I am in Love. But I am in Love with the Idea of Love. This is a long time problem of mine. I think I've fascinated about being in a relationship with someone as far back is 2nd grade. It wasn't so much about sex or kisses... it was just about having a girlfriend. Despite all of this, I've only had 3 official girlfriends, a small amount of sexual partners and the combined amount of relationship time totals to roughly a year and a half out of 25 years. My point being, I spend more time thinking about love than actually being in love and subsequently making love.
Since I "announced" my plans to move from East Coast to West Coast it's caused me to reflect quite a bit on my life and relationships. I've also noticed it makes people climb out of the woodwork to "confess secret love" relatively frequently. This has lead me to realizing that I've been cockblocking myself for 25 years through 3 major problems.
1. I have very little self esteem. This is normally a deal breaker, but you can get away with it if you're smooth. I'm not. Turns out self-deprciating humor and openly discussing your lack of self esteem doesn't exactly make panties wet. In fact, doing just that makes panties turn into the Sahara Desert.
2. Almost more of a footnote of #1 but... I don't make any moves. Like Ever! In fact the closest thing to a move that I have is the arm around a girl. Turns out that's rarely enough... it's a start but you gotta have the confidence to make that real first move, aka the kiss. To use a term from Geekscape I never seem to Cup the Puss. Recently a friend of mine told me that she used to have a crush on me back in college. She's engaged, I'm leaving in 2 months, so there is nothing to develop from this statement/information. What upset me the most was this... she'd had a crush on me for something like 6 years, I had a crush for the same amount time but I never had the balls to make a move. How socially retarded am I to "subtle hints" that i should make the first move? Here's an example: One day while I was working at MAB paint. This girl walked in out of the blue just before close. She wanted to know if I had plans that night, I did not. So we decided to hang out, I change into my normal clothes and we go to Giant and she buys a bunch of random ingredients and makes me a Chicken Alfredo Pasta (my favorite meal), then we watch Pootie-Tang and she started cuddling with me on the couch. Any person with an ounce of sense and little self respect would have gotten the hint, I was clueless. But I've learned from my mistakes. Next time a girl makes me food and puts on a Chris Rock movie... I HAVE TO FUCK THEM!
3. I take bros before hoes way too seriously. I believe in bro before hoes for the most part. If your best friend just had their heart destroyed by a girl; that girl is off limits between you and any of his other close friends. My problem is that I extended this rule to "anyone I know on a somewhat personal level" and it didn't just go with ex's but also "crushes, friends and relatives". As you can already see... this literally cuts off almost every girl that you meet. I'd say 9/10 of my female friends I know because they were (a) dating a friend, (b) Related to a friend or (c) a Friend of a friend. Of my 3 girlfriends only one of these wasn't the case.
LA I shall hopefully learn from the mistakes of a relationship-retarded 18-23 year old east-coaster and be a mildly smooth 25 year old West Coaster. At one point I considered supply a list of past crushes and relationships, but I mean... it seems like I already made this entry totally boring as is. Perhaps for a blog entry for another day.
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Self-deprecating humor can take you a long way, but it should only be used to cover a few specific areas that you aren't confident in (which we all have)....you need OVERALL confidence to make it. And if you don't, act like you do, until you do! Seriously...it works.
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