I am currently reading One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey. I've owned this book for roughly four years but never read it. I bought it at a random yard sale my friend Dylan and I passed by while walking around Media. Why did I post that particular quote? I cant' 100% say. As I read this book, I came to that passage... the only passage that was highlighted. It does however seem quite suitable. I was going to write about my favorite moment of each day... is that point where you're half awake/half asleep. You know you can get up but you force yourself to finish your dream and stay asleep. At that point the dream isn't a "reality" to you anymore, but it's more like a movie playing before you in front of your minds eye. It's that world you wished you lived in sometimes, other times it's a world of horror.
My dreams have never made much sense to me. But i felt like perhaps I'd write a little bit about the dreams I have had in my past. My most recent dreams have been... well... strange to say the least. Here's my favorite most recent dreams:
1) I dreamt a few days ago that the back of my head for some unexplainable reason grew a mouth and eyes. Whenever I spoke, the mouth on the back of my head would move too. That dream freaked me out so much that when I woke up... I literally rubbed the back of my head to make sure there was no face
2) I also recently dreamt I was about to win a spelling bee... but it got interrupted when The Blob came and attacked. I was forced to fight the blob and save the town... no complaints about that dream, it kicked ass.
There's two types of dreams that have been re-occurring and I'm sure when I finally have a nervous breakdown and see a therapist they'll explain to me the deeper means to these:
1) the current reoccurring dreams always involve my teeth falling out... that's just weird
2) Ever since my sophmore year of high school, I've had dreams where I'll be at random locations (School, family party, the mall, a party at a friends house, etc). The location is always some place with high traffic. And in all these dreams, I'm always laying on the ground with my eyes closed. I hear people say how I'm "asleep" and then they have conversations. The entire dream is just me listening in on their conversations. I (not so) shamefully most admit that since roughly my freshmen year of college... I have actually done this very tactic at parties where I felt out of place.
There's one more dream that I think should be mentioned. This dream makes no sense to me. As far as I know, there is no deeper meaning to it. But it is the scariest dream I think I've ever had. In retrospect... it's not scary. But I had this dream probably when I was only 5/6 years old but to this day I still distinctly remember it. This dream made me afraid to go to bed for DAYS after having it. This build up is simply to make you really let down (and maybe laugh) when you read how kinda lame the dream is.
I was 5 or 6 years old. I was standing in an alley with Peter Venkman from Ghostbusters. Suddenly Slimer came out and flew at Peter (much like in the first movie) except this time... he didn't slime Peter... he snapped him in half. As if that sight of a man being snapped down the middle wasn't frightening enough... he wasn't dead. Both halves worked and acted perfectly fine. Peter was complaining about how much it hurt but not in a screaming way, in a monotone, almost sarcastic way. Meanwhile the legs where just sorta walking around. I remember eventually he got up and started crawling towards me and that's when I woke up screaming.
I think dreams are such an interesting thing. They always make me wonder about my own decisions and wants. I think everyone has suffered from what I call post-dream depression or "the puppy wasn't real" syndrome. When I was younger I had at least 2 dreams where my family had gotten a new adorable puppy. The dreams were so vivid that when I woke up... I was depressed the dog in fact didn't exist. One of the times, i literally believed the dog did exist for the first few minutes of being awake and the depression hit in a sudden wave.
What I really don't understand however is the love in my dreams. I very rarely have sex dreams or "wet dreams". In fact the amount of "shit, gotta change my sheets" moments in my 24+ years of existence could be counted on a single hand. It seems as if I tend to cock block myself, even in the realm of dreams. The most recent was a dream in which Sarah Silverman kept throwing herself all over me, but I told her I "couldn't do that to Jimmy (kimmel)". The weirdest part of this is that I'm not really a Jimmy Kimmel fan. Don't watch his show, or movies or anything. I don't hate the guy but I mean, his ex-girlfriend wanting to bang me should have NO barring on me taking up the offer.
Frequent readers of my blogs, or even people unfortunate enough to have given me their screen name and thus get Emo-y IMs from me, know that I don't have what I would consider "a luck filled love life." There's currently someone in my life who I'm very, very much in love with me. This can hardly be called news. I can own up to being "in love" with at least... 4 different girls in the last 3 years. I still stand by my feelings of love towards those women. There's something very different about this particular girl though. I like (love) her, from the best I can tell she however simply enjoys my company. This isn't really particularly different than the previous "loves". Also unlike the previous "loves" there are countless moments where I second guess her feelings towards me and think that maybe... just maybe... she loves me in return. But I write it off as wishful thinking and move on with my life.
However, normally, my friends and family members who meet the past girls... tend to echo my thoughts "it's just wishful thinking Matt" they'll say. However with this new girl... everyone sees the same thing that i see. They see "A perfect couple" or "someone who clearly is in love with me"... I cried a little when my sister texted me recently saying "I hope you too end up together. You're so cute together and you seem so much happier when you're around her". It almost seems like the only person who DOESN'T agree to these opinions would be the girl in question... and I'm fairly certain she tends to get last say on her relationship status.
This girl. This person who I "love". Has never, ever made a cameo in any dreaming. Not once as far as I can recall. Not in a sexual way, not in a friendly side-kick way... not even in the background of an extra to the best of my knowledge. I spent most of my day at work thinking about her and her moving and how there's so much I wish I could say but it wouldn't change anything. I've written a rough draft of a screen play about this person, mentally made a mix CD for when she leaves in a few months... but yet... at night when I go to bed and can go into a whatever world I want to be in... she is never there.
I'm not a deep person, I'm not subtle, I'm not even very smart. But I really wish that I could understand why I feel like any of this matters. I am fairly certain this girl is going to move away, and our friendship will suffer and end. Not on bad terms... but strictly a distance issue. And strictly because, I can't help but feel like I'm a very interchangable and replaceable person in her life that will easily be forgotten. I'll however never forget her. And at the end of the day, that's my biggest problem.