Well here I am; Laying on an inflatable mattress in my new bedroom. I've been in this state for 12 hours and at least 9 of those hours I was sleeping. Yesterday was a rough day; I was shocked however that when I woke up; I wasn't completely depressed like I thought I'd be. But let's go to the beginning.
Tuesday was my last day in Pennsylvania. I had it planned out perfectly, I'd wake up; go to the bank; have a wawa lunch. Spend time with my family and then have a Cheesesteak for Dinner, Eat some rita's for desert and go to Tom Jones one last time with my closest of friends. Sadly, I became so dizzy and sick that I only got the wawa. My whole family came over to eat Cheesesteaks and I was so sick I just laid on the couch. It wasn't until almost 10pm when I had the energy to do anything. that's when I finally ordered a cheesesteak. I watched a movie alone and went to bed.
Although 'went to bed' is just a phrase. I didn't fall asleep. I mostly tossed and turned. I suddenly realized 'shit, this isn't like last year... I won't be back in 10 days with my family and friends. I won't return to my bed. I'm there for a long time.' I started to cry. I started to think about how much I'm going to miss. It's amazing the things you don't realize are important to you until you're about to leave them. Finally around 430am I dozed off.
I woke up at 7am and quickly showered. The whole time my dad kept pointing out that I didn't look happy. He was right, I didn't look happy. I'm sure deep down I was very happy and excited but at that moment, I was so overcome with sadness. Looking at my mother and father not knowing when I'd see them in person again. Hugging my brother and sister was hard. Hugging my mom was even harder. I spent so many years being distant emotionally from my family, now that we're finally emotionally close, I'm physically moving further away than ever before. Before I left my mom gave me a letter and told me not to open it until I was on the plane.
My dad and I picked up my aunt and we began driving to the airport. We arrived, checked in my bags and had a lunch... but I had no appetite. At best I picked at my burger. I felt sick. I left to board the plane. I sat and I opened the letter and I cried.
If I tried to say all the things I would love to say to you I know I'd cry. We are so proud of you and all your accomplishments. We know there is so much ahead of you and I know california is where you will meet your dreams head on. We are always in your heart every second of every minute of every hour of everyday. We will miss you so much no having you around, not feeling your hugs (that I love) but we are so happy for you to be able to live your dreams. Take hollywood by storm and make sure you get us front row seats at your first emmys. Keep God in your heart and close at all times. Also keep you Grandpop in your back pocket. If he were alive today he'd be telling me 'Smile... though your heart is aching' We love you Son. Mom & Dad"
It's been so long since I struggled to hold back tears. I'm so afraid I've made a mistake. Before the plane even left I kept repeating to myself, you can always come back.
The flight was continually delayed. We were suppose to leave at 1pm and it ended up being closer to 2pm. Behind me I had an obnoxious and spoiled little girl. She had a squeaky voice like Theodore from Alvin and the Chipmunks. She screamed, threw hissyfits and was constantly cruel and stand off-ish towards her mom. I put on my headphones and played music to sleep. We made a stop in Houston where we were delayed another hour. I was originaly scheduled to land at 5:30... I landed at 730 (keep in mind based on time difference that was 1030 Eastern time meaning I was sitting on a plane 9 and a half hours). I waited for the Super Shuttle to come and take me to my new apartment. The super shuttle drove much like the taxi cab in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Quick and jerky. Finally I arrived and was greeted by Walton and Gilmore. Gilmore proceeded to videotape the experience.
Due to hunger, being tired and jet lag I didn't do much. We got dinner across the street (which I once again barely ate) and then I went to sleep. The place is small, but it's nice. Part of me wants to just pack up and board the next plane home... but I know that's my nerves and my fear. I did say I was going to give myself 3 years before I give up... but I've changed my mind on that. I'm going to give myself a year to feel at home.
I need to explore, to work, to meet new friends and maybe find love. But if after a year... I still feel this way... then Hollywood may not be for me. It's always been my dream to write; but I think I love my family and friends more than that dream. And that's something I never ever thought I'd say. So here's to a year of self-discovery.