Teen flicks are a guilty pleasure of mine. They're rarely well written, even less likely that they're realistic and the characters are typically one-dimensional stereotypes (this is not without exceptions like The Breakfast club and Can't Hardly wait) but what can I say, I can't get enough of them. In watching enough teen flicks I've learned something about all men in the world. We can fall into one of three categories.
The first Category is that we move on right away after a break-up. This is normally the "villain" role. We only see women as objects and to us it doesn't matter who we're dating as long as we're with someone, however it helps if these girls will further propel our school stardom as far as locker room bragging and the ever cherished "prom king" title go.
The second category is much like the first one except when we finally meet the "one" we will do whatever it takes to get them back. We can go from the bad egg that no one wants to talk to, into the king of the social chain. Inevitably we're the underdog who wins the prom king title instead of the category one man.
The final category is "the best friend" or as I like to to refer them as "The Duckie". For those of you who don't know, Duckie was Jon Cryer's character in the 1986 John Hughes Production (he wrote it but didn't direct it) Pretty in Pink. Duckie was a simple character; he was in love with his best friend and would do anything for her only to be alone by the time the closing credits begin to roll. What annoys me more than anything is that through this movie (and many other films with "duckie" characters), the Duckie is nothing short of a PERFECT boyfriend. They come through where guys in the first two categories fail to (like showing up to prom when your date stands you up), they dance around your place of business singing along to Otis Redding just to perk your spirits, they go to your awkward social events like poetry readings and all lesbian punk concerts. But most importantly, they'd never begin a relationship with you on the grounds of a bet.
What really annoys me is that the original ending for Pretty in Pink was supposed to be Duckie ending up with Andie and the test audiences HATED IT! Which means that not just John Hughes is against me, but so is everyone else. I wonder how the King of Duckies feels about this, Michael Anthony Hall. He lost out on Molly Ringwald twice, hell he couldn't even seal the deal with a robot. He always ends up single (and a virgin) at the end of these teen flicks. Okay, granted at the end of Sixteen candles they hint that him and the Jock's drunken girlfriend are going to hook up, but I can't help but be a little pessimistic here. I really doubt "Most likely to be Prom Queen" would end up with "Most likely to die at Edward Scissorhands' hands".
Needless to say, the duckies typically end up single and lonely (there are a few case where they sort-of win, 10 things I hate about you for example). No perhaps I take this to heart because for all intensive purposes... I, myself, am typically the "duckie" within any female relationship. Maybe I'm taking this even harder based on the fact that I was recently dumped in a relationship where I was both a boyfriend... and a duckie. Needless to say, women... you need to stop doing this to the duckie's of the world. We are good guys with good hearts and you are taking advantage of us.
I'm not saying that by being friends with us you have to go out with us. But if you're not going to go out with us, you should at least find us a suitable replacement. I mean granted she was a little older but Molly Ringwald could have totally set Jon Cryer up with her co-worker the Ghostbusters' Secretary. But she didn't, because Molly Ringwald is a selfish bitch (not just in Pretty in Pink, she's quite full of herself in Sixteen Candles and Breakfast Club as well). This stretches beyond the John Hughes Universe, heck even in Goonies everyone ended up with a significant other except Mickey and Data (granted in this scenario Chunk's significant other is Sloth, but beggars can't be choosers).
I'm going to leave you on this; I've had three girlfriends ever. I've never watched a single teen flick or romantic comedy with any of those girls. Who did I watch teen flicks with? The Amanda Beckets, the Stratford sisters, the Samantha Bakers, Claire Standish's, Laney Boggs' and Lisa the Robot's of my life. I spend my life pining for my Andie Walsh.