What I've heard past & present

Top 10 Albums of 2009

10. Bishop Allen: Grrrr - This is admittedly not their best album. I didn't like the album when I first heard it, however after seeing them live and hearing what these songs they way they've been intended to hear and realized they are brilliant!

Recommended Track: Cue the Elephants

9. Ben Folds: University A Cappella - After seeing the video of a college a capella group singing his cover of "Bitches Ain't Shit" ben folds decided to have an online contest where a capella groups could submit their videos and he'd pick the best ones and put them on a CD. Some tracks are better than others and I was extremely disappointed by the rendition of "Evaporated"

Recommended Track: The University of Georgia performing You Don't Know Me

8. Norah Jones: The Fall - This CD is completely different than anything Norah Jones has previously released. It focuses more on Pop than the Jazz and Country of her past albums. Norah Jones will never record another "Come Away With Me" but that doesn't make this album any less interesting.

Recommended Track: Chasing Pirates

7. Flight of the Conchords: I Told You I was Freaky - Flight of the Conchords' second season was less than stellar. Compared to how brilliant the first season was the second season felt rushed and certainly lacked the laugh out loud jokes that make the first season so enjoyable. Regardless their second album is still a great album and not as a comedy CD but as a musical accomplishment it is impressive, perhaps even more impressive than their debut album last year.

Recommended Track: Sugarlumps

6. Weezer: Raditude - People give Weezer a bunch of crap for not being "Pinkerton Weezer" but what makes no sense to me is that this album is literally Weezer doing what Weezer does best, making good catchy songs. Is every single track on Raditude a winner? No, but Weezer (much like Green day and Blink 182) are always above average even at their worst.

Recommended Tracks: The Girl Got Hot

5. Lonely Island: Incredibad - Lonely Island has always been well loved for their songs on SNL. Between Lazy Sunday, Dick in a Box and I'm On a Boat. When they announced a CD release it was tough to decide if it was going to be hilarious or a disappointment, but with this release it's proof that Lonely Island to Hip Hop is what Tenacious D is to Metal. I believe you could play this CD at a party and no one would know it was a comedy CD unless they listened to the lyrics

Recommended Track: Punch you in the Jeans

4. Relient K: Forget and Not Slow Down - Relient K of now is not the same band I saw in a church basement a decade ago. Ten years ago the band was a christian blink 182, they were young and weird and silly, occasionally they'd talk about God but they more mostly about a G-rated good time. Now they're mature and writing concept albums and this is their finest record as the "new Relient K". It's a story of a break-up and a break-down and then a rebuild.

Recommended Track: Part of It

3. Mewithoutyou: It's All Crazy! It's All False! It's All A Dream! It's Alright! - Mewithoutyou is another band that has changed quite a bit over the years. For two albums they were poetic post-hardcore screamo, suddenly, they stopped screaming and put down their electric guitars for acoustic guitars. A few years ago this change occurred but with their newest album under the production/guest vocals of "Brother" Danielson Smith the band created one of the most magical CDs of the decade channelling elements of Neutral Milk Hotel and other alt-folk indie rockers

Recommended Track: The Fox, The Crow & The Cookie

2. The March Hare: Mister Nimbus - No band breaking up upsets me more than The March Hare. Not enough people know who this band is because they were an unsigned indie band from Philadelphia, they were a band for almost 4 years before finally releasing their first (and last) LP. It is one of the most amazing and well constructed albums I've ever heard. Everytime I listen to it, it provides me something new to love about it.

Recommended Track: Dial 9-11

1. fun. - Aim & Ignite - When the Format broke up and I heard that Nate had formed a new band featuring members of Anathallo & Steel Train I felt there was no way the album would be a disappointment. As it got closer and closer to the CD release I started worrying it would disappointing like the Star wars Prequels... thankfully the former thought was the correct one. Every single second of this album is brilliant, every line of lyric, every plug of a string all of it. It's amazing from start to finish.

Recommended Track: Besides the whole fucking album... The Gambler or Be Calm

TOP 10 CDS of 1999

1. The Get Up Kids: Something to write Home About - The Get Up Kids is the greatest Emo CD ever written and easily one of the top 100 greatest CD ever made, everyone should own this album if they don't already.
2. The Ataris: Blue Skies, Broken Hearts, next 12 Exits - This isn't the Atari's best album in my opinion (99% of Punk Music fans will disagree with me) but regardless it's an amazing album. It contains the song San Damis High School Football Rules which is the greatest pop punk song ever written.
3. Eminem: The Slim Shady LP - I think that "My Name Is..." might very well be the greatest debut single ever. This album has some of the greatest tongue-in-cheek word play in rap history.
4. Blink 182: Enema of the State - This is the album that made Blink 182 the biggest band in the world for a while and with good reason, it's catchy and fun. We can only hope that with their new album they can still keep it as fun as this album.
5. Limp Bizkit: Significant Other - Limp Bizkit has become the butt of various jokes now about the music scene but this album is incredible. Limp Bizkit is NOT Fred Durst... its all about the visionary musical styles of Wes Borland
6. Jimmie’s Chicken Shack: Bring Your Own Stereo - The entire album is about Jimi's old girlfriend, I'm sorry that he got his heart broke but if it means that the music was going to be this amazing then I'm glad it happened
7. Red Hot Chili Peppers: Californication - This is when the band really started to shine as more than just a wacky group of California musicians
8. Fenix*TX - One of the Original Punk-Ass bands singing songs like "The rooster song" which starts every line with "I gotta big cock"
9. Dogwood: More than Conquerors - The lead vocalist always leaves something to be desired by he's got alot of power in his off-key singing.
10. “Weird Al” Yankovic: Running with Scissors - Possibly one of Al's greatest albums

What I've Seen past and present

10. Community College  - Nobody has seen or heard of this movie because it was made by my friends in New Jersey. It's an original and funny movie that works almost like a live-action Calvin & Hobbes constantly dancing between fantasy and reality. I think in time it can become a real cult classic.

9. Watchmen - Not everyone loved Watchmen but I for one felt this was the best movie adaptation of the comic you could ever possibly get. I think we also got a better ending out of this movie than we did in the comic not to mention pitch-perfect performances of characters we've loved for years.

8. Funny People - While the movie is admittedly very long and feels like two different movies combined into one it's the heart of the film that really makes it memorable. The best part of this movie is the way it uses real footage of it's actors to blur the lines of reality in a touching film.

7. Zombieland - Someone once told me this was the best zombie movie of all time. I don't agree with that particular statement but it is one of the more well written ones in recent time. I think that the 2nd half of the movie is much more entertaining than the first half specifically when the film picks up stem with a very unexpected but hilarious cameo

6. The Hangover - It was advertised as a really offensive in your face comedy from the same people who gave us Road Trip and Old School. While it had offensive humor it wasn't like the typical college humor gross out. It was a smart, well-written and compelling mystery full with unexpected twists and turns and hilarious one liners.

5. Crank 2 - I'll admit that Crank and Crank 2 are not the most brilliant movies ever written but I will say that I will NEVER have as much fun watching a movie as I did the first time I watched Crank 2 in the theaters. The entire film plays like a giant fuck you to the typical action genre. It's unrealistic, fast-paced, violent and crude and it doesn't give a shit about it. That's the true charm.

4. District 9 - I managed to avoid almost everything about this movie so when I finally saw it I was legitimately surprised as to what it was about. What I thought was going to just be an alien war film actually turned out to be an interesting and touching picture about immigration and human rights. The documentary style ads such an interesting level of realism and the interviews early on pull you in wondering what happened to the main character.

3. Up - Pixar seems to almost never be able to do wrong. Everyone told me multiple times that it's impossible to cry during Up. They were absolutely write. Every emotion moment hits each chord so well that it's hard to not get teary-eyed every 15 minutes or so. Pixar created a children's adventure film that's also a more touching love story than anything Nicholas Sparks ever wrote.

2. Adventureland - Poor Advertising practically murdered this film before it had a chance. Adventureland is a relatable story of post college life. It's greatest appeal is that there is no villain in this film, even the characters we're supposed to dislike are likeable. If only this wasn't advertised as "Superbad and Waiting in an amusement park"

1. (500) Days of Summer - One of the best stories ever written about a break-up is so perfectly constructed around the motions of loss. It jumps around and tells the story in an almost pitch-perfect way with great songs, great performances and wonderful fantasy elements. In the same company as Eternal Sunshine, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Annie Hall

In retrospect... ten years ago, these are the best movies from 1999

10. Being John Malkovich - Spike Jonze and Charlie Kaufman give us one of the most bizarre mind-fuck films ever

9. Office Space - Working in a cubic never looked so awful but Mike Judge's directoral debut is the ultimate work-rebellion story

8. Man on the Moon - Jim Carey brings the best performance of his life in this telling of Andy Kaufman's life. Extremely touching and well written.

7. Run Lola Run - The brilliant foreign film teaching us in 3 different version of the same story about how the smallest little thing could change the course of an event.

6. Titus - Shakespeare has never seemed so violent and outrageous. Where Shakespeare's original lacks in story the adapation makes up in appearance

5. South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut - The South Park boys hit the big screen in a musical comedy that is better written than any of the mainstream musicals in the last few years (I'm looking at you Hairspray)

4. American Pie - The most honest high school film not written by John Hughes. The characters are relatable and their personal growth is touching

3. The Iron Giant - Brad Bird proved his brilliance in this 2-D film that mixes comedy, sci-fi and mixes lots of heart to create a wonderful fantasy that leaves you wanting more each viewing

2. Election - One of the darkest high school films ever made. While American Pie and John Hughes films are touching Election shows the darkness in high school hiarchy.

1. Fight Club - This very well might be one of the best movies of the 90's. It will be a film that is watched and re-watched and studied over and over again for years to come.

and a season for change

It's incredible how the holidays can make some people (ie: Myself) become very emotional and reflective. I spend roughly 8 or 9 hours with my family for Thanksgiving and it leads to me running back to my blog that hasn't been touched since July. Is this a return to form? Not likely, it's simply me finally having something to say. Much has happened over roughly 6 months of time. I've made new friends, made plans of the future, made DVD purchases and started new jobs. I've even witness some major celebrities die. This is about death and influence.

This thanksgiving I was on the verge of crying at least three different times. All three of those times were due to some form of death be it real or fictional people. All of these incidents were related to Television and movies which is sad. I almost feel like Peter Sellers in Being There. The first incident was during my breakfast with the family, we finished up and I was helping my mom clean the table. While I cleaned I told her all about the film Up. Without even watching the movie but simply reflecting on the first 15 minutes I got teary-eyed. When I spoke of the undying love that Carl had for Ellie, I couldn't help but wish for a similar love to enter my life. Someone whom I've described in a previous blog about Before Sunset. I know that I won't be alone forever, but with every passing day the patience to wait for someone to love gets harder and harder.

Shortly after cleaning the dishes my mother wanted to watch the Sesame Street: 40 years of Sunny Days DVD that I had recently purchased. I told her i consider it to be the greatest DVD in my DVD collection. (For those of you curious the rest of the top 10 goes: 2. Clerks X, 3. The Muppet Show: Season 1, 4. Kaiju Big Battle Volume 1, 5. Marx Brothers: Silver Screen Collection, 6. The State: The Complete Series, 7. Monster Squad, 8. Tenacious D: Complete Masterworks Volume 1, 9. Monty Python & the Holy Grail, 10. Undeclared: the Complete Series) There is a segment on the DVD that has made me cry every single time I've seen it, it's the infamous sequence in which Big Bird discovers that Sesame Street resident Mr. Hooper has died. What makes the scene all the more emotionally heart-wrenching is the fact that the actor who played Mr. Hooper really had died and the cast members who are speaking about him are clearly emotional over the lose of their very good and close friend/co-worker.  This to me also shows the brilliance behind a man like Jim Henson. He gave us incredibly realistic characters out of nothing more than clothe. I think every person can relate to the Muppets in some way and in most cases everyone can be compared to at least one Muppet. That however is an essay for another day.

Finally I got my grandmother's house where I had some lunch, afterwards I went down in the basement where my family was watching television. As they flipped through the channels I realized something very strange. Almost every channel seemed to be playing a John Hughes movie. Uncle Buck was on one channel, Planes, Trains & Automobiles on another channel, a Home Alone Marathon on FX. This was all the more upsetting because John Hughes death this fall was the first time that I've gotten upset at the loss of a celebrity in years. There are three speeches or dialogue exchanges from the three movies that I named that truly showed the brilliance beauty behind John Hughes that will make his death all the more upsetting to me.

Uncle Buck

"I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, and I'm coming looking for you!"

What's not to love about this comment. So many times in my life I've felt like teachers and other adults have looked down at me and my friends for still believing in ourselves. We allow ourselves to work terrible jobs just so we can spend the weekends writing, drawing and filming all hoping to one day be something important. John Hughes knew the importance of that and saw the way that some people see being a "day-dreamer" and "having an active imagination" as being a "bad kid".

Planes, Trains & Automobiles

"You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right, I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you... but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me; I'm not changing. I like... I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get"

I don't know if it's the dialogue, John Candy's delivery or a combination of the both but this is my all-time favorite moment in a movie. In my life (and I'm sure everyone else's) we've found people who are so unhappy and negative. As often as I get depressed or upset sometimes, I still try to be a caring and understanding individual. So many times I've thought this speech in my head when dealing with people who seem to hate everyone and everything. John Hughes always did love the types of outcasts that the rest of the world turned their shoulder on and nothing speaks that better than this monologue.

Home Alone

To write everything that is said in the scene I want to cover would take up fair too much space. It's close enough to christmas for you to pop your copy of Home Alone in (come on, you know you own it and if you don't what the hell are you doing!?) and watch it. The scene that touched me is the scene where Marley (Kevin's creepy neighbor) and Kevin are talking in the church. Marley opens up about not having seen his son in years and being afraid to call him and apologize and with the complete innocence of an 8-year old Kevin simply suggests that he try it anyway. 

John Hughes loved children. It was clear in everything he wrote. Almost every movie was a love letter to kids from 8 to 18. Home Alone shows his understanding of childhood innocence better than any film before it or after it.

It's now 7PM on Thanksgiving night, I have to work Black Friday tomorrow but I don't care because I am now... officially in the Christmas Spirit.

I Now Pronounce you... a disaster

Fourth of  July, it's a time for fireworks, Barbecues and times with your family... that is, unless you're me. I was asked to DJ a wedding in Doylestown (roughly an hour drive from my house). This wedding was all different shades of a disaster, and here's a list of reasons why (some avoidable, some unavoidable, some just plain based on crappy personalities) Let's begin with the major problem:

1) Don't EVER have your Reception outside: While it seems to be every one's dream to have an outdoor wedding, most people know that outdoor receptions are a little rougher. In fact, a lot of places will straight up refuse to deal with outdoor receptions because they know its a disaster waiting to happen. The wedding that I DJ-ed was in an uncle's backyard (granted he had A LOT of property), throughout the wedding wind would kick up and blow over the potted plants on the tables causing the water inside the vase to spill everywhere on the table and on guests laps and plates of food.

2) DON'T put your DJ is a FUCKING GARAGE!: My set up that I brought to this show was HUGE. A sound board with 4 CD players built into it, four speakers, 3 CD books and a 4-light system ran through a switchboard. What did they give me? A Table for tailgating and shoved me in their garage. Know what happens when you have that much power running in a small space? Circuit breakers tend to get over-ride and shut off the power. Guess when that happened... DURING THEIR FIRST DANCE AS A COUPLE!

3) If you're 20+ and still act like a college frat house bro you're NOT allowed to be married: This wedding was like watching every hated character from every Teen Flick and College film gathered in one group. The wedding party was the Alpha-Betas, Mike Dexter and Omega Thea Pi hanging out together, but when that modern twist. The Men in the party wore khaki pants, untucked white collared shirts and gray flip-flops, the women at the party wore flip flops as well, during the reception they walked around with a bucket of flip-flops to hand out to EVERYONE who attended (except that DJ, but he was super hetero so he didn't care). The Drunker they got the more retarded they became. There's a scene in the movie Whatever it Takes where two of the Jock characters throw fireworks at a girls feet in the middle of a party just to laugh at them and end up getting with the girls, I always believed this was just a movie, until I witness that EXACT FUCKING THING HAPPEN! Not only did they throw fireworks a girl while she was dancing, she and her friends called them both assholes and ended up making out with them a few minutes later. I really knew they were douche when they asked me to play Journey, Big and Rich and Toby Keith MULTIPLE times... Which leads me too.

4) If you're a Country fan, and so is EVERYONE in your family tree, you should TELL THE DJ THAT: Most DJ's, tend to make their money doing high school and college events or bar gigs. These events tend to involve playing mostly the "big hits of today". Now every DJ is always has the "classic" party songs (90's rap, disco, line-dances, etc), but there's one genre that most DJ's don't carry much of, Country. Unless it's one of the biggest country songs out there ("Save a Horse - Big & Rich", "Amazed - Lonestar", etc) DJ's aren't very well supplied in that genre. If you don't tell the DJ that he needs country (and giving specific songs would be even MORE amazing) then don't yell at him when he DOESN'T have the music your guests request. In fact when I did my friend Mark and Laura's wedding they specifically sent me a list of 100 songs not necessarily to play but to be a GUIDELINE to what I should have with me.

I can't put a number down for this one, but if you read that list, you'll see how this wedding went DJ wise, after the Journey and Big & Rich the people were on the dance floor. I was suppose to wrap it all up at 10. The last song I was suppose to play was You and Me by Lifehouse. I started playing the song and packed up the microphone and everything else and I look up to see the bride, not dancing with her husband, but crying uncontrollably, I was asked to please fade the music out because the Bride's grandfather died on the way home. This is not funny, it's actually very upsetting, specifically to me... up until this point I had a pretty awesome stand-up routine based around this event. 

Scrubbing the Surface

A week ago, my favorite show of all time Scrubs had a finale. Was it a SERIES finale or  just a Season Finale nobody seems to know. I do know this much, if there is a new season of this show, I'm going to be EXTREMELY angrily. I faithfully have followed this show for roughly 4 years.

It started in 2004 when I first saw Garden State which was despite the fact that the "quality" of the movie is constantly debatable, it had a huge impact on my life. At that point in 2004, I was Andrew Largeman. I was getting ready for college and I had no clue what do with my life and my relationship with my family wasn't the strongest in the world (it's funny how some things don't change much).  I knew that the movie was starring, written and directed by this guy Zach Braff that was only really known for some hospital show Scrubs. At the time I worked at an old folks home in the cafe with a man named James (who I still would rank as one of the best - if not the- best bosses I've ever had). He was a huge fan of Scrubs and constantly told me that i reminded him of the main character J.D. (he was the first in a long line of people to do so).

My freshmen year of college I got a netflix account and put this Scrubs show on my queue. I remember chuckling a little bit during the first two episodes. But then came an episode called My Old Lady this episode is not only my favorite episode of the show but it's also one of the only things that will make me cry EVERY TIME I WATCH IT. There was a piece of me that realized that I really WAS J.D. and that what this dying lady was telling him to do was what I SHOULD BE DOING. Beyond that she reminded me alot of my grandfather and what it was like to watch him except death so positively.

I immediately went out and purchased the first 2 seasons on DVD and made many of my friends and family members watch it. As college continued I got more and more "J.D. comparisons". Whenever a new season came out I'd call out of work or skip classes or whatever I needed to do and bought the season and gathered with friends to watch it together. There were lots of laughs and occasionally misty eyes. We'd gather and watch the new episodes as they aired on NBC and constantly tried to figure out how the show was going to end.

When the show moved to ABC we prepared for what was suppose to be the last season, but was definitely Bill Lawrence (the show's creator) and Zach Braff's last season. I've never been so committed to following a TV series as I was with Scrubs specifically in this final season. As we get to the conclusion of this series we see our hero J.D. getting ready to move on with his life. He's got his girlfriend Elliot (who we were promised he'd never end up with on various commentary tracks), a new job and a new home located closer to his son. The Finale takes place on J.D.'s last day at work and he desperately wants a memorable send off which Elliot and Turk provide. However, Dr. Cox the man who J.D. has desperately wanted the love and affection of will not acknowledge this departure as significant in any way, shape or form. 

J.D. finally tricks Dr. Cox into finally expressing his true emotions and while it was a humorous moment, that's when the "choking up" offically began for me. J.D. turns around the corner where he's greeted (in his head) by anyone that ever had anything to do with the show including various characters who died. One of these characters is the women from My Old Lady just seeing her and hearing her ask "Did you ever get to go on that picnic" began the waterworks for me. We conclude with J.D. looking at an imaginary movie screen (created by the 'Goodbye J.D.' sign that his best friend Turk has hung up) and to the PERFECT music choice of The Book of Love by Peter Gabriel, J.D. imagines his future. Marrying Elliot, her having a baby, his son and Turk's daughter getting married and him living happily ever after. As J.D. walks past a Janitor (played by Bill Lawrence in a simple by symbolic cameo) who's throwing out the Goodbye J.D. sign he thinks "why can't, just this once, my fantasy be a reality."

I'm going to miss this show and it's impact. But this is the way it MUST end. To continue it would be a great injustice to the show and it's fans. What's been bothering me is that every time I watch this episode, I still get upset. It's because this episode has shown me how much like J.D. I truly am (or rather have become). I've lived in a lifestyle where my family isn't very open about their emotions and my friends are even more shut off. I have never, ever imagined that a TV show would have this much of an impact on me and even furthermore, show me a side of myself that I didn't know I had.

While I sit in my bed still bitter about a break up that happened months ago, I'm watching my friends moving on with their lives. They're getting married, having kids and careers. I'm constantly afraid of being forgotten. In fact the only fear I have is that one day I'm going to die and not a single person will notice that I'm gone. 

I've also realized that over the last few weeks/months. I've spent a large bulk of my time as a comforter to my friends. I've helped them through break ups, stress and even helped someone I hardly knew get a new job (meanwhile I still remain unemployed). I don't know why I do these things. I don't think that I should be applauded or patted on the back for helping people. It seems silly really. Anyone can help a friend and most people do. But it seems like when I meet people, they instant take trust in me. I don't know why this is. But I hope to God that if nothing else, when I die (be it tomorrow or 50 years from now), people will say that I loved people. 

The Beautiful night in Paris I never had

About two years after seeing the original I've finally gotten around to seeing Before Sunset the sequel to Before Sunrise which is one of the most beautiful and romantic movies ever made. While watching this movie I was struck with the sudden realization that while I have crushes galore, I know what I want. 

I can fall in love with every beautiful face that comes around, I can look at every girl and decided "too fat", "too skinny" or "just right" like I'm Goldilocks just sitting in various chairs until I find the one that fits. But I've realized I know what I want. I don't know who, but I know what. Perhaps I have high standards and maybe I'll be single for years from now who knows but I know what I need.

It seems like every time I meet a girl who I like and I think she likes me, I'm wrong. Likewise every time I meet a girl who I like but I think she'd never like me that way, I'm wrong again. I'm the king of poor decisions and bad timing. I can't read anyone and I either make a move to soon or not soon enough. There's a girl who I've been talking to a lot lately. For the first time I'm pretty sure that my instincts are totally right. Sadly my instincts are telling me that this person doesn't like me that way and it's a shame.

In my brain I've had a large pile of "date ideas". Laying out in the Park at night staring at stars, trips to the mountains and the beach, picnics, trips to a park just because, concerts, movies, dinners by candlelight, hell it's a dream of mine to simply cuddle up on a couch with a girl and watch a movie like Harvey or It happened one night or Some like it hot. I want a classical girl that also has a nice healthy blending of indie/art school girl.

Even more important to me is that I want a girl to create with. The other day I was looking at a picture of puppeters working on a movie and it made me think about how Jim Henson and his wife were constantly working together. I don't want to be a filmmaker who does his own thing while his wife is sitting in a office building somewhere. That's not to say that I don't want her to have her own career at all but it's far more fun to create with various people then to just create on your own and I'd love a girlfriend who would create with me.

I think the girl I'm talking about exists, I think I met her and I think that these are all the things she's looking for too. I also think that she doesn't like me that way, even more confusing is that I'm pretty sure she'll eventually read this. I heavily advertise my blog to people through Facebook, twitter, and on AIM. Despite the fact that I'm sure there will be at least 4-5 girls who will think this is about them, I have a strong feeling that the person it's actually about will be clueless that it's about her.

It's weird, I normally am scared to tell any women in my life about this blog. Perhaps it's my discussing of crushes or the fact that I constantly talk about masterbation and sex in here but everytime I directly link a girl to my blog to read an entry, I'm always afraid she'll read other entries and have a change of opinion on me. But I have to say that this is the scariest entry I've ever posted because I think I've really opened myself up too much for my own good.

Every OkCupid Account I've ever read

MY SELF-SUMMARY
I really hate writing about myself in these self-summary things, but I guess this is worth a shot. I'm a strict vegetarian art student. Music and Art is my life! I'm sick of guys just seeing me as a sex object and thing it's time to find someone who likes me for me.

WHAT I’M DOING WITH MY LIFE
I've just finished Grad school and I'm an art teacher now. I love my job soooo much

I’M REALLY GOOD AT
Cheering people up with my smile, Teaching, being there for my girls

THE FIRST THING(S) PEOPLE USUALLY NOTICE ABOUT ME
My eyes

MY FAVORITE BOOKS, MOVIES, MUSIC, AND FOOD
Books: Anything by Chuck Palahniuk, I also love David Eggar's "A staggering work of Genius"
Movies: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Garden State, Anything by Wes Anderson and Tim Burton
Music: Anything except Country
Food: I love chinese, but specifically vegetarian sushi

THE SIX THINGS I COULD NEVER DO WITHOUT
1. Sex
2. Love
3. My Family
4. My Girls
5. My Cute Puppy
6. My Camera

I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT
If love really exists, how I can meet Johnny Depp :P just playin

ON A TYPICAL FRIDAY NIGHT I AM
Out drinking with my girls

THE MOST PRIVATE THING I’M WILLING TO ADMIT HERE
I'm typically an Open book! Just ask and I'll tell you anything!

YOU SHOULD MESSAGE ME IF
If you're cool and looking for something other than sex

My Driving Forces

Sometimes I can’t help but get frustrated at the on going decline of quality cinema. I’ve never, ever considered myself to be even remotely pretencious. Infact I hate pretencious people more than anything in the world. The fact of the matter is while I love movies like Casablanca and Citizen Kane I also love crap-fests like Troll 2 and recently Dance of the Dead.

I am not going to say that a movie like Dance of the Dead should win any awards. Nor should Crank 2 which is easily the most fun I ever had at a movie. But what’s sad is that these are among the best films I’ve seen from in the last few years. Crank 2 is currently my second favorite movie of 2009 (behind the disappointingly unfair bomb Adventureland)

Recently on my netflix I’ve been watching older films, specifically movies like The General, City Lights, Duck Soup and Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy. While watching these movies I’ve realized that proper comedies, the timeless ones just aren’t happening. Will people reflect on movies like Knocked Up in 20 years from now the way that we remember any of these films? Probably not, that doesn’t’ stop some films from being INCREDIBLY inspiration in the last 25 years.

I’m presenting you with a list of 10 films (made since my birth) that have inspired me as a filmmaker/writer.

 

10) The Toxic Avenger – This is a bizarre pick to start off with. But both this movie and I were created in 1985. Toxic Avenger is what put renagade film-maker Lloyd Kaufman and his Independent film company Troma on the map. The movie taught me that you can make movies on your own terms. It’s not a great movie, but it’s fun and you can tell it’s been done as practically as possible.

9) Forgetting Sarah Marshall – This was one of the most well written films about break ups ever. It might still be a recent film but this is movie has single handedly influenced me to start writing a new script after a year of writer’s block.

8) Hot Rod – Andy Sanberg might be in the lime light now for the I’m On a Boat video, but before collaborating with T-Pain he was making this box office bomb with his friends. It’s one of the most ridiculous movies ever created but you cane tell that the members of Lonely Island don’t care, they just want to make themselves laugh and that’s why  its great. Think of yourself over your audience.

7) Labyrinth – I don’t know any child of the 80’s not influenced by this Jim Henson film. While watching this film one thing is clear, Jim Henson was a vision and he was going to make that vision a reality. That being said Jim Henson is my hero though, so this is slight bias.

6) Purple Rose of Cairo – Woody Allen’s love letter to cinema is also his best film. Anyone who’s a cinema-holic will be influenced by this film that mixes drama, comedy and fantasy into one brilliant film. It should be noted that Woody Allen is my favorite writer

5) The Monster Squad – I grew up with this film the way many people grew up with The Goonies. This was the movie that made me know that even at the age of 5, I wanted to make movies. It’s just a fun movie plain and simple.

4) Scream – This was the first horror movie I ever saw and it started my love affair with horror movies. As years have gone by I’ve learned that this is one of the most brilliant horror movies ever written. The more films I watch, the more that I love about it.

3) Wet Hot American Summer – The people who brought you the State created easily the greatest Anti-Comedy ever released. Most people watch it and just “don’t get it”. That’s almost exactly the point, there’s nothing to get, it’s simply a completely irreverent film. I feel the same way about this movie as I do with Hot Rod

2) Garden State – Zach Braff’s dramedy was the film that I watched multiple times while working on what I consider my first “REAL” screenplay. I remember when I watched thinking “this is exactly how I feel”.

1) Clerks – Kevin Smith’s film debut has shaped my script-writing more than any other film out there. It was real, I knew I had those conversations with my friends and more importantly, it screamed, ‘you can do this yourself’. I know for a fact I’m not alone in my love for this movie and it’s influence on me.

It's 2:40 am on April 21st. I've neglected writing and all round doing alot of things lately. I've really hit a funk and not in a good way like George Clinton Performing at my college kegger. No, lately I've been just sitting around the house depressed watching TV and listening to CDs my mom gave me on Easter.

I guess it goes back to six months ago when my life all started to crumble. As you know, the girlfriend left and I moved out of my parents house the same week. I got fired and graduated around the same week as well. Since Mid-December I've been unemployeed and at first it was really fun, but over the later months I've developed some serious cabin fever.

The worst part is the loneliness. I live with friends and hang out friends but that doesn't change the fact that I miss having a girlfriend. Sometimes I wonder if I'd take my ex back if she ever asked. I used to be so sure I'd say no, but now, I'm not so sure.

I've gone on what I think were dates, but I don't really know for sure. There's been a never ending list of women who have come and gone in as crushes and for me to sit here and list them that'd be ridiculous. But there were some key players in this evil game called love.

Many of you I'm sure remember Jessica Rabbit, well... She's back with her Ex. A Man I didn't like the first time around but after spending time with him at a party I fucking hate him. He's a huge douche'bag and I'll never understand why girls prefer dickheads over a nice guy.

Cuddlebitch was another important character (also known as flirty McCocktease) who has almost become like a little sister to me. I just hope she also develops better judgement.

Another one that was quite important was Make-Up girl, who I was very excited to hang out with only for her to not show up at the last second. New York girl I did get to hang out with for a day and we got along but it's useless to chase that goal since she moves to Louisana very shortly and finally there's Zoo girl. Zoo girl and I had little to nothing in common, so again there's nothing to say about this.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm too picky of a human being. Maybe I've set an unreasonably high standard or something. All I know is that last night I had a dream that my ex and I got back together and I was really happy in the dream. But I was more happy when I woke up and found out it was only a dream. Because as lonely as I am. I realized that I deserve to be treated better than I have been.

I understand my station in life, as annoying as that can sometimes be. I'm simply "the guy that every girl has a 'friend' for". Every girl I've ever encountered says the same time, "I have a fried that'd be perfect for you!" Ironically, I meet their friend who doesn't like me that way, but alas, they have a friend as well. And the cycle of rejection goes round and round, the circle of life moves us all and the wipers on the bus go Swish Swish Swish.

Tomorrow I'm suppose to meet Jessica Rabbit for lunch. I don't know what I'm going to say. It's going to take a lot for me to want to tell her she's making a mistake, but it's not my place.

Regardless, I can't sleep and I'm laying on my bed listening to a mix CD I made the same year my grandfather died, appropriately titled "Memory of Jack". I really miss him. I can't help but wonder if I'd be nearly as lonely if he was still around. Although I assume I wouldn't be this lonely if I had a job, or was at school as well. 

Whatever the case my be, having a sleep schedule that involves staying up til 5am every night is slightly unhealthy and I should probably consider changing that when i get a job again.

What a Wonderful World

The saddest day of my life was the day that I watched my grandfather get buried. After a year long battle with cancer, which he fought strongly, he lost the battle. My grandfather was and will always be, my best friend. There was no one else in my entire life that I loved and connected with as deeply as I did with my grandfather. He always did truly believe in me. The saddest thing was that when he became diagnosed with cancer, i disappeared. 

It as hard for me to cope with. I didn't want to see the man I loved more than anyone looking like a skeleton with skin. I didn't feel as bad because, he also didn't want me to see him that way. We communicated through letters I would write and give to my mom. After he read the letters he'd give my mom messages to give back to me.

When he died we did what you normally do by having a viewing and a funeral both which were too emotional (as well as spectacular) that words wouldn't do justice. I will say my grandfather knew how to go out with a bang, and this bang involved making sure there was a dixieland band playing up-beat songs like "When the Saints go Marching in."

For a kid who calls his grandfather his best friend, I was the type of best friend that you drop. Not only did I not see my grandfather on his last year of life, after the funeral I never once took the time to visit his grave.

Today, I met with a former teacher in Bryn Mawr to work on a script. I wasn't super familiar with the area so I relied on my GPS to get me home. The way it took me took me a way I wasn't very familiar with. I didn't know the road that I was on at all, until suddenly... I realized that I knew the road, infact my grandfather was buried on a graveyard on this very road. As I passed it I made a split second decision and parked my car in the parking lot. 

I walked around the graveyard aimlessly... I vaguely remembered where his grave was but, it had been almost 8 years since his passing. Suddenly I saw a flock of birds, it was going off on a whim but I walked towards the birds and they all flew away but I suppose you can guess the grave in which they were sitting at.

I would be lying if I said I didn't tear up while at the grave. I'd also be lying if I said that I was crying uncontrollably. I suppose that the tears could only be described as relief. For once I felt truly at peace with myself after 9 years of falling in and out of depression.

I know that this is quite the serious Dorktower, I promise I'll return with more sex and pop culture next week. 

20 Films That You've Never Seen But Should Have

I love to recommend movies to people. The highlight of my life was working at a video store and having my own "employee recommendation" section and getting to hear people appreciate (or hate) my recommendations. I decided to take this time to post a list of 20 movies that you should have seen by now.

1. Freaked – Freaked is the greatest cult movie that hasn’t quite found a cult yet. It came out in 1993 as a movie version of the short lived MTV Sketch-Comedy show Idiot box. After 20^th Century Fox saw the movie they claimed it was too weird for audiences and didn’t give it a wide release. The Film’s soundtrack is composed of Butthole Surfers and George Clinton and the special effects are impressive for how low-budget they are. If you can I highly recommened picking up the double-disc DVD that was FINALLY released by Anchor Bay
2. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang – Robert Downey Jr has clearly reinvented himself over the last few years but this was the first film in his long line of reinvention. This is also hands down his best performance. RDJ plays a petty thief who through mistaken identity gets cast in a movie. Once he is flown out to LA he meets Val Kilmer who is an outwardly gay dectective that his hired to drag Downey Jr around with him so he can see what real police work is like to prepare for the role. However when they witness an actual murder the shit (and comedy) hits the fan.
3. Dummy – Adrian Brody followed up the award winning The Pianist with this delightful, feel good indie comedy about a 30-year old single man who decides to follow his dreams of being a ventriloquist. When he quits his job to follow this dream no one seems to find it strange except his sister. The true star of the show is Brody’s punk rock best friend who has to do a full musical make over in order to get their first gig… a Jewish wedding.
4. Wet Hot American Summer – This is the ultimate anti-comedy. Few films have the guts to have crappy acting on purpose like the comedic brilliant minds of The State are able to pull off. Lovers of crappy 80’s camp films will find so many different things to love about this satire. It’s the last day of summer camp in 1985 and we witness 16 year old camp counslers (all played by 30 year olds) trying to find love and make their mark to be remembered forever. The film is mostly plotless and always hilarious and worth thousands of views because you’ll constantly see something new in each viewing.
5. Brick – Film Noir takes an interesting new turn into a high school setting. When Brendan is awoke by an ex-girlfriend’s caotic phone call he decided to help her. Sadly he’s a little two late when her body is found that morning. Brendan goes undercover to figure out who killed his ex, why and what does the underground drug ring have to do with it. This film is fast paced, entertaining and well crafted. Highly recommended to just about anyone.
6. Free Enterprise – I’m not a trekkie, like at all. But if you’re a giant fan of things sci-fi (star wars, star trek, logan’s run, etc) or just coming-of-age dialogue driven movies in the vein of Kevin Smith this is the movie for you. The film follows two wanna-be filmmakers who are about to turn 30. One guy is a crazy womenizer who fears turning 30 while the other has just lost his girlfriend due to his nerdy ways. Some people will hate this movie for it’s lack of story and slow pace while other will love it for it’s well crafted and enjoyable characters who literally feel and talk just like your own best friends
7. Eight Days a Week – This is one of the most unknown teen flicks out there and it’s awesome one of the best teen flicks out there. It follows a nerdy guy who happens to be in love with his next door neighbor. It’s summer time and in 3 short months they’ll be off to college so he decides to show his love in the only way he knows how. He sits outside her house all day and night until she admits that she loves him too. The dialogue is quick witted and the characters are likeable. The filme even manages to take something that should be a really creepy thing to do and make it extremely touching and sweet.
8. The Specials – Rob Lowe and Jamie Kennedy star in what is basically a R-rated version of Mystery Men. In most ways it’s a lot better than Mystery Men actually. The screenplay is written by James Gunn the writer of such hit films as Scooby-doo, Tromeo and Juliet and the Dawn of the Dead remake. The film follows a superhero team trying to keep up with the more powerful and well known superhero teams, but unlike Mystery Men where it’s trying to prove their greatness this one is about them trying to market and merchindise themselves as much as humanly possible
9. Wristcutters: A Love Story – A brilliantly dark film proposes a bizarre theory that the afterlife is just like real life except more boring. The Only way you end up in this afterlife is if you kill yourself. Our main character kills himself after his girlfriend leaves him and ends up in this strange alternative universe. However life get more exciting when he finds out his ex-girlfriend has taken her life and he tries to track her down in this strange twist of buddy/road comedies
10. Evil Alien Conquerors - One of the most ridiculous movies I've ever seen hands down. If you're a fan of off the wall comedy then this is the movie for you. The plot follows two aliens who have 48 hours to kill the entire human race. Instead of doing this however they fall in love with two women with unibrows and develop a drinking problem. Instead of enslaving the human race they basically just hang out with their new earth friends and discuss all the ways they could kill the earth race. This movie is very dumb and that's the point but it's in such a way that it's almost brilliantly dumb
11. Hoodwinked – I’m not at all surprised that no one saw this film when it was released but it’s really a shame they didn’t. Hoodwinked much like Shrek is a fairy tale world flipped on it’s head type movie except it’s done much better than Shrek and it’s sequels. The story is told in a Dragnet crime way where it takes a story we’re all familiar with (little red riding hood) and has it told to us from four different characters point of view. The best comparison is a children’s book I once read about “The three little pigs” from the perspective of the wolf. 
12. The Invisible – The Invisible was a finacial bomb in the theaters that was poorly (and wrongfully) advertised using what I can only assume were deleted scenes in the trailer. Regardless of false advertisement the movie is one of the most interesting takes on “ghost” films I’ve seen. The main character isn’t exactly dead or alive but in a ghostly limbo state in which he can not interact with anyone in the real world. Infact the only person who can see or hear him is the person responsible for his death and it’s up to her to find his missing body and get him to a hospital before his body expires and he’s dead for good.
13. Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky – I’m far from a Kung-fu fan but I love this movie and most people will tell you that Kung-fu never gets much gorier than this. Riki-Oh is a super-hero man falsely put in a corrupt prison. Riki-Oh takes it upon himself to destroy the corrupt prison from the ground up. If you ever wanted to see someone choke another person with their own intestines this is the film for you. The movie doesn’t make a whole lotta sense and the only entertainment is how off the wall the whole movie is. Only watch the poorly dubbed version though, that’s a warning.
14. Danielson: A Family Movie  - I used to be a big Jesus freak in high school. While I still have a strong faith I've kinda distance myself from church but there are still some Christian bands that I love from back in the day. One of the most interesting Christian bands was the Danielson Familie. They're easily the most bizarre band EVER regardless if they're Christian or not. This documentary has each member of the family (all siblings of lead singer/composer Daniel Smith) telling their side of everything. I've been lucky to see Danielson live at least 7 different times. Each time he's been a great live show. 
15. Hot Rod – I never expected in a million years that I would love this movie. When I first saw the trailer it got me to chuckle a little bit but I still was under the impression that the movie would be awful. Instead it turned out to be my favorite movie of 2007. The plot is very simple, Rod wants to do stunts in order to raise enough money to get his stepfather a heart transplant so that he can kick his ass in hand to hand combat. The absurdity between all the characters is the real appeal. Scenes like Rod falling down a hill start off funny, then it gets old and then as it continues you find yourself laughing again at how ridiculously long the scene is.
16. Playing Mona Lisa – This beautiful and inspiring romantic comedy follows a young girl and her group of friends. The story revolves around Claire, a talented pianist who stops playing piano after her boyfriend leaves her for another girl. Instead of practices and rehersals she parties it up with some of her  best friends, including a lonely video store clerk, a guy who’s on every drug known to man and a girl who’s secretly dating a married man. It’s up to her former teacher to put her back on the right track and make sure she doesn’t waste her talent.
17. DiG  - If you’re a band on tour there’s certain movies that they tell you that the whole band must watch at some point on the tour. The number 1 movie is This is Spinal Tap I’d like to take this time to say that number 2 should be the documentary DiG! DiG is a true story like nothing you’ve heard before. Two bands, both best friends, one band (The Dandy Warhols) gets a record contract while the other band (Brian Jonestown Massacre) has a lead singer Anton who has fucked up all their chances at stardom time and time again. The film shows Anton’s descent into an insane obsession threatening the Dandy’s at shows and sending them shotgun shells with their names carved into them as well as The Dandy’s struggle to beat the record company’s system of “singles”.
18. Scotland, PA – Andy Dick, Christopher Walken and William Shakespeare? Who would have thought a combination like that could be so amazing. WE all know the story of MacBeth, he wants the kingdom so him and his wife kill the King and take his place but are haunted by their guilt. Scotland, PA takes these characters and puts them in the mullet-rocking 70’s and the kingdom is now a fast food restaurant. Christopher walken shines as Lieutenant McDuff, which is not only one of his best roles, but easily his funniest. Delivering such great lines as “I like what you’ve done to the place, of course last time I was here there was a body in your deep fryer”
19. Popcorn – Popcorn is a movie that has it’s tongue firmly planted in cheek, and if you don’t believe me check out director Mark Herrier starred in the sexy comedies from the 80’s Porky’s and the writer Alan Ormsby wrote Porky’s 2: the Next Day. Popcorn is Wes Craven’s Scream before Scream was ever written. It follows a group of horror movie fans putting together an all night horror movie marathon, however they’re being haunted by a man who attempted to burn down that theater years  ago in his “cinemagraphic masterpiece” (which involved killing his family live on stage). The Death scenes are funny and bizarre but the true star of this film is the fake horror movies shown at the movie marathon (specifically Mosquito about; you guessed it; a giant mosquito)
20. Shock Treatment – Rocky Horror Picture Show is a ground-breaking musical and one of the biggest cult classics of all time. With a legion of faithful followers the films has truly stood the test of time. The sequel however, is not ground-breaking and fair from a cult classic. It is however, entertaining and full of catchy songs (such as my personal favorites “lullaby” and “Bitchin in the Kitchen”). The film also has a somewhat eerie foreshadowing of the dangers of Reality Television.

Just a Simple Rant to Push you away

            Do you ever notice that the more you think you understand something, the more wrong you actually are? It feels like I’ve spent the last few days not truly understanding my feelings and in the end it just keeps leaving me hurt. Ever since my girlfriend broke up with me in October I’ve gone through the strangest groupings of emotions. It’s good to know that I’m healing, at least in some ways… example, when she dumped me I couldn’t get an erection for months. Now however I’ve been spraying potent ional children onto my bedroom carpet two or three times a night.

            I suppose this blog has been a no holds barred collection of thoughts and opinions so far as well as an all access pass until my life. Originally this was just supposed to be for me to collect my ramblings but it’s quite more therapeutic then I expected. Since my break up there’s been a few potent ional relationships. If you’re a frequent reader than you’re more than familiar with “Jessica Rabbit” and “The Mom”. There has been at least 3 or 4 other girls that have danced into my life since October some only for a quick crush and others far longer lasting.

            I wouldn’t consider this so much a blog entry as a long rambling with a little bit of humor mixed in.

1)    Jessica Rabbit – What ever happened with Jessica Rabbit I’m sure you’re asking, well, we hang out sparingly and it looks like all things considered she’s going to get back together with her ex, who was a douche-bag. I’m not the type of guy who will fight against a girl’s decision even if I think it’s a terrible idea.

2)    The Mom – Here and I have hung out but there’s no chemistry there. The most we could ever have is a fuck buddy relationship, which is not the relationship I specifically want right now.

3)    Flirty McCocktease – I know Flirty because she works at the venue that I book at. She’s spent a few nights over the apartment playing video games but at the end of the day, I’m nothing to her, just a Cuddlebitch. For those of you who don’t know what a Cuddlebitch is, it’s when you’re with a girl who finds you so unappealing sexually that the only thing you’ll ever do is get to cuddle

4)    OkCupid Girl – I met OkCupid girl, surprisingly enough, on OkCupid. It seemed perfect, everything I wanted. But as always, things aren’t ever as good as they seem. It just fell apart because I have no women skills.

I don’t really like this entry very much so I’m keeping it short and leaving it as a simple rant.

You're the Best Around

            Last time you heard from me dedicated listener’s I roughly touched on a party I was at. If you recall it was the party in which my ex sent me a picture text the day before Valentine’s Day and almost ruined my holiday. Thankfully she didn’t, but this isn’t about her. I’ve decided love and sex enough; it’s time for me to move back to what I love talking about. Pop Culture.

 

            While at this party in which the text was received I was sitting on the couch with various individuals. Being that I was the only sober person at this entire party it’s quite possible that I’m the only person to recall this conversation but that’s not an important detail. The discussion we had was about “great’ vs. “best”.

 

            Is there really a difference? I strongly believe that there in fact is a distinct different between the two. This conversation was triggered by me stating that ALL was a better band than the Descendents. Everyone seemed to think I was talking crazy talk when I stated this but people are clearly getting a band’s “greatness” confused for musical quality. While Descendents are extremely influential to the punk music scene, musically they don’t hold a candle to ALL. For those of you who aren’t familiar with these bands, The Descendents is a punk/hardcore band from the late 80’s (however they’re still around today); ALL was a side project of all the members except the lead singer. ALL was a much catchier and a far more marketable punk band that also managed to do something that few bands can do which was hold on tightly to their punk ethics. As much as I love Green Day and Blink 182 they weren’t able to do this… Rancid was.

 

            This theory doesn’t end in the realm of punk music. To make a drastic example… The Beatles are not a better band than Queen. While a lot of people will scream Blasphemy at me, there’s probably an equal amount of people who will agree with me. You see, without fail the Beatles are the most important band in music history. Their music is classic and their influence is forever stretching. In fact I would say that you can pick out any hit single by the Beatles and that song alone will be better than any song your favorite band has ever written. The Beatles are the Neil Armstrong of rock Music. That being said, anyone who picks up a guitar can play the entire Beatles Catalogue in less than a month. Their music is simplistic and in many cases, dare I say it, boring. Queen however wasn’t a revolutionary band, they just took something that was already there and built a whole new foundation off of it.

           

            Anyone can sing a song and sound like Paul or John or George or Ringo (but who would want to?) but nobody can sing like Freddy Mercury. Anyone can play the guitar lead on In My Life, not everyone can play the lead in Killer Queen. I’m not saying that Queen is a collection of the greatest musicians ever (that would be Primus or Anathallo) but their individual pieces made catchy, marketable pop songs that are timeless.

 

            Even the greatest band to come out of the 90’s grunge sound Weezer creates this paradox. Everyone is so quick to say that Pinkerton is their greatest album, and they’d be correct. Pinkerton is the greatest album Weezer has ever recorded, but it’s not their best. Their best album is their self-titled album from 1994 (now just known as the Blue Album). The reason once again, it’s fun and catchy. Pinkerton does some amazing things, but the first half of that album doesn’t have great re-listen ability, not like the Blue Album which is so timeless that 15 years after its’ release, I can still listen to it from start to finish and sing along with every song. This argument led to one of the people at the party stating that I was completely wrong because “the green album was both their greatest and best album ever.” I suppose it’s okay for me to say that this particular person was baked out of his mind thus making his opinion completely moot.

 

            Perhaps I’m the anti-hipster because to me there is nothing wrong with having a good catchy pop song, NOTHING. I am the proud owner of *Nsync, Hanson and Lou Bega CDs and not in that ironic “it’s so bad that it’s good way.” The fact is that those musicians all made money making songs far catchier than what I can ever write. They knew what they were doing; they did a great job at doing what they set out to do and made great music as a result. I find nothing wrong with that. I find bands like Nickelback making crap and pretending that it’s not crap far more offensive.

 

I have nothing wrong with bands like Radiohead being able to make money making the most unmarketable stuff ever but their few and far between, if you go out of your way to make your music un-marketable your simply signing yourself off to be just a foot-note in music history. This is why out of hundred’s of 80’s hardcore bands the general public only knows (if you’re lucky) Minor Threat, Bad Brains and Black Flag. But I suppose that’s PUNK RAWK!

 

I hate punk rawk. I love punk, but I hate punk rawk. And not because the purposeful misspelling (although it doesn’t help), but I hate this idea that if you’re a marketable punk band then you’ve lost your punk ethics. Meanwhile the godfathers of punk (the Ramones) never wanted anything more to be back on the radio. There’s no bigger headache than the “what started punk rock” question.

 

People say Sex Pistols, but that band got formed because they were fans of The Ramones, but if you look at the Ramones they weren’t doing anything more than going back to the 1950’s style rock and roll. So based on that was Chuck Berry, Jerry Lee Lewis, Little Richard and Bill Haley Punk Rawk? I’d like to think so to be honest. At the same time, if you want to discuss punk being a “movement” of Anarchy inside the system (Anarchy in the UK) then I want to be the first to claim that the Marx Brothers were the first group of “punk rawkers” (seriously, rent Duck Soup, it’s Anarchy on Film).

 

But let’s say that Punk Rawk IS an unmarketable sound, then perhaps it was Thelonious Monk and all other free jazz musicians who started this musical movement years before Johnny Rotten or Joey Ramone were even born. Now this raises an even more interesting question because if we go back to the Chuck Berry is the granddaddy of punk theory then we have something going here. 50’s rock is an extension of country mixed with Rhythm and Blues, which itself is an extension of Jazz. Without Jazz, we couldn’t have rock, which means we couldn’t have punk, which gave us grunge, which gave us Weezer. We wouldn’t have had Jazz if it weren’t for slavery (so I suppose one good thing came from that) so Jazz came out of Africa, which makes me even more curious why there are, so few Black Punk Groups.

 

Perhaps that’s why Bad Brains is the greatest punk group of all time, but The Ramones will forever be the best

The Enjoyment Of Unemployment

            Now you might not be aware of this since the newspapers haven’t really been covering it but the economy is in shambles. Even me, fresh out of college with a relatively useless degree is having trouble finding a job in this society. I’ve been paying rent and affording food through my graduation money and series of random odd jobs. But alas I spend most of my free time sitting on the couch in my apartment watching That 70’s Show reruns on FX. Basically what I’m trying to say is that Unemployment is fucking AWESOME!

            Honestly, if I could find a way to get paid a full time salary to simply BE unemployed I’d take that job in a second. And honestly, I never realized it before but That 70’s Show is an absolutely brilliant TV sitcom. It’s brilliant in the all-round generic ness of it all.  Every character is just like any other character you’ve seen on television. But who can’t relate to the life of Eric Forman? While watching reruns (all from season 7) I couldn’t help but feel like I was looking at a mirror when Eric Forman discusses the advantages of not working for a year because he has the time to slip and slide all day long and catch butterflies. Granted, I’m not really leaving my house (or even getting showered and changed) but there is some bizarro-world lines being drawn between me in my unemployment watching Eric in his unemployment.

            The biggest problem with That 70’s Show (besides the failed sitcom spin off That 80’s Show) is the laugh track. But I’ve learned to deal with it. It makes sense in the way the show is shoot and such, what doesn’t make sense to me is the laugh track on one of my new favorite shows How I met Your Mother. The show has a very non-linear story-telling aspect and it has legitimately funny jokes and storylines. I don’t understand why a laugh track is necessary. Neil Patrick Harris’ performance of Barney might be tied with Charlie in Always Sunny in Philadelphia for the best sitcom character in this post-Seinfeld world. But what really drew me into How I Met Your Mother is the always beautiful, can-take-home-to-mom Alyson Hannigan.

            Alyson Hannigan made me really start to think about the fact that there is a difference between “celebrities I want to fuck” and “celebrities I want take home to momma.” I think it’s extremely healthy for any couple to sit down make a list of celebrities that ‘if given the chance to have a one night stand, they could and it wouldn’t be considered cheating’. Legally this list can’t have more than like… five names. There’s only one celebrity that is on both my lists… Christina Ricci. I’ve had a crush on her ever since I first saw Casper (is it creepy that I only saw it last year?).

            I suppose it’s important that I clarify something. I use the word celebrity very roughly. Christina Ricci is the only celebrity that I want to “bring home to momma” as my roommate Jeff pointed out, all other celebrities that you’d want to marry… you’re simply in love with a character that they play but you want to fuck the actress that plays them. I’ve literally loved every character I’ve seen Christina Ricci play (I even love her in Anything else which is one of woody Allen’s worst movies and her character is a total bitch the whole movie) except Black Snake Moan where she’s a little too skanky for my taste.

            I’m going to post both lists but you’ll notice a lacking of Christina Ricci, just assume she’s number one on both lists and that my number 5 is simply an honorable mention (celebrity I want to jerk it to & celebrity I want to jerk it to in front of momma).

            CELEBRITIES I WANT TO FUCK:

1. Emmanuelle Chriqui

2. Elisha Cuthbert

3. Eliza Dushku

4. Mandy Moore

5. Julia Stiles

 

             CELEBRITIES I WANT TO TAKE HOME TO MOMMA

1. Alyson Hannigan – Lily Aldrin on How I Met Your Mother

2. Larisa Oleynik – Wendy in 100 Girls (Granted, she’s gay in this)

3. Natalie Portman – Sam in Garden State

4. Drew Barrymore – Julia in Wedding Singer

5. Mena Suvari – Dora Diamond in Loser

  I’d also like to point out that my #5 on the Celebrities I want to take home to momma was a tough call between Mena Suvari and Amanda Detmer as Sandy in Saving Silverman but I might just want to fuck a nun.

            Perhaps it’s lists like this that maybe the reason that my roommate and I are spending our valentine’s day watching Family Feud Reruns on Game show network all day.  In all actuality this might be the worst Valentine’s Day in my recorded history.

Last night while I was attending a party that was literally like every party you’ve ever seen in any movie I received a text from my ex-girlfriend. She hasn’t felt a need to text me since Christmas but alas she wanted to send me a picture of Harold and Maude (which despite being about an 80 year old women fucking a 20 year old kid, I still consider it my favorite romantic comedy) with the message “this made me think of you.” That certainly depressed me a little bit but at least I’m smart enough to not text her back.

I found these two identical twins from Texas on facebook this morning. I’d had a crush on these twins for a long time. Ever since I met them in high school, infact I called them the Texas twins.  Turns out they’re both engaged, also three more of my friends got engaged in the last 24 hours, so that was just some more reminders that I’m single and alone but the true cherry on the crap-cake was when I walked to the bathroom and heard my roommate getting his valentine’s day gift from his girlfriend.

At least, I hope that’s what they were doing. All I heard was “Pull my hair, oh yeah” and then I tried to block it out while a urinated. I couldn’t help but think, if I can hear them while I’m peeing… then can they hear me?

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that someone should buy me That 70’s Show seasons 3-8 on DVD for Valentine’s Day.

Blink 18Who?

So perhaps I’m simply turning into a 13-year-old girl but it’s looking like 2009 is going to be a whole lot like building a musical time machine that’s taking us back to 1998-1999.

It was already announced the No Doubt was having a reunion show (which as long as Gwen doesn’t Diva out and they don’t play anything post-Return to Saturn). In other news Get Up Kids are planning a summer tour for the 10-year anniversary release of Something to write Home About

Oh, and apparently some band called Blink 182 is recording a new album.

For those of you who don’t understand why this is big news let me explain something. Perhaps this is my shortcoming but I really don’t care about the No Doubt reunion, and even Get Up Kids I can take it or leave it. Granted I think Something to write home about is the greatest pop punk album of all time, everything else by Get Up Kids seems just… meh.

Blink however, is the band of MY childhood as well as thousands of other kids. I don’t think there is a punk/pop punk/powerpop/emo band out there working today that hasn’t been influenced by the songs that appeared on Dude Ranch, Enema of the State, and Take your Pants off and Jacket.

A lot of people feel like Blink ended on a sour note musically. Granted while their self-titled album is no-ones favorite Blink CD, it’s still better than anything that 75% of the punk bands of today have been spewing out.

A blink 182 reunion gives me some bizarre form of hope. Granted, I think a lot of people are doubting that Tom can keep his ego in check long enough to not become super controlling. Either way, between this and the new Green Day album in May, I feel like I’m high school all over again. Except you know this time I won’t spend my time getting my ass kicked (well as much).

Perhaps this is a little insensitive but I’m almost glad that Travis Barker almost died now. (and I just signed my ticket to hell)

I had to say I love you in my blog

The internet is a really funny place. I’m not sure how it’s possible that there is something so big and yet so illogical. Granted every person with a blog is hoping to speak to the masses, we all want to be like Christian Slater in Pump Up The Volume. But sadly most of us (myself included) will never reach an audience larger than 8 people and maybe a few of our myspace friends. I wish that I could say that the main reason most of these people won’t be heard of by anyone outside their top eight is because they are the only people who think that they’re a good writer (i.e. me) but actually there’s plenty of people out there who are talented writers whose voice will always be over shadowed by a kid wearing eyeliner, hiding under a blanket begging us to leave Britney alone.

The last three months of the year 2008 were epic at best. In the beginning of October I moved out of my parent’s house and moved into my friend’s apartment. The following week I turned 23. Four days later I got dumped by the first girlfriend that I could truly consider a “serious relationship”. The following day she had a new boyfriend. The next week I met the girl of my dreams at a Halloween party (I was a ‘work in progress’ and she was ‘Jessica Rabbit’). A few weeks later I was in a car accident that killed my Buick LaSabre the faithful car of mine since 2003. I got a new car and in the last week I’ve managed to (a)meet a mom that I am sort of/kind of dating, (b)send a really pathetic email to “the ex”, (c)graduate college and (d)find out that come January 1^st I will be unemployed.

Perhaps it’s all these things that lead to the fact that it’s 2:40am on December 25, 2008 and I’m laying on an inflatable bed in my family’s basement (which is also my brothers bedroom, which became his bedroom when I moved out which means that chances are this is the exact same place I was this time last year). I remember being a kid and not being about to sleep a wink on Christmas Eve. Eventually I would fall asleep only to wake up early. I recall that every year I’d wake up around 3 in the morning and I’d walk downstairs and look at the gifts under the tree and size up my gifts vs the rest of my siblings. I’d turn on the TV and watch some Christmas special and try to guess what the different CDs and DVDs would be and then go back to bed and try to do anything to make the time fly by (normally I’d end up reading a Garfield comic). Around 5am I’d wake up my siblings and convince them (literally we’d be in my bedroom discussing plans of attack) that we need to wake up mom and dad and open our presents ASAP.

Last year however, I feel asleep almost immediately and had to be forcibly woken up by my entire family in the morning. I always assumed that meant that the Christmas spirit had finally, after 22 years, been lost on me. But alas here I am, now 2:45 am, sitting on my laptop listening to my brother snore. The Nick at Nite Family Matters/Home Improvement reruns didn’t make more sleepy, nor did reading Chuck Klosterman’s Killing Yourself to Live. But the weird thing is that, I’m not “awake” out of excitement of opening gifts. I’m awake because I’m terrified of 2009.

I’ve always been one to scare easily. Infact I spent most of late-November and early-December convinced that I was going to fail chemistry and not graduate despite telling my whole family tree that I was going to be “the first person in my family tree to get a college degree” on December 19^th. But right now I’m thinking about things like, when I get laid off will I find a job soon? Will I be able to afford rent AND continue to get my Netflix? (man, I really need to get my priorities in check) Will  the Ex reply to my stupid email? Will she be angry at the email and just make me more depressed? Why does Jessica Rabbit seem to be more interested this Jerk she brought to the 80’s party instead of me? (That’s a story for a different day) Should I date this mom? (for the record she’s 26, it’s not like I’m dating someone who could have been my mom).

The most aggravating thing though is that all these things are distracting me from the things that SHOULD be keeping me awake. Things like… Did my mom buy me Wall*E on DVD? Will Grandma like the Candle I got her? Did I just hear a “clatter” on the roof? What exactly is a clatter anyway?

I’ve never been a person who understood relationships, or dating, or women, or sex or how any of those things work when connected together. The girlfriend who recently dumped had dated me for roughly a year (there was some on and off periods here and there) which means my relationship with her is almost as long as all my other relationships combined. What’s so confusing about the ending of this relationship was how out of the blue it was while at the exact same time was completely foreseeable. I won’t lie and say that everything between this person and I was perfect. But I wouldn’t have ever called it unhappy. Even then, the break-up wasn’t after a fight, or even a bad/awkward weekend. All things considered my birthday weekend was the best birthday weekend I’ve had to date. Too bad it’s now tainted with a underlying feeling of failure.

What is it about me that makes me automatically assume the position of “blame”? I didn’t do the dumping. In fact while being dumped it was made abondently clear throughout the whole “break up speech” that I was a good boyfriend and didn’t do anything wrong. I just wasn’t ‘the guy for her’. Which now I know means that she had already met the right ‘guy for her’ so she felt safe letting me go.

Everyone handles a break up differently I think. Some people can go right on with their life with no feelings of remorse (they’re normally the dumpers) meanwhile others (aka the dumpees) can spend months to years trying to figure out what they did wrong and eventually they just decide that it’s easier to blame the other person and move on. I don’t know where I and my ex fit in. But I do know the following things.

1.     My ex desperately wanted us to stay friends

2.     As far as I can tell, my ex still doesn’t think she did anything wrong

3.     It’s very well possible that she didn’t do anything wrong

4.     I hope she’s happy (and not in a sarcastic way at all)

It’s Part 4 that really gets me the most. Why is it that I say this after someone has torn out my heart and I don’t mean it in any “ironic” way? I refuse to believe that I’m the only person who feels like this? There isn’t a question in my mind that I loved this ex-girlfriend. I won’t say that she’s the only person I’ll ever love because that’s almost certainly not true at all. I can say that I was happy, even when I was un-happy, I was still happy. This ex girlfriend was a lot younger than I was and I was dealt a fair share of mockery and ridicule for it. But I loved her so much that it didn’t bother me. I suppose she felt differently.

The funny thing is that, when a relationship ends in the awkward way that mine did. It’s hard to really put together thoughts about how you feel. Instead it all just comes together in a series of memories. I’ve started to realize that relationships can destroy everything you hold dear.

After the break up, there were a handful of movies and TV shows (Rocky Horror Picture show, Scrubs) that held some form of significance between this person and I that has still to this day made it very difficult for me to watch and not think of her. Even more aggravating is the hundreds of songs that have been destroyed by her.

I’m a big mixtape guy. I love making mix-tapes. I think it’s safe to say that I’ve at one time or another made a mix tape (well… CD) for anyone who I met and liked enough to hang out with a second time. If you’re a girl and I like you, you can expect Mix tapes on a monthly basis, almost like if you signed up for one of those Columbia record things (12 CDs for a penny). I can catergorically say that my ex has received more mixes from me than any other girl.

This raises an interesting question. As stated earlier I’m sort of dating a mom, but I’m also just short of being completely in love with “Jessica Rabbit” who seems to enjoy dating anyone who’s NOT me. Now my fate (if there is one) with either one of these girls is still undertermed, is it possible to ever use any of the songs from the Ex on mixes for these girls? That almost feels like cheating. I makes me feel like I’m Elijah Wood in Eternal Sunshine desperately copying Jim Carrey to hopefully see if whatever worked once will work again.

At the same time, if one of these girls in my not to distant future makes me “pretend that I’m kissing the lips that I’m missing” why shouldn’t I put All my lovin’ on a mix? If that make me feel swear that “Today was the first day of my life” then why can’t Bright Eyes explain that to them? Why can’t Jason Mraz tell another girl that I’m theirs?

At the same time what exactly do I know about relationships? I mean, I still find the first three American Pie Movies to be the most romantic teen flicks ever penned. For those of you who have forgotten these are the movies that involve fucking a pie, eating dog shit and among other things gluing your hand to your dick.

Is there a point to this? I suppose if this were to be a book this could be the first chapter. In my mind though it works better as a prolouge. It kind of sets the mood for the randomness that is my life. The things that lack importance that I still decide are significant to focus on. If this were a book though, it’d be one boring collection of stories that no one really cares about in the first place. I guess this all steams from the fact that I once said that the only reason I want one of my scripts to be made into a movie is to get a commentary track. Somehow I’ve been put under the impression that people care about what I think and want to listen to my nonsensical ramblings, stories and opinions. In the end I guess this is all just one giant random experiment.