Monday, January 17, 2011

"I Wanna Date Matt Kelly 101" - The Syllabus

So you want to date Matt Kelly? Well get in line! Everyone wants to date a blogging/podcasting Humorist like Matt Kelly. A dating Matt Kelly career has been growing and getting more competitive each year (aka more and more guys are getting married and people are being left with fewer options... mainly date Matt Kelly or go Lez). While this career is a very selective one, with "I Wanna Date Matt Kelly 101" we'll be able to help you succeed in your goals and future career.

Classes are Tuesday and Thursday at 6pm. However as long as a girl shows up Matt Kelly will be happy. You could show up Friday at 11:45 and he'd act as if Christmas came twice. He's a very easy to please man. The class will be broken into 3 pop-culture sections with additional required reading attached.

1) Television Shows
you will watch select episodes of Scrubs, That 70's Show and How I Met Your Mother. Matt claims that these are the only TV shows where he was able to truly related to their main characters. Based on the fact that all three of these characters have had various girlfriends and very active sex lives leads us to believe Matt is quite delusional.

REQUIRED READING: Superstud: or how I became a 24 year old virgin by Paul Feig - Now Matt Kelly may not be a 24-year old virgin, but Paul's very honest and blunt sexual blunders and inability to understand sex AT ALL is a much better understanding of the real Matt Kelly.

2) Movies
We will be watching the five movies Matt Kelly refers to as his all-time favorites. Clerks, Garden State, Harold & Maude, The Muppet Movie and Say Anything.... While at least two of these movies are in no way romance films, you'll get introduction to the type of sappy, pretenious or lame movies that he will subject you to in this relationship. Shit talk the movies you want, but if you dislike The Muppet Movie or Harold & Maude you can kiss this relationship goodbye.

REQUIRED READING: Sex, Drugs & Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman - Matt likes to consider himself a humorist and satirist like he's favorite writer Chuck Klosterman. You won't be so lucky to be with someone as witty as Klosterman; but you will be with someone who also considers John Cusack the reason he's still single.

3) Music
We'll listen to select songs that Matt considers the most beautiful songs ever written up-to and including Colin Hay's "I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You", Dire Straits "Romeo & Juliet' and Louie Armstrongs "Dream a LIttle Dream".

REQUIRED READING: High Fidelity by Nick Hornby - This music obsessed novel about a record store owner unlucky in love is pretty much perfect way to see inside Matt's over-thinking and pop culture obsessed options of love. In one part a character decides to create a list of questions in order to determine what girls are date-able. While this is generally considered it's a terrible idea even among the characters in the book, he thought it was brilliant. He only got one date with that particular girl... yes he's an idiot.

If you make throw all this and STILL want to pursue your career goal of dating Matt Kelly... then you have failed.

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