Revenge, it’s definitely the worst of the series, but since I hadn’t seen any of the other films yet I had nothing to compare them too. At that point I was still able to deal with the Ocean… it was when my dad sat me down to watch Jaws that truly fucked me up.

To pick one scene is difficult, but if you put a gun to my head I’d say it was the scene where you first see the shark as it eats a random nameless townsman. Immediately after we see the shark chomping on him. We see his leg slowly fall to the ocean floor. I remember being eight watching that scene and screaming. I shut off the TV and ran upstairs to my parents. While I still can’t swim… Jaws is one of my all time favorite movies.