The Enjoyment Of Unemployment

            Now you might not be aware of this since the newspapers haven’t really been covering it but the economy is in shambles. Even me, fresh out of college with a relatively useless degree is having trouble finding a job in this society. I’ve been paying rent and affording food through my graduation money and series of random odd jobs. But alas I spend most of my free time sitting on the couch in my apartment watching That 70’s Show reruns on FX. Basically what I’m trying to say is that Unemployment is fucking AWESOME!

            Honestly, if I could find a way to get paid a full time salary to simply BE unemployed I’d take that job in a second. And honestly, I never realized it before but That 70’s Show is an absolutely brilliant TV sitcom. It’s brilliant in the all-round generic ness of it all.  Every character is just like any other character you’ve seen on television. But who can’t relate to the life of Eric Forman? While watching reruns (all from season 7) I couldn’t help but feel like I was looking at a mirror when Eric Forman discusses the advantages of not working for a year because he has the time to slip and slide all day long and catch butterflies. Granted, I’m not really leaving my house (or even getting showered and changed) but there is some bizarro-world lines being drawn between me in my unemployment watching Eric in his unemployment.

            The biggest problem with That 70’s Show (besides the failed sitcom spin off That 80’s Show) is the laugh track. But I’ve learned to deal with it. It makes sense in the way the show is shoot and such, what doesn’t make sense to me is the laugh track on one of my new favorite shows How I met Your Mother. The show has a very non-linear story-telling aspect and it has legitimately funny jokes and storylines. I don’t understand why a laugh track is necessary. Neil Patrick Harris’ performance of Barney might be tied with Charlie in Always Sunny in Philadelphia for the best sitcom character in this post-Seinfeld world. But what really drew me into How I Met Your Mother is the always beautiful, can-take-home-to-mom Alyson Hannigan.

            Alyson Hannigan made me really start to think about the fact that there is a difference between “celebrities I want to fuck” and “celebrities I want take home to momma.” I think it’s extremely healthy for any couple to sit down make a list of celebrities that ‘if given the chance to have a one night stand, they could and it wouldn’t be considered cheating’. Legally this list can’t have more than like… five names. There’s only one celebrity that is on both my lists… Christina Ricci. I’ve had a crush on her ever since I first saw Casper (is it creepy that I only saw it last year?).

            I suppose it’s important that I clarify something. I use the word celebrity very roughly. Christina Ricci is the only celebrity that I want to “bring home to momma” as my roommate Jeff pointed out, all other celebrities that you’d want to marry… you’re simply in love with a character that they play but you want to fuck the actress that plays them. I’ve literally loved every character I’ve seen Christina Ricci play (I even love her in Anything else which is one of woody Allen’s worst movies and her character is a total bitch the whole movie) except Black Snake Moan where she’s a little too skanky for my taste.

            I’m going to post both lists but you’ll notice a lacking of Christina Ricci, just assume she’s number one on both lists and that my number 5 is simply an honorable mention (celebrity I want to jerk it to & celebrity I want to jerk it to in front of momma).

            CELEBRITIES I WANT TO FUCK:

1. Emmanuelle Chriqui

2. Elisha Cuthbert

3. Eliza Dushku

4. Mandy Moore

5. Julia Stiles

 

             CELEBRITIES I WANT TO TAKE HOME TO MOMMA

1. Alyson Hannigan – Lily Aldrin on How I Met Your Mother

2. Larisa Oleynik – Wendy in 100 Girls (Granted, she’s gay in this)

3. Natalie Portman – Sam in Garden State

4. Drew Barrymore – Julia in Wedding Singer

5. Mena Suvari – Dora Diamond in Loser

  I’d also like to point out that my #5 on the Celebrities I want to take home to momma was a tough call between Mena Suvari and Amanda Detmer as Sandy in Saving Silverman but I might just want to fuck a nun.

            Perhaps it’s lists like this that maybe the reason that my roommate and I are spending our valentine’s day watching Family Feud Reruns on Game show network all day.  In all actuality this might be the worst Valentine’s Day in my recorded history.

Last night while I was attending a party that was literally like every party you’ve ever seen in any movie I received a text from my ex-girlfriend. She hasn’t felt a need to text me since Christmas but alas she wanted to send me a picture of Harold and Maude (which despite being about an 80 year old women fucking a 20 year old kid, I still consider it my favorite romantic comedy) with the message “this made me think of you.” That certainly depressed me a little bit but at least I’m smart enough to not text her back.

I found these two identical twins from Texas on facebook this morning. I’d had a crush on these twins for a long time. Ever since I met them in high school, infact I called them the Texas twins.  Turns out they’re both engaged, also three more of my friends got engaged in the last 24 hours, so that was just some more reminders that I’m single and alone but the true cherry on the crap-cake was when I walked to the bathroom and heard my roommate getting his valentine’s day gift from his girlfriend.

At least, I hope that’s what they were doing. All I heard was “Pull my hair, oh yeah” and then I tried to block it out while a urinated. I couldn’t help but think, if I can hear them while I’m peeing… then can they hear me?

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that someone should buy me That 70’s Show seasons 3-8 on DVD for Valentine’s Day.