Today I sprung out of my bed with a mix of emotions. The emotions were summed with one sentence "holy shit I'm moving to California in 60 days."
I can already tell the next 2 months are going to be intense and stressful. There's only a handful things that make me want to stay in PA which could basically just be summed up with Friends, Family and Nostalgia. Regardless, I still wake up terrified.
In 60 days I'm going move 3,000 miles away from everyone I've ever cared about. I worry that some of them I may never see again. People die, people move, people just disappear sometimes. I can't think of how many friends of mine I haven't spoken to in years; some of them I haven't a clue where they are now.
in 2004 I made the "memory tape" for my graduating class, currently I only consider 2 of that entire class of 200+ 'good friends' and only one of those two do I see on a semi-regular basis. Even my college friends are starting to thin out. My friend Jackie moved to Baltimore almost 4 years ago, Last year our friend Crystal moved to Japan, now I'm looking at LA and another friend may be moving around the same time.
To quote lyrical genius' Blink 182 - I guess this is growing up.
I guess what I fear most is that I'll move and no one will even notice. I know this sentence sounds like any emo kid in Jr. High, but what i mean is this... a few paragraphs ago I mentioned friends of mine who I haven't spoken to in years... I so rarely think of those people. I pick on my friend jackie and say "out of state, out of mind"... but it's sort of true. Who cares about someone you will never EVER see again in person?
I have a lot of friends who I know will write, call, facebook chat, etc while I'm gone. And that's awesome, but what sucks is that the people who I feel closed with, well... they probably won't. Some of them probably won't even acknowledge that I'm leaving and possibly won't say goodbye. I mean they'll say goodbye but they'll say it the same way you goodbye when you're leaving a restaurant and expect to see each other the following week.
Hmmmm.... this entry has really lacked the humor I tend to like in my blog and instead been a very Me Me Me centric whining. I'll lighten it up with a joke. I went to the bar the other day and there was a pirate there with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants, I said YO PIRATE, What's up with the steering wheel!? and he responded 'I don't know but it's drivin' me nuts'
I guess at the end of the day I don't need a depressing video of photos and videos of me and my friends sent to songs like "Saying Goodbye" from Muppets Take Manhattan and "Time After Time" (the super depressing Eva Cassidy version)... I just need to have someone I love and care about tell me that they'll sincerely miss me. I think we so easily mask things that make us upset or uncomfortable (like a friend leaving) that instead of accepting that we may never see that person again; we just try to ignore it... but we don't think about how it hurts that person.
When my friend Crystal move to Japan, I hardly did anything to show her how upset I was about her moving. I just couldn't think of a way to show how upsetting it was that there was a really really good chance I'd never see her in person again. and I still haven't, except I suppose for this entry in my blog which she may never read.
Memory tapes, good bye messages, postcards, letters, sad songs, photo albums. We're always trying to make sure that we capture those important moments that sometimes we forget the most important thing is just living for the moment. I just hope that I'm choosing the right moments and living them to their fullest.
"I never really said this; it's just something someone will quote on facebook and twitter and attribute to me" - Malcolm X