Thursday, February 26, 2009

Just a Simple Rant to Push you away

            Do you ever notice that the more you think you understand something, the more wrong you actually are? It feels like I’ve spent the last few days not truly understanding my feelings and in the end it just keeps leaving me hurt. Ever since my girlfriend broke up with me in October I’ve gone through the strangest groupings of emotions. It’s good to know that I’m healing, at least in some ways… example, when she dumped me I couldn’t get an erection for months. Now however I’ve been spraying potent ional children onto my bedroom carpet two or three times a night.

            I suppose this blog has been a no holds barred collection of thoughts and opinions so far as well as an all access pass until my life. Originally this was just supposed to be for me to collect my ramblings but it’s quite more therapeutic then I expected. Since my break up there’s been a few potent ional relationships. If you’re a frequent reader than you’re more than familiar with “Jessica Rabbit” and “The Mom”. There has been at least 3 or 4 other girls that have danced into my life since October some only for a quick crush and others far longer lasting.

            I wouldn’t consider this so much a blog entry as a long rambling with a little bit of humor mixed in.

1)    Jessica Rabbit – What ever happened with Jessica Rabbit I’m sure you’re asking, well, we hang out sparingly and it looks like all things considered she’s going to get back together with her ex, who was a douche-bag. I’m not the type of guy who will fight against a girl’s decision even if I think it’s a terrible idea.

2)    The Mom – Here and I have hung out but there’s no chemistry there. The most we could ever have is a fuck buddy relationship, which is not the relationship I specifically want right now.

3)    Flirty McCocktease – I know Flirty because she works at the venue that I book at. She’s spent a few nights over the apartment playing video games but at the end of the day, I’m nothing to her, just a Cuddlebitch. For those of you who don’t know what a Cuddlebitch is, it’s when you’re with a girl who finds you so unappealing sexually that the only thing you’ll ever do is get to cuddle

4)    OkCupid Girl – I met OkCupid girl, surprisingly enough, on OkCupid. It seemed perfect, everything I wanted. But as always, things aren’t ever as good as they seem. It just fell apart because I have no women skills.

I don’t really like this entry very much so I’m keeping it short and leaving it as a simple rant.

Friday, February 20, 2009

You're the Best Around

            Last time you heard from me dedicated listener’s I roughly touched on a party I was at. If you recall it was the party in which my ex sent me a picture text the day before Valentine’s Day and almost ruined my holiday. Thankfully she didn’t, but this isn’t about her. I’ve decided love and sex enough; it’s time for me to move back to what I love talking about. Pop Culture.


            While at this party in which the text was received I was sitting on the couch with various individuals. Being that I was the only sober person at this entire party it’s quite possible that I’m the only person to recall this conversation but that’s not an important detail. The discussion we had was about “great’ vs. “best”.


            Is there really a difference? I strongly believe that there in fact is a distinct different between the two. This conversation was triggered by me stating that ALL was a better band than the Descendents. Everyone seemed to think I was talking crazy talk when I stated this but people are clearly getting a band’s “greatness” confused for musical quality. While Descendents are extremely influential to the punk music scene, musically they don’t hold a candle to ALL. For those of you who aren’t familiar with these bands, The Descendents is a punk/hardcore band from the late 80’s (however they’re still around today); ALL was a side project of all the members except the lead singer. ALL was a much catchier and a far more marketable punk band that also managed to do something that few bands can do which was hold on tightly to their punk ethics. As much as I love Green Day and Blink 182 they weren’t able to do this… Rancid was.


            This theory doesn’t end in the realm of punk music. To make a drastic example… The Beatles are not a better band than Queen. While a lot of people will scream Blasphemy at me, there’s probably an equal amount of people who will agree with me. You see, without fail the Beatles are the most important band in music history. Their music is classic and their influence is forever stretching. In fact I would say that you can pick out any hit single by the Beatles and that song alone will be better than any song your favorite band has ever written. The Beatles are the Neil Armstrong of rock Music. That being said, anyone who picks up a guitar can play the entire Beatles Catalogue in less than a month. Their music is simplistic and in many cases, dare I say it, boring. Queen however wasn’t a revolutionary band, they just took something that was already there and built a whole new foundation off of it.


            Anyone can sing a song and sound like Paul or John or George or Ringo (but who would want to?) but nobody can sing like Freddy Mercury. Anyone can play the guitar lead on In My Life, not everyone can play the lead in Killer Queen. I’m not saying that Queen is a collection of the greatest musicians ever (that would be Primus or Anathallo) but their individual pieces made catchy, marketable pop songs that are timeless.


            Even the greatest band to come out of the 90’s grunge sound Weezer creates this paradox. Everyone is so quick to say that Pinkerton is their greatest album, and they’d be correct. Pinkerton is the greatest album Weezer has ever recorded, but it’s not their best. Their best album is their self-titled album from 1994 (now just known as the Blue Album). The reason once again, it’s fun and catchy. Pinkerton does some amazing things, but the first half of that album doesn’t have great re-listen ability, not like the Blue Album which is so timeless that 15 years after its’ release, I can still listen to it from start to finish and sing along with every song. This argument led to one of the people at the party stating that I was completely wrong because “the green album was both their greatest and best album ever.” I suppose it’s okay for me to say that this particular person was baked out of his mind thus making his opinion completely moot.


            Perhaps I’m the anti-hipster because to me there is nothing wrong with having a good catchy pop song, NOTHING. I am the proud owner of *Nsync, Hanson and Lou Bega CDs and not in that ironic “it’s so bad that it’s good way.” The fact is that those musicians all made money making songs far catchier than what I can ever write. They knew what they were doing; they did a great job at doing what they set out to do and made great music as a result. I find nothing wrong with that. I find bands like Nickelback making crap and pretending that it’s not crap far more offensive.


I have nothing wrong with bands like Radiohead being able to make money making the most unmarketable stuff ever but their few and far between, if you go out of your way to make your music un-marketable your simply signing yourself off to be just a foot-note in music history. This is why out of hundred’s of 80’s hardcore bands the general public only knows (if you’re lucky) Minor Threat, Bad Brains and Black Flag. But I suppose that’s PUNK RAWK!


I hate punk rawk. I love punk, but I hate punk rawk. And not because the purposeful misspelling (although it doesn’t help), but I hate this idea that if you’re a marketable punk band then you’ve lost your punk ethics. Meanwhile the godfathers of punk (the Ramones) never wanted anything more to be back on the radio. There’s no bigger headache than the “what started punk rock” question.


People say Sex Pistols, but that band got formed because they were fans of The Ramones, but if you look at the Ramones they weren’t doing anything more than going back to the 1950’s style rock and roll. So based on that was Chuck Berry, Jerry Lee Lewis, Little Richard and Bill Haley Punk Rawk? I’d like to think so to be honest. At the same time, if you want to discuss punk being a “movement” of Anarchy inside the system (Anarchy in the UK) then I want to be the first to claim that the Marx Brothers were the first group of “punk rawkers” (seriously, rent Duck Soup, it’s Anarchy on Film).


But let’s say that Punk Rawk IS an unmarketable sound, then perhaps it was Thelonious Monk and all other free jazz musicians who started this musical movement years before Johnny Rotten or Joey Ramone were even born. Now this raises an even more interesting question because if we go back to the Chuck Berry is the granddaddy of punk theory then we have something going here. 50’s rock is an extension of country mixed with Rhythm and Blues, which itself is an extension of Jazz. Without Jazz, we couldn’t have rock, which means we couldn’t have punk, which gave us grunge, which gave us Weezer. We wouldn’t have had Jazz if it weren’t for slavery (so I suppose one good thing came from that) so Jazz came out of Africa, which makes me even more curious why there are, so few Black Punk Groups.


Perhaps that’s why Bad Brains is the greatest punk group of all time, but The Ramones will forever be the best

Saturday, February 14, 2009

The Enjoyment Of Unemployment

            Now you might not be aware of this since the newspapers haven’t really been covering it but the economy is in shambles. Even me, fresh out of college with a relatively useless degree is having trouble finding a job in this society. I’ve been paying rent and affording food through my graduation money and series of random odd jobs. But alas I spend most of my free time sitting on the couch in my apartment watching That 70’s Show reruns on FX. Basically what I’m trying to say is that Unemployment is fucking AWESOME!

            Honestly, if I could find a way to get paid a full time salary to simply BE unemployed I’d take that job in a second. And honestly, I never realized it before but That 70’s Show is an absolutely brilliant TV sitcom. It’s brilliant in the all-round generic ness of it all.  Every character is just like any other character you’ve seen on television. But who can’t relate to the life of Eric Forman? While watching reruns (all from season 7) I couldn’t help but feel like I was looking at a mirror when Eric Forman discusses the advantages of not working for a year because he has the time to slip and slide all day long and catch butterflies. Granted, I’m not really leaving my house (or even getting showered and changed) but there is some bizarro-world lines being drawn between me in my unemployment watching Eric in his unemployment.

            The biggest problem with That 70’s Show (besides the failed sitcom spin off That 80’s Show) is the laugh track. But I’ve learned to deal with it. It makes sense in the way the show is shoot and such, what doesn’t make sense to me is the laugh track on one of my new favorite shows How I met Your Mother. The show has a very non-linear story-telling aspect and it has legitimately funny jokes and storylines. I don’t understand why a laugh track is necessary. Neil Patrick Harris’ performance of Barney might be tied with Charlie in Always Sunny in Philadelphia for the best sitcom character in this post-Seinfeld world. But what really drew me into How I Met Your Mother is the always beautiful, can-take-home-to-mom Alyson Hannigan.

            Alyson Hannigan made me really start to think about the fact that there is a difference between “celebrities I want to fuck” and “celebrities I want take home to momma.” I think it’s extremely healthy for any couple to sit down make a list of celebrities that ‘if given the chance to have a one night stand, they could and it wouldn’t be considered cheating’. Legally this list can’t have more than like… five names. There’s only one celebrity that is on both my lists… Christina Ricci. I’ve had a crush on her ever since I first saw Casper (is it creepy that I only saw it last year?).

            I suppose it’s important that I clarify something. I use the word celebrity very roughly. Christina Ricci is the only celebrity that I want to “bring home to momma” as my roommate Jeff pointed out, all other celebrities that you’d want to marry… you’re simply in love with a character that they play but you want to fuck the actress that plays them. I’ve literally loved every character I’ve seen Christina Ricci play (I even love her in Anything else which is one of woody Allen’s worst movies and her character is a total bitch the whole movie) except Black Snake Moan where she’s a little too skanky for my taste.

            I’m going to post both lists but you’ll notice a lacking of Christina Ricci, just assume she’s number one on both lists and that my number 5 is simply an honorable mention (celebrity I want to jerk it to & celebrity I want to jerk it to in front of momma).


1. Emmanuelle Chriqui

2. Elisha Cuthbert

3. Eliza Dushku

4. Mandy Moore

5. Julia Stiles



1. Alyson Hannigan – Lily Aldrin on How I Met Your Mother

2. Larisa Oleynik – Wendy in 100 Girls (Granted, she’s gay in this)

3. Natalie Portman – Sam in Garden State

4. Drew Barrymore – Julia in Wedding Singer

5. Mena Suvari – Dora Diamond in Loser

  I’d also like to point out that my #5 on the Celebrities I want to take home to momma was a tough call between Mena Suvari and Amanda Detmer as Sandy in Saving Silverman but I might just want to fuck a nun.

            Perhaps it’s lists like this that maybe the reason that my roommate and I are spending our valentine’s day watching Family Feud Reruns on Game show network all day.  In all actuality this might be the worst Valentine’s Day in my recorded history.

Last night while I was attending a party that was literally like every party you’ve ever seen in any movie I received a text from my ex-girlfriend. She hasn’t felt a need to text me since Christmas but alas she wanted to send me a picture of Harold and Maude (which despite being about an 80 year old women fucking a 20 year old kid, I still consider it my favorite romantic comedy) with the message “this made me think of you.” That certainly depressed me a little bit but at least I’m smart enough to not text her back.

I found these two identical twins from Texas on facebook this morning. I’d had a crush on these twins for a long time. Ever since I met them in high school, infact I called them the Texas twins.  Turns out they’re both engaged, also three more of my friends got engaged in the last 24 hours, so that was just some more reminders that I’m single and alone but the true cherry on the crap-cake was when I walked to the bathroom and heard my roommate getting his valentine’s day gift from his girlfriend.

At least, I hope that’s what they were doing. All I heard was “Pull my hair, oh yeah” and then I tried to block it out while a urinated. I couldn’t help but think, if I can hear them while I’m peeing… then can they hear me?

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that someone should buy me That 70’s Show seasons 3-8 on DVD for Valentine’s Day.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Blink 18Who?

So perhaps I’m simply turning into a 13-year-old girl but it’s looking like 2009 is going to be a whole lot like building a musical time machine that’s taking us back to 1998-1999.

It was already announced the No Doubt was having a reunion show (which as long as Gwen doesn’t Diva out and they don’t play anything post-Return to Saturn). In other news Get Up Kids are planning a summer tour for the 10-year anniversary release of Something to write Home About

Oh, and apparently some band called Blink 182 is recording a new album.

For those of you who don’t understand why this is big news let me explain something. Perhaps this is my shortcoming but I really don’t care about the No Doubt reunion, and even Get Up Kids I can take it or leave it. Granted I think Something to write home about is the greatest pop punk album of all time, everything else by Get Up Kids seems just… meh.

Blink however, is the band of MY childhood as well as thousands of other kids. I don’t think there is a punk/pop punk/powerpop/emo band out there working today that hasn’t been influenced by the songs that appeared on 
Dude Ranch, Enema of the State, and Take your Pants off and Jacket.

A lot of people feel like Blink ended on a sour note musically. Granted while their self-titled album is no-ones favorite Blink CD, it’s still better than anything that 75% of the punk bands of today have been spewing out.

A blink 182 reunion gives me some bizarre form of hope. Granted, I think a lot of people are doubting that Tom can keep his ego in check long enough to not become super controlling. Either way, between this and the new Green Day album in May, I feel like I’m high school all over again. Except you know this time I won’t spend my time getting my ass kicked (well as much).

Perhaps this is a little insensitive but I’m almost glad that Travis Barker almost died now. (and I just signed my ticket to hell)

Sunday, February 8, 2009

I had to say I love you in my blog

The internet is a really funny place. I’m not sure how it’s possible that there is something so big and yet so illogical. Granted every person with a blog is hoping to speak to the masses, we all want to be like Christian Slater in Pump Up The Volume. But sadly most of us (myself included) will never reach an audience larger than 8 people and maybe a few of our myspace friends. I wish that I could say that the main reason most of these people won’t be heard of by anyone outside their top eight is because they are the only people who think that they’re a good writer (i.e. me) but actually there’s plenty of people out there who are talented writers whose voice will always be over shadowed by a kid wearing eyeliner, hiding under a blanket begging us to leave Britney alone.

The last three months of the year 2008 were epic at best. In the beginning of October I moved out of my parent’s house and moved into my friend’s apartment. The following week I turned 23. Four days later I got dumped by the first girlfriend that I could truly consider a “serious relationship”. The following day she had a new boyfriend. The next week I met the girl of my dreams at a Halloween party (I was a ‘work in progress’ and she was ‘Jessica Rabbit’). A few weeks later I was in a car accident that killed my Buick LaSabre the faithful car of mine since 2003. I got a new car and in the last week I’ve managed to (a)meet a mom that I am sort of/kind of dating, (b)send a really pathetic email to “the ex”, (c)graduate college and (d)find out that come January 1st I will be unemployed.

Perhaps it’s all these things that lead to the fact that it’s 2:40am on December 25, 2008 and I’m laying on an inflatable bed in my family’s basement (which is also my brothers bedroom, which became his bedroom when I moved out which means that chances are this is the exact same place I was this time last year). I remember being a kid and not being about to sleep a wink on Christmas Eve. Eventually I would fall asleep only to wake up early. I recall that every year I’d wake up around 3 in the morning and I’d walk downstairs and look at the gifts under the tree and size up my gifts vs the rest of my siblings. I’d turn on the TV and watch some Christmas special and try to guess what the different CDs and DVDs would be and then go back to bed and try to do anything to make the time fly by (normally I’d end up reading a Garfield comic). Around 5am I’d wake up my siblings and convince them (literally we’d be in my bedroom discussing plans of attack) that we need to wake up mom and dad and open our presents ASAP.

Last year however, I feel asleep almost immediately and had to be forcibly woken up by my entire family in the morning. I always assumed that meant that the Christmas spirit had finally, after 22 years, been lost on me. But alas here I am, now 2:45 am, sitting on my laptop listening to my brother snore. The Nick at Nite Family Matters/Home Improvement reruns didn’t make more sleepy, nor did reading Chuck Klosterman’s Killing Yourself to Live. But the weird thing is that, I’m not “awake” out of excitement of opening gifts. I’m awake because I’m terrified of 2009.

I’ve always been one to scare easily. Infact I spent most of late-November and early-December convinced that I was going to fail chemistry and not graduate despite telling my whole family tree that I was going to be “the first person in my family tree to get a college degree” on December 19th. But right now I’m thinking about things like, when I get laid off will I find a job soon? Will I be able to afford rent AND continue to get my Netflix? (man, I really need to get my priorities in check) Will  the Ex reply to my stupid email? Will she be angry at the email and just make me more depressed? Why does Jessica Rabbit seem to be more interested this Jerk she brought to the 80’s party instead of me? (That’s a story for a different day) Should I date this mom? (for the record she’s 26, it’s not like I’m dating someone who could have been my mom).

The most aggravating thing though is that all these things are distracting me from the things that SHOULD be keeping me awake. Things like… Did my mom buy me Wall*E on DVD? Will Grandma like the Candle I got her? Did I just hear a “clatter” on the roof? What exactly is a clatter anyway?

I’ve never been a person who understood relationships, or dating, or women, or sex or how any of those things work when connected together. The girlfriend who recently dumped had dated me for roughly a year (there was some on and off periods here and there) which means my relationship with her is almost as long as all my other relationships combined. What’s so confusing about the ending of this relationship was how out of the blue it was while at the exact same time was completely foreseeable. I won’t lie and say that everything between this person and I was perfect. But I wouldn’t have ever called it unhappy. Even then, the break-up wasn’t after a fight, or even a bad/awkward weekend. All things considered my birthday weekend was the best birthday weekend I’ve had to date. Too bad it’s now tainted with a underlying feeling of failure.

What is it about me that makes me automatically assume the position of “blame”? I didn’t do the dumping. In fact while being dumped it was made abondently clear throughout the whole “break up speech” that I was a good boyfriend and didn’t do anything wrong. I just wasn’t ‘the guy for her’. Which now I know means that she had already met the right ‘guy for her’ so she felt safe letting me go.

Everyone handles a break up differently I think. Some people can go right on with their life with no feelings of remorse (they’re normally the dumpers) meanwhile others (aka the dumpees) can spend months to years trying to figure out what they did wrong and eventually they just decide that it’s easier to blame the other person and move on. I don’t know where I and my ex fit in. But I do know the following things.

1.     My ex desperately wanted us to stay friends

2.     As far as I can tell, my ex still doesn’t think she did anything wrong

3.     It’s very well possible that she didn’t do anything wrong

4.     I hope she’s happy (and not in a sarcastic way at all)

It’s Part 4 that really gets me the most. Why is it that I say this after someone has torn out my heart and I don’t mean it in any “ironic” way? I refuse to believe that I’m the only person who feels like this? There isn’t a question in my mind that I loved this ex-girlfriend. I won’t say that she’s the only person I’ll ever love because that’s almost certainly not true at all. I can say that I was happy, even when I was un-happy, I was still happy. This ex girlfriend was a lot younger than I was and I was dealt a fair share of mockery and ridicule for it. But I loved her so much that it didn’t bother me. I suppose she felt differently.

The funny thing is that, when a relationship ends in the awkward way that mine did. It’s hard to really put together thoughts about how you feel. Instead it all just comes together in a series of memories. I’ve started to realize that relationships can destroy everything you hold dear.

After the break up, there were a handful of movies and TV shows (Rocky Horror Picture show, Scrubs) that held some form of significance between this person and I that has still to this day made it very difficult for me to watch and not think of her. Even more aggravating is the hundreds of songs that have been destroyed by her.

I’m a big mixtape guy. I love making mix-tapes. I think it’s safe to say that I’ve at one time or another made a mix tape (well… CD) for anyone who I met and liked enough to hang out with a second time. If you’re a girl and I like you, you can expect Mix tapes on a monthly basis, almost like if you signed up for one of those Columbia record things (12 CDs for a penny). I can catergorically say that my ex has received more mixes from me than any other girl.

This raises an interesting question. As stated earlier I’m sort of dating a mom, but I’m also just short of being completely in love with “Jessica Rabbit” who seems to enjoy dating anyone who’s NOT me. Now my fate (if there is one) with either one of these girls is still undertermed, is it possible to ever use any of the songs from the Ex on mixes for these girls? That almost feels like cheating. I makes me feel like I’m Elijah Wood in Eternal Sunshine desperately copying Jim Carrey to hopefully see if whatever worked once will work again.

At the same time, if one of these girls in my not to distant future makes me “pretend that I’m kissing the lips that I’m missing” why shouldn’t I put All my lovin’ on a mix? If that make me feel swear that “Today was the first day of my life” then why can’t Bright Eyes explain that to them? Why can’t Jason Mraz tell another girl that I’m theirs?

At the same time what exactly do I know about relationships? I mean, I still find the first three American Pie Movies to be the most romantic teen flicks ever penned. For those of you who have forgotten these are the movies that involve fucking a pie, eating dog shit and among other things gluing your hand to your dick.

Is there a point to this? I suppose if this were to be a book this could be the first chapter. In my mind though it works better as a prolouge. It kind of sets the mood for the randomness that is my life. The things that lack importance that I still decide are significant to focus on. If this were a book though, it’d be one boring collection of stories that no one really cares about in the first place. I guess this all steams from the fact that I once said that the only reason I want one of my scripts to be made into a movie is to get a commentary track. Somehow I’ve been put under the impression that people care about what I think and want to listen to my nonsensical ramblings, stories and opinions. In the end I guess this is all just one giant random experiment.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

The End is Here

PROLOGUE: So here we are. The end of the Semester and as long as I pass my chemistry class my last semester of college. It seems like the end of an era, after a long five years of college, I'm finally going to be forced to grow up. Sadly, at this time when I should be worrying about getting a real job, taking finals and doing term papers, I'm more worried about writing the perfect dorktower to round up the semester. At first I was going to write about my college experience and list some non-traditional Graduations songs. Then I was thinking about writing about how hard it is to be a white kid in the suburbs. I even consider writing about how no matter how depressed I get in my life, for some reason, the Muppets can always cheer me up. I still haven't really decided how to finish this column, I decided to end with some thoughts. I hope these words find you well.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN A GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY:  For as long as I can remember I've always loved to write. A lot of people don't believe me when I say this but I've been wanting to be a screenplay writer ever since I was five years old. It was when I came to college that I first started working my craft and signed up for my newspaper. My freshmen year I really wanted to be an editorial columnist... but not about political issues or even anything serious, I wanted to lighten up the mood. Sadly it took until this year to finally see this goal begin with dorktower. And now, it might be over. Hopefully I will be able to find time to continue writing these post-graduation but if I don't please know that it's been fun and I appreciate every reader I have.

MAKE 'EM LAUGH: As a child I never had very many friends. My best friend was my grandfather. When he was taken away from me after a long battle with cancer I was absolutely devastated and spent months crying myself to sleep. It was in retrospective that i started to think about all the messages that he had given me. The most important message being that no matter what is going on in the world, no matter how depressing or stressed out you might be we (as in the collective we) need to be able to laugh. If I could leave this campus and give anyone a message, it's this. During finals week, or projects and term papers... don't forget to give yourself some time to laugh. In these days of Old School, Zack and Miri make a Porno and American Pie it's easy to forget how perfectly touching the classics are. Rent some old films like Duck Soup, It Happened One Night and Some Like it Hot.

SOME DAY WE'LL FIND IT THE RAINBOW CONNECTION:  One of the best examples of a classic comedy that can always cheer me up is watching reruns of the Muppet Show. Perhaps it's because when I was growing up my grandfather would sing me Rainbow Connection by Kermit the Frog but I've always and will continue to have a soft spot in my heart for the Muppets and everything Jim Henson. Another thing I've picked up from my grandfather is my taste in music, while I love to listen to lots of new music (I just picked up The Streets album as well as the new Punchline album both which I highly recommend) I always tried to take time to listen to some Louie Armstrong and Johnny Cash.

A DREAM IS A WISH YOUR HEART MAKES:  A question I've gotten very often from fellow students, friends, family members and random strangers is "what do you plan to do after college?" Before I used to jokingly answer "well I'm liberal arts so I guess work at Burger King", or be slightly honest and say "I have no clue but I want to make movies." Over the last few months I've really started to simply say, "I want to follow my dream." I think it's important for every person who reads this to understand something. No matter what happens in your life, never let go of your dream, follow it with all your heart. Even if you want to be a rock star and instead spend your life working a nine to five, don't ever forget what you desperately dreamed of growing up to be. Nothing is more attractive than someone who doesn't let go of their childhood dreams and goals. I still watch old cartoons and home movies dating back to 1990 because i don't ever want to forget those fantastic memories.

REMEMBER GEORGE NO MAN IS A FAILURE WHO HAS FRIENDS: Recently my girlfriend broke up with me. Just one day after our break up, she had a new boyfriend. I learned a giant lesson from that which is this. Relationships come and go... but your friends will be there forever. Don't ever forget that friends are more important than anything else (I even include family, work and money in this). Never allow work to take away your time from your friends and furthermore never let drama destroy a friendship but also be careful to not allow people who claim to be your friends take advantage of you.

EPILOGUE: So this might be parting words or maybe I'll be writing this column next semester (hopefully as an alumni and not a chemistry failure). I want to leave you with this final quote from the Jimmy Stewart film Harvey (released in 1950): "Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, 'In this world, Elwood, you must be' - she always called me Elwood - 'in this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.' Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me."

It's Sucky Being Duckie

(Editor's Prologue: This is still my favorite thing I've ever written, please be nice)

Teen flicks are a guilty pleasure of mine. They're rarely well written, even less likely that they're realistic and the characters are typically one-dimensional stereotypes (this is not without exceptions like The Breakfast club and Can't Hardly wait) but what can I say, I can't get enough of them. In watching enough teen flicks I've learned something about all men in the world. We can fall into one of three categories.

The first Category is that we move on right away after a break-up. This is normally the "villain" role. We only see women as objects and to us it doesn't matter who we're dating as long as we're with someone, however it helps if these girls will further propel our school stardom as far as locker room bragging and the ever cherished "prom king" title go.

The second category is much like the first one except when we finally meet the "one" we will do whatever it takes to get them back. We can go from the bad egg that no one wants to talk to, into the king of the social chain. Inevitably we're the underdog who wins the prom king title instead of the category one man.

The final category is "the best friend" or as I like to to refer them as "The Duckie". For those of you who don't know, Duckie was Jon Cryer's character in the 1986 John Hughes Production (he wrote it but didn't direct it) Pretty in Pink. Duckie was a simple character; he was in love with his best friend and would do anything for her only to be alone by the time the closing credits begin to roll. What annoys me more than anything is that through this movie (and many other films with "duckie" characters), the Duckie is nothing short of a PERFECT boyfriend. They come through where guys in the first two categories fail to (like showing up to prom when your date stands you up), they dance around your place of business singing along to Otis Redding just to perk your spirits, they go to your awkward social events like poetry readings and all lesbian punk concerts. But most importantly, they'd never begin a relationship with you on the grounds of a bet.

What really annoys me is that the original ending for Pretty in Pink was supposed to be Duckie ending up with Andie and the test audiences HATED IT! Which means that not just John Hughes is against me, but so is everyone else. I wonder how the King of Duckies feels about this, Michael Anthony Hall. He lost out on Molly Ringwald twice, hell he couldn't even seal the deal with a robot. He always ends up single (and a virgin) at the end of these teen flicks. Okay, granted at the end of Sixteen candles they hint that him and the Jock's drunken girlfriend are going to hook up, but I can't help but be a little pessimistic here. I really doubt "Most likely to be Prom Queen" would end up with "Most likely to die at Edward Scissorhands' hands".

Needless to say, the duckies typically end up single and lonely (there are a few case where they sort-of win, 10 things I hate about you for example). No perhaps I take this to heart because for all intensive purposes... I, myself, am typically the "duckie" within any female relationship. Maybe I'm taking this even harder based on the fact that I was recently dumped in a relationship where I was both a boyfriend... and a duckie. Needless to say, women... you need to stop doing this to the duckie's of the world. We are good guys with good hearts and you are taking advantage of us.

I'm not saying that by being friends with us you have to go out with us. But if you're not going to go out with us, you should at least find us a suitable replacement. I mean granted she was a little older but Molly Ringwald could have totally set Jon Cryer up with her co-worker the Ghostbusters' Secretary. But she didn't, because Molly Ringwald is a selfish bitch (not just in Pretty in Pink, she's quite full of herself in Sixteen Candles and Breakfast Club as well). This stretches beyond the John Hughes Universe, heck even in Goonies everyone ended up with a significant other except Mickey and Data (granted in this scenario Chunk's significant other is Sloth, but beggars can't be choosers).

I'm going to leave you on this; I've had three girlfriends ever. I've never watched a single teen flick or romantic comedy with any of those girls. Who did I watch teen flicks with? The Amanda Beckets, the Stratford sisters, the Samantha Bakers, Claire Standish's, Laney Boggs' and Lisa the Robot's of my life. I spend my life pining for my Andie Walsh.

Halloween at My house

So unless you've been living under a rock (or possibly an over-turned car if you live on Broad Street) then you may not know that the Phillies won the World Series and thus won the ability to have a Parade on MY special day (no, not my birthday, not my wedding day, HALLOWEEN). Now this parade did lead to some sweet things (extra credit points for going to class on Friday!)

So every year I do a horror movie marathon, and with Halloween falling on a Friday there was no way I WASN'T going to do my marathon this year. This year I decided I'd do something a little different, instead of me setting up a schedule for the night I decided that as each person entered my apartment they'd get to pick the movie we'd be watching next (from a list of horror movies of course, I wasn't about to spend my Halloween watching Never been kissed). Now I declared that this marathon was to start at 3PM, this means that whether there are 10 people there or just me, I would start the first movie. In this case, it was the latter. So what did I, Mr. Halloween King, Priding myself on my DVD collection Matt Kelly Pick? Hocus Pocus.

What can I say; I have a love for movies with talking cats. As I watched this movie I couldn't help but realize that... it's not very good. Its entertaining and has that good old fashion "bad" 90's story and acting, but it's just a bad movie. This is far from a good start for this marathon.

My friend Sarah arrived and made her selection, which ended up being Hatchet. If you read dorktower as much as I do (what can I say, I'm egotistical), then you'll remember that last issue, Hatchet was among my list of 15 movies to watch this Halloween. This is because I legitimately believe it to be one of the top 5 best horror movies of the new millennium. As Always, it didn't disappoint.

Sarah left and my brother showed up with his best friends Dave and Ryan, they were full of energy (as well as alcohol) from the Phillies Parade. Their movie pick was Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, clearly my brother and his friends are also readers of dorktower, what can I say, I write a well loved column. This movie is completely unsettling and that's why i love it.

At 6:52 we finally put to rest the question that had been on my mind for months, do kids trick or treat in apartment complexes... So Spiderman and Batman took their Kit-Kat Bars and were on their way.

The next movie we popped in was Jack Brooks, Monster Slayer. I'd just purchased it at Best Buy for $5.99 based on various recommendations. It was worth all 599 pennies. If you're like me and love good, fun movies. This is the movie for you. It falls into the same vein as Bubba Ho-Tep, Slither and Evil Dead 2.

My good friend Brian was next to arrive and thus his turn to select. Go figure the guy who hangs himself from hooks (or suspensions according to wikipedia) picked the Clive Barker S&M inspired gore-fest Hellraiser. Not much to say abut this movie except that it's still amazing by today's standards

To end the night my roommate picked the James Woods 80's classic Videodrome. David Cronenberg, much like David Lynch, expose a whole new level of twisted perspectives on society and Videodrome is a perfect example of this negative outlook on life.

So another Halloween comes to a succesful end and I'm already planning future parties and costumes. As should you.

Fifteen Horror Movies to watch this year

15. Whatever happened to Baby Jane? - I'm starting this list with something that is not generally referred to as a horror movie, but it's certainly an unsettling movie. The best way to describe this cult classic is a "dark comedy that gives you nothing to laugh at." The story follows two sisters, one crippled and the other is Baby Jane, a fallen star from the 20's. Baby Jane spends her days dreaming of when she was a celebrity while taking joy in torturing her defenseless sister. Joan Crawford and Bette Davis Shine as the lead roles.

14. Black Christmas - A Horror film for the holiday season, but this film should not be underestimated. Writer/Director Bob Clark (who also made The Christmas Story) is in my opinion, the rightful grandfather of the slasher genre (no offense to you John Carpenter). This fil.m created the format that would be copied in Halloween, Friday the 13th and hundreds of other slasher films. However it's done much darker and more unsettling than any other film. (you can also check out the so bad that it's kinda good remake)

13. Sleepaway Camp - So after watching a legitimately unsettling movie it's time for a truly awful (but damn entertaining) horror movie. In the 80's the slasher genre was dominating the American cinema and everyone had a story to tell. Sleepaway Camp is the story no one wanted to hear in the first place. The acting is awful, the plot is worst and the twist is actually ridiculous, and if you're watching it with the right people, you'll never have more fun watching a movie. If you want to have extra fun take a shot each time someone is wearing short shorts.

12. Peeping Tom - Release just a few months before Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho, Peeping Tom also gave us a perspective of a serial killer that we'd never seen before. In a weird way the film makes you feel almost sympathetic for the main character because, like Norman Bates, his acts have almost a 'lack of understanding' feeling than a malicious intent.

11. Behind the Mask - I only recommend this film if you're a slasher movie fan. If you're not a fan of the genre than this parody will go right over your head. Unlike horror parodies of the past (I'm looking at you Scary Movie 1-4) this film doesn't smack you in the face with sight gags. The humor is in being familiar with the genre and seeing it toyed with (much like Scream). A Documentary crew is hired to follow Leslie Vernon as he tries to become the next great horror icon. When they decide they can't allow him to kill innocent people, the shit hits the fan.

10. Magic - Anthony Hopkins is famous for his performance of Hannibal Lecter but before he was eating people and flirting with Jodie Foster, he was possessed by a puppet. Magic follows a lonely man's obsession with his puppet. He might be one of the most famous magicians around but who is the true puppet in this film? How far will Anthony Hopkins go to keep people from knowing about his strange best friend?

9. Slither - James Gunn is without a doubt the writer that everyone should know but doesn't know. He wrote the Dawn of the dead remake (one of the only good remakes out there), Scooby Doo 1&2 (who's self awareness makes it hilarious), as well as the Troma classic Tromeo and Juliet. But it was with Slither that he finally got to direct and the result is one of the funniest and most entertaining films of the last 15 years

8. Funhouse - A lot of people give this horror film the cold shoulder. A lot of people also call this Tobe Hooper's worst film and when I first saw this movie, I would have agreed with them. The film is very slow to get to the actual "story" of four kids spending the night in the funhouse, but in doing so it sets up the funhouse as a character all of its own. The film plays brilliant homages to other classics like Frankenstein, Psycho and Halloween. While it might seem like it's taking forever to start, enjoy the brilliant cinematography leading up to the pay off and it'll be worth the wait

7. Feast - A lot of people will tell you this is a bad movie, those people clearly don't understand how much of a sigh of relief it is to a horror film like myself. For once a horror movie that pulls no punches and is completely unpredictable at every turn. This film has no shame whether it's a nasty old women hooker getting her face raped by a goblin, mocking the handicapped, or killing a kid. Feast throws every punch imaginable and does it in a very stylistic and unpredictable way. Also it's full of gore and has a cast that includes Jason Mewes and Henry Rollins. If you love horror movies but are sick of the same old thing, give Feast a chance.

6. The Thing -  John Carpenter is one of the greatest directors of all time because he doesn't make films for you, or me. He makes movies for himself. It's that passion that makes his movies so infectious. The Thing could be one of the greatest remakes in cinema history. It took a simple 50's sci-fi film and made it  terrifying, unsettling and most importantly fun. When a shape-shifting alien attacks an army base... who can you trust?

5. Dead Alive - Before Peter Jackson was making Epic films he was creating gross out horror-comedies like Bad Taste and Meet the Feebles, but Dead Alive is the film that everyone needs to see. It carries the title of "goriest movie ever made" and I've yet to find something to beat it. Zombies attack a small New Zealand town and when they attack they tear off faces, pull out eyeballs, and rip spines out of backs.  It's up to two young lovers to save their whole town in this silly and gory horror-comedy that clearly took note from Sam Raimi's Evil Dead Trilogy

4. Creepshow - Combine George Romero (...of the living dead movies), Stephen King (one of the best horror writers) and Tales from the Crypt (The EC Horror comic book series) and you have one of the most entertaining two hours of 80's horror. Featuring an epic cast of Ted Danson, Leslie Nelson and Stephen King himself.

3. Hatchet - the half parody/half Serious style makes Hatchet one of the best horror movies of the last decade. Adam Greene's script is silly, well done and very self aware. A group of misfits go on a haunted boat trip an soon find themselves face to face with Victory Crawley (who is roughly a beefed up version of Jason Vorhees). The death scenes are over the top and in your face and extremely vulgar. If you've ever wanted to see someone murdered with a belt sander then here's you're new favorite movie.

2. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer - Henry is a completely unsympathetic psychopath who kills whoever he encounters. His acts of violence are real and gritty and it's clear that Henry gets no joy out of any of his actions. He simply does it to have something to do. The film took years to get released because no one wanted to touch the raw and documentary-like quality of this movie based on a real man. This film is guaranteed to disturb you. I promise.

1. Texas Chainsaw Massacre - We're talking the original here, not the remake. We're talking about that low-budget, gritty, documentary, guerilla style camera work that makes you feel like you ARE one of Leatherface's victims and not just a viewer. If you've never seen this film and you claim to be a horror fan, you are a fraud, plain and simple.

From the Vintage Bin: Weston - Matinee

It's a shame how few band in music realize that they owe basically everything that they play is somehow inspired by Weston. Back in the mid-90's the four piece pop punk band from Bethelehem, PA were the kings of the Philadelphia scene. They never exploded into mainstream music, but even famous bands like Weezer contributes Weston as part of their musical inspiration. Weston went through a lot of musical changes and by the time they got to their third LP 1997's Matinee they went into a much more Indie Pop sound.

The albums plays out like a movie by beginning and ending with the sound of a projector. To even further push the "movie" theme the lyrics are written in the main booklet in a "screenplay" format.

The opening track (appropriately named Opening Chord) is about how unoriginal music is. Lead singer Jim Synder sings "You probably heard this melody line before/I thought it up at the Grocery store/So stop your engines and start the press/I probably ripped you off, yeah that's my guess". The theme of unoriginal music continues into the next track Record Store, the closing track Radio and the fourth track Indie Rock Star when Jim chants "We're just a plain old indie rock band/We're bigger than the Beatles ever were" The stand out track on this album is also the shortest track. The 2:25 song Mrs. Perfect Girl is everything that a good old-fashion pop punk should be about. It's short, it's sweet, it's to the point and most importantly, it's very catchy

Am I saying that this is an album that should be owned by everyone on the planet? Not at all, but this is the type of CD that when you listen to it you want to pick up a guitar and start your own band. That's why I'm happy that Weston is back together and touring again, so go check out one of thier shows by checking their website for updates

(Editor's Note: Two months after this article, Weston broke up again)

The Dork Tower

This was the first article I wrote and where the name of this column originated

There was a group of eight of us, standing around, eating pizza and talking about the things that were most important to us. Movies, TV Shows, Video Games, Comics, you know, the basic pop culture stuff. It wasn't anything extremely important. We were awaiting the midnight release of Stephen Kings The Stand in its comic book form. The funny thing is that only one of the eight people actually bought the comic. In fact the comic was possibly the least important part of this outing. This was about the ritual.

Sometimes I think MIdnight should be called "Nerd-O-Clock". Is there any subculture, besides perhaps Vampires, that care so much about Midnight? Speaking as a self -proclaimed Geek; I can say that it seems after years of mockery, the Nerd culture has finally become a phenomenon. 

Why do you think people go to Midnight showings of Rocky Horror Picture Show every Month? Is it because they love the movie? Probably not, it's not really that great of a movie after all. It's for that feeling of acceptance, to know that someone else likes the same thing that you do. THis isn't really a new concept, I mean it's not like we're friends with people that we have nothing in common with. Buy why is that Nerds feel the ned to celebrate their unity at the same time Cinderella's carriage turned back into a Pumpkin?

As the cliche' goes... the proof is in the numbers. Dark Knight is now the 2nd highest grossing movie of all time. Other movies in the top ten include two Star Wars movies, two Pirates films, two Lord of the Rings and a Harry Potter film. On top of that, the other Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and Potter movies hang on that "almost in the top 10" grouping. Oh and a little comic book hero named Spiderman. These movies all experienced the midnight release where  every single screen in the theater was showing The Dark Knight, or Spiderman, or Lord of the Rings and thousands of people came as early as three weeks in advance, dressed as their favorite Marvel or DC characters to yell with excitement when the Joker performs his pencil trick or boo at the screen when we were disappointed at how bad X-men 3: The Last Stand was. This is what the Midnight experience is all about.

So perhaps the eight of us discussing why Arrested Development should have never been cancelled while chugging cans of Pepsi at the Effin' Comics shop in Drexel Hill isn't exactly what the midnight experience is about all the time. but the central focus of the midnight experience is the unity that you feel from being around people who are just like you. People who listen to MC Chris and want to discuss things like "Why isn't George McFly upset that his son Marty looks exactly like his old high school friend Calvin Kline?" Chances are the mysteries of the Midnight release won't be answered anytime soon. But to be honest, I'm glad that it's mine and that no one can take it from me.

Quick Explanation

So I write a bi-weekly column for the Penn State Brandywine Newspaper "The Lion's Eye". Based on the very small amount of readership I wanted to give my essays a slightly larger audience.

I'm going to post all the old essays first and then you can expect a blog once or twice a month.