Sex, Porn, Addiction and Murder: The Last Nail in my Coffin

Before reading this it should be noted that if you are a relative or family member that it might be a good idea to skip this particular blog entry.

Recently (today) I made a very weird DVD purchase. While I was in the Best Buy my eyes ventured toward a DVD called American Serial Killers: Portraits of Evil. I’ve always had a very bizarre interest in Serial Killers, a fascination that apparently only Chuck Klosterman and John Waters can relate to. There’s something about how evil someone must be to not just kill another human being, but further do the things involved in these cases such as eating people, making soup bowls of skulls or having sex with corpses. When I purchased this DVD my friend Graham made a statement “Good purchase, it’s sure to put that final nail in the never getting laid coffin”. Well Graham, if that wasn’t true with that DVD purchase… this blog entry is sure to put the nail in there.

In retrospective this DVD I purchased will be in my collection forever. And since I alphabetize my DVD collection it’s safe to say this DVD will always be on the first 2 shelves. No matter what I do, any time I meet someone, this will be one of the first DVDs that they see and I’ll most likely lie and say that I bought it as a conversation starter and if they read my blog than they will immediately call me out and force me to explain my purchase. In the show How I Met Your Mother Neil Patrick Harris’ character Barney Stinson wanted to make his house completely uninviting to women and thus proudly displayed his porno collection. I can’t help but wonder if that would seem less weird to people than having a DVD chronicling the worst examples of humankind. Ironically sex is typically associated with both.

What if I started displaying porn (if I owned any) proudly? Why should that be a problem? What man doesn’t watch porn? God knows that I watch it. I’d hardly call myself an addict. I don’t need to watch it every day, I’ve even gone multiple weeks without it, a fact that has shocked many of my male friends. I think that porn is a wonderful thing actually. It gives you a chance to see things that you probably would NEVER do if you had a chance. I, for example, end up watching a girl getting double teamed because well, I’d never ever want to have sex with someone while another guy is there (even if he’s in on the action). To Steal a joke from Mike Birbiglia (because I 100% agree with him) “I know when I’m done having sex my first thought is ‘thank god, no one else saw that’”. I’d also never have a three-way with two girls because I refuse to disappoint two women at once.

I don’t understand the addiction to porn. But I really don’t understand the notion that having an addiction to porn is necessarily a bad thing. I mean I’m not saying it’s a good thing because an addiction to anything is bad, but we all have addictions. I’m addicted to collecting crap like DVDs, CDs, Books and Comic Books that help make me look like a pretencious geek. But what is the harm in someone wanting to look at two people fuck so he can give himself some loving? He’s not hurting anyone. He could be out there acting like one of the people in my American Serial Killers DVD but he’s not. And one could argue that he’d actually get laid more, I mean John Wayne Gacy, Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer got lots sex out of it. I’d put Ed Gein on here but I don’t think fucking a corpse counts has having sex, does it?

Is there any point to this blog? Well the answer is, is there ever really? The answer to that is, of course not. If there’s nothing else it all comes down to the original statement by Graham, this has been the last nail in my coffin.

What I've heard past & present

Top 10 Albums of 2009

10. Bishop Allen: Grrrr - This is admittedly not their best album. I didn't like the album when I first heard it, however after seeing them live and hearing what these songs they way they've been intended to hear and realized they are brilliant!

Recommended Track: Cue the Elephants

9. Ben Folds: University A Cappella - After seeing the video of a college a capella group singing his cover of "Bitches Ain't Shit" ben folds decided to have an online contest where a capella groups could submit their videos and he'd pick the best ones and put them on a CD. Some tracks are better than others and I was extremely disappointed by the rendition of "Evaporated"

Recommended Track: The University of Georgia performing You Don't Know Me

8. Norah Jones: The Fall - This CD is completely different than anything Norah Jones has previously released. It focuses more on Pop than the Jazz and Country of her past albums. Norah Jones will never record another "Come Away With Me" but that doesn't make this album any less interesting.

Recommended Track: Chasing Pirates

7. Flight of the Conchords: I Told You I was Freaky - Flight of the Conchords' second season was less than stellar. Compared to how brilliant the first season was the second season felt rushed and certainly lacked the laugh out loud jokes that make the first season so enjoyable. Regardless their second album is still a great album and not as a comedy CD but as a musical accomplishment it is impressive, perhaps even more impressive than their debut album last year.

Recommended Track: Sugarlumps

6. Weezer: Raditude - People give Weezer a bunch of crap for not being "Pinkerton Weezer" but what makes no sense to me is that this album is literally Weezer doing what Weezer does best, making good catchy songs. Is every single track on Raditude a winner? No, but Weezer (much like Green day and Blink 182) are always above average even at their worst.

Recommended Tracks: The Girl Got Hot

5. Lonely Island: Incredibad - Lonely Island has always been well loved for their songs on SNL. Between Lazy Sunday, Dick in a Box and I'm On a Boat. When they announced a CD release it was tough to decide if it was going to be hilarious or a disappointment, but with this release it's proof that Lonely Island to Hip Hop is what Tenacious D is to Metal. I believe you could play this CD at a party and no one would know it was a comedy CD unless they listened to the lyrics

Recommended Track: Punch you in the Jeans

4. Relient K: Forget and Not Slow Down - Relient K of now is not the same band I saw in a church basement a decade ago. Ten years ago the band was a christian blink 182, they were young and weird and silly, occasionally they'd talk about God but they more mostly about a G-rated good time. Now they're mature and writing concept albums and this is their finest record as the "new Relient K". It's a story of a break-up and a break-down and then a rebuild.

Recommended Track: Part of It

3. Mewithoutyou: It's All Crazy! It's All False! It's All A Dream! It's Alright! - Mewithoutyou is another band that has changed quite a bit over the years. For two albums they were poetic post-hardcore screamo, suddenly, they stopped screaming and put down their electric guitars for acoustic guitars. A few years ago this change occurred but with their newest album under the production/guest vocals of "Brother" Danielson Smith the band created one of the most magical CDs of the decade channelling elements of Neutral Milk Hotel and other alt-folk indie rockers

Recommended Track: The Fox, The Crow & The Cookie

2. The March Hare: Mister Nimbus - No band breaking up upsets me more than The March Hare. Not enough people know who this band is because they were an unsigned indie band from Philadelphia, they were a band for almost 4 years before finally releasing their first (and last) LP. It is one of the most amazing and well constructed albums I've ever heard. Everytime I listen to it, it provides me something new to love about it.

Recommended Track: Dial 9-11

1. fun. - Aim & Ignite - When the Format broke up and I heard that Nate had formed a new band featuring members of Anathallo & Steel Train I felt there was no way the album would be a disappointment. As it got closer and closer to the CD release I started worrying it would disappointing like the Star wars Prequels... thankfully the former thought was the correct one. Every single second of this album is brilliant, every line of lyric, every plug of a string all of it. It's amazing from start to finish.

Recommended Track: Besides the whole fucking album... The Gambler or Be Calm

TOP 10 CDS of 1999

1. The Get Up Kids: Something to write Home About - The Get Up Kids is the greatest Emo CD ever written and easily one of the top 100 greatest CD ever made, everyone should own this album if they don't already.
2. The Ataris: Blue Skies, Broken Hearts, next 12 Exits - This isn't the Atari's best album in my opinion (99% of Punk Music fans will disagree with me) but regardless it's an amazing album. It contains the song San Damis High School Football Rules which is the greatest pop punk song ever written.
3. Eminem: The Slim Shady LP - I think that "My Name Is..." might very well be the greatest debut single ever. This album has some of the greatest tongue-in-cheek word play in rap history.
4. Blink 182: Enema of the State - This is the album that made Blink 182 the biggest band in the world for a while and with good reason, it's catchy and fun. We can only hope that with their new album they can still keep it as fun as this album.
5. Limp Bizkit: Significant Other - Limp Bizkit has become the butt of various jokes now about the music scene but this album is incredible. Limp Bizkit is NOT Fred Durst... its all about the visionary musical styles of Wes Borland
6. Jimmie’s Chicken Shack: Bring Your Own Stereo - The entire album is about Jimi's old girlfriend, I'm sorry that he got his heart broke but if it means that the music was going to be this amazing then I'm glad it happened
7. Red Hot Chili Peppers: Californication - This is when the band really started to shine as more than just a wacky group of California musicians
8. Fenix*TX - One of the Original Punk-Ass bands singing songs like "The rooster song" which starts every line with "I gotta big cock"
9. Dogwood: More than Conquerors - The lead vocalist always leaves something to be desired by he's got alot of power in his off-key singing.
10. “Weird Al” Yankovic: Running with Scissors - Possibly one of Al's greatest albums

What I've Seen past and present

10. Community College  - Nobody has seen or heard of this movie because it was made by my friends in New Jersey. It's an original and funny movie that works almost like a live-action Calvin & Hobbes constantly dancing between fantasy and reality. I think in time it can become a real cult classic.

9. Watchmen - Not everyone loved Watchmen but I for one felt this was the best movie adaptation of the comic you could ever possibly get. I think we also got a better ending out of this movie than we did in the comic not to mention pitch-perfect performances of characters we've loved for years.

8. Funny People - While the movie is admittedly very long and feels like two different movies combined into one it's the heart of the film that really makes it memorable. The best part of this movie is the way it uses real footage of it's actors to blur the lines of reality in a touching film.

7. Zombieland - Someone once told me this was the best zombie movie of all time. I don't agree with that particular statement but it is one of the more well written ones in recent time. I think that the 2nd half of the movie is much more entertaining than the first half specifically when the film picks up stem with a very unexpected but hilarious cameo

6. The Hangover - It was advertised as a really offensive in your face comedy from the same people who gave us Road Trip and Old School. While it had offensive humor it wasn't like the typical college humor gross out. It was a smart, well-written and compelling mystery full with unexpected twists and turns and hilarious one liners.

5. Crank 2 - I'll admit that Crank and Crank 2 are not the most brilliant movies ever written but I will say that I will NEVER have as much fun watching a movie as I did the first time I watched Crank 2 in the theaters. The entire film plays like a giant fuck you to the typical action genre. It's unrealistic, fast-paced, violent and crude and it doesn't give a shit about it. That's the true charm.

4. District 9 - I managed to avoid almost everything about this movie so when I finally saw it I was legitimately surprised as to what it was about. What I thought was going to just be an alien war film actually turned out to be an interesting and touching picture about immigration and human rights. The documentary style ads such an interesting level of realism and the interviews early on pull you in wondering what happened to the main character.

3. Up - Pixar seems to almost never be able to do wrong. Everyone told me multiple times that it's impossible to cry during Up. They were absolutely write. Every emotion moment hits each chord so well that it's hard to not get teary-eyed every 15 minutes or so. Pixar created a children's adventure film that's also a more touching love story than anything Nicholas Sparks ever wrote.

2. Adventureland - Poor Advertising practically murdered this film before it had a chance. Adventureland is a relatable story of post college life. It's greatest appeal is that there is no villain in this film, even the characters we're supposed to dislike are likeable. If only this wasn't advertised as "Superbad and Waiting in an amusement park"

1. (500) Days of Summer - One of the best stories ever written about a break-up is so perfectly constructed around the motions of loss. It jumps around and tells the story in an almost pitch-perfect way with great songs, great performances and wonderful fantasy elements. In the same company as Eternal Sunshine, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Annie Hall

In retrospect... ten years ago, these are the best movies from 1999

10. Being John Malkovich - Spike Jonze and Charlie Kaufman give us one of the most bizarre mind-fuck films ever

9. Office Space - Working in a cubic never looked so awful but Mike Judge's directoral debut is the ultimate work-rebellion story

8. Man on the Moon - Jim Carey brings the best performance of his life in this telling of Andy Kaufman's life. Extremely touching and well written.

7. Run Lola Run - The brilliant foreign film teaching us in 3 different version of the same story about how the smallest little thing could change the course of an event.

6. Titus - Shakespeare has never seemed so violent and outrageous. Where Shakespeare's original lacks in story the adapation makes up in appearance

5. South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut - The South Park boys hit the big screen in a musical comedy that is better written than any of the mainstream musicals in the last few years (I'm looking at you Hairspray)

4. American Pie - The most honest high school film not written by John Hughes. The characters are relatable and their personal growth is touching

3. The Iron Giant - Brad Bird proved his brilliance in this 2-D film that mixes comedy, sci-fi and mixes lots of heart to create a wonderful fantasy that leaves you wanting more each viewing

2. Election - One of the darkest high school films ever made. While American Pie and John Hughes films are touching Election shows the darkness in high school hiarchy.

1. Fight Club - This very well might be one of the best movies of the 90's. It will be a film that is watched and re-watched and studied over and over again for years to come.

and a season for change

It's incredible how the holidays can make some people (ie: Myself) become very emotional and reflective. I spend roughly 8 or 9 hours with my family for Thanksgiving and it leads to me running back to my blog that hasn't been touched since July. Is this a return to form? Not likely, it's simply me finally having something to say. Much has happened over roughly 6 months of time. I've made new friends, made plans of the future, made DVD purchases and started new jobs. I've even witness some major celebrities die. This is about death and influence.

This thanksgiving I was on the verge of crying at least three different times. All three of those times were due to some form of death be it real or fictional people. All of these incidents were related to Television and movies which is sad. I almost feel like Peter Sellers in Being There. The first incident was during my breakfast with the family, we finished up and I was helping my mom clean the table. While I cleaned I told her all about the film Up. Without even watching the movie but simply reflecting on the first 15 minutes I got teary-eyed. When I spoke of the undying love that Carl had for Ellie, I couldn't help but wish for a similar love to enter my life. Someone whom I've described in a previous blog about Before Sunset. I know that I won't be alone forever, but with every passing day the patience to wait for someone to love gets harder and harder.

Shortly after cleaning the dishes my mother wanted to watch the Sesame Street: 40 years of Sunny Days DVD that I had recently purchased. I told her i consider it to be the greatest DVD in my DVD collection. (For those of you curious the rest of the top 10 goes: 2. Clerks X, 3. The Muppet Show: Season 1, 4. Kaiju Big Battle Volume 1, 5. Marx Brothers: Silver Screen Collection, 6. The State: The Complete Series, 7. Monster Squad, 8. Tenacious D: Complete Masterworks Volume 1, 9. Monty Python & the Holy Grail, 10. Undeclared: the Complete Series) There is a segment on the DVD that has made me cry every single time I've seen it, it's the infamous sequence in which Big Bird discovers that Sesame Street resident Mr. Hooper has died. What makes the scene all the more emotionally heart-wrenching is the fact that the actor who played Mr. Hooper really had died and the cast members who are speaking about him are clearly emotional over the lose of their very good and close friend/co-worker.  This to me also shows the brilliance behind a man like Jim Henson. He gave us incredibly realistic characters out of nothing more than clothe. I think every person can relate to the Muppets in some way and in most cases everyone can be compared to at least one Muppet. That however is an essay for another day.

Finally I got my grandmother's house where I had some lunch, afterwards I went down in the basement where my family was watching television. As they flipped through the channels I realized something very strange. Almost every channel seemed to be playing a John Hughes movie. Uncle Buck was on one channel, Planes, Trains & Automobiles on another channel, a Home Alone Marathon on FX. This was all the more upsetting because John Hughes death this fall was the first time that I've gotten upset at the loss of a celebrity in years. There are three speeches or dialogue exchanges from the three movies that I named that truly showed the brilliance beauty behind John Hughes that will make his death all the more upsetting to me.

Uncle Buck

"I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, and I'm coming looking for you!"

What's not to love about this comment. So many times in my life I've felt like teachers and other adults have looked down at me and my friends for still believing in ourselves. We allow ourselves to work terrible jobs just so we can spend the weekends writing, drawing and filming all hoping to one day be something important. John Hughes knew the importance of that and saw the way that some people see being a "day-dreamer" and "having an active imagination" as being a "bad kid".

Planes, Trains & Automobiles

"You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right, I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you... but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me; I'm not changing. I like... I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get"

I don't know if it's the dialogue, John Candy's delivery or a combination of the both but this is my all-time favorite moment in a movie. In my life (and I'm sure everyone else's) we've found people who are so unhappy and negative. As often as I get depressed or upset sometimes, I still try to be a caring and understanding individual. So many times I've thought this speech in my head when dealing with people who seem to hate everyone and everything. John Hughes always did love the types of outcasts that the rest of the world turned their shoulder on and nothing speaks that better than this monologue.

Home Alone

To write everything that is said in the scene I want to cover would take up fair too much space. It's close enough to christmas for you to pop your copy of Home Alone in (come on, you know you own it and if you don't what the hell are you doing!?) and watch it. The scene that touched me is the scene where Marley (Kevin's creepy neighbor) and Kevin are talking in the church. Marley opens up about not having seen his son in years and being afraid to call him and apologize and with the complete innocence of an 8-year old Kevin simply suggests that he try it anyway. 

John Hughes loved children. It was clear in everything he wrote. Almost every movie was a love letter to kids from 8 to 18. Home Alone shows his understanding of childhood innocence better than any film before it or after it.

It's now 7PM on Thanksgiving night, I have to work Black Friday tomorrow but I don't care because I am now... officially in the Christmas Spirit.

I Now Pronounce you... a disaster

Fourth of  July, it's a time for fireworks, Barbecues and times with your family... that is, unless you're me. I was asked to DJ a wedding in Doylestown (roughly an hour drive from my house). This wedding was all different shades of a disaster, and here's a list of reasons why (some avoidable, some unavoidable, some just plain based on crappy personalities) Let's begin with the major problem:

1) Don't EVER have your Reception outside: While it seems to be every one's dream to have an outdoor wedding, most people know that outdoor receptions are a little rougher. In fact, a lot of places will straight up refuse to deal with outdoor receptions because they know its a disaster waiting to happen. The wedding that I DJ-ed was in an uncle's backyard (granted he had A LOT of property), throughout the wedding wind would kick up and blow over the potted plants on the tables causing the water inside the vase to spill everywhere on the table and on guests laps and plates of food.

2) DON'T put your DJ is a FUCKING GARAGE!: My set up that I brought to this show was HUGE. A sound board with 4 CD players built into it, four speakers, 3 CD books and a 4-light system ran through a switchboard. What did they give me? A Table for tailgating and shoved me in their garage. Know what happens when you have that much power running in a small space? Circuit breakers tend to get over-ride and shut off the power. Guess when that happened... DURING THEIR FIRST DANCE AS A COUPLE!

3) If you're 20+ and still act like a college frat house bro you're NOT allowed to be married: This wedding was like watching every hated character from every Teen Flick and College film gathered in one group. The wedding party was the Alpha-Betas, Mike Dexter and Omega Thea Pi hanging out together, but when that modern twist. The Men in the party wore khaki pants, untucked white collared shirts and gray flip-flops, the women at the party wore flip flops as well, during the reception they walked around with a bucket of flip-flops to hand out to EVERYONE who attended (except that DJ, but he was super hetero so he didn't care). The Drunker they got the more retarded they became. There's a scene in the movie Whatever it Takes where two of the Jock characters throw fireworks at a girls feet in the middle of a party just to laugh at them and end up getting with the girls, I always believed this was just a movie, until I witness that EXACT FUCKING THING HAPPEN! Not only did they throw fireworks a girl while she was dancing, she and her friends called them both assholes and ended up making out with them a few minutes later. I really knew they were douche when they asked me to play Journey, Big and Rich and Toby Keith MULTIPLE times... Which leads me too.

4) If you're a Country fan, and so is EVERYONE in your family tree, you should TELL THE DJ THAT: Most DJ's, tend to make their money doing high school and college events or bar gigs. These events tend to involve playing mostly the "big hits of today". Now every DJ is always has the "classic" party songs (90's rap, disco, line-dances, etc), but there's one genre that most DJ's don't carry much of, Country. Unless it's one of the biggest country songs out there ("Save a Horse - Big & Rich", "Amazed - Lonestar", etc) DJ's aren't very well supplied in that genre. If you don't tell the DJ that he needs country (and giving specific songs would be even MORE amazing) then don't yell at him when he DOESN'T have the music your guests request. In fact when I did my friend Mark and Laura's wedding they specifically sent me a list of 100 songs not necessarily to play but to be a GUIDELINE to what I should have with me.

I can't put a number down for this one, but if you read that list, you'll see how this wedding went DJ wise, after the Journey and Big & Rich the people were on the dance floor. I was suppose to wrap it all up at 10. The last song I was suppose to play was You and Me by Lifehouse. I started playing the song and packed up the microphone and everything else and I look up to see the bride, not dancing with her husband, but crying uncontrollably, I was asked to please fade the music out because the Bride's grandfather died on the way home. This is not funny, it's actually very upsetting, specifically to me... up until this point I had a pretty awesome stand-up routine based around this event. 

Scrubbing the Surface

A week ago, my favorite show of all time Scrubs had a finale. Was it a SERIES finale or  just a Season Finale nobody seems to know. I do know this much, if there is a new season of this show, I'm going to be EXTREMELY angrily. I faithfully have followed this show for roughly 4 years.

It started in 2004 when I first saw Garden State which was despite the fact that the "quality" of the movie is constantly debatable, it had a huge impact on my life. At that point in 2004, I was Andrew Largeman. I was getting ready for college and I had no clue what do with my life and my relationship with my family wasn't the strongest in the world (it's funny how some things don't change much).  I knew that the movie was starring, written and directed by this guy Zach Braff that was only really known for some hospital show Scrubs. At the time I worked at an old folks home in the cafe with a man named James (who I still would rank as one of the best - if not the- best bosses I've ever had). He was a huge fan of Scrubs and constantly told me that i reminded him of the main character J.D. (he was the first in a long line of people to do so).

My freshmen year of college I got a netflix account and put this Scrubs show on my queue. I remember chuckling a little bit during the first two episodes. But then came an episode called My Old Lady this episode is not only my favorite episode of the show but it's also one of the only things that will make me cry EVERY TIME I WATCH IT. There was a piece of me that realized that I really WAS J.D. and that what this dying lady was telling him to do was what I SHOULD BE DOING. Beyond that she reminded me alot of my grandfather and what it was like to watch him except death so positively.

I immediately went out and purchased the first 2 seasons on DVD and made many of my friends and family members watch it. As college continued I got more and more "J.D. comparisons". Whenever a new season came out I'd call out of work or skip classes or whatever I needed to do and bought the season and gathered with friends to watch it together. There were lots of laughs and occasionally misty eyes. We'd gather and watch the new episodes as they aired on NBC and constantly tried to figure out how the show was going to end.

When the show moved to ABC we prepared for what was suppose to be the last season, but was definitely Bill Lawrence (the show's creator) and Zach Braff's last season. I've never been so committed to following a TV series as I was with Scrubs specifically in this final season. As we get to the conclusion of this series we see our hero J.D. getting ready to move on with his life. He's got his girlfriend Elliot (who we were promised he'd never end up with on various commentary tracks), a new job and a new home located closer to his son. The Finale takes place on J.D.'s last day at work and he desperately wants a memorable send off which Elliot and Turk provide. However, Dr. Cox the man who J.D. has desperately wanted the love and affection of will not acknowledge this departure as significant in any way, shape or form. 

J.D. finally tricks Dr. Cox into finally expressing his true emotions and while it was a humorous moment, that's when the "choking up" offically began for me. J.D. turns around the corner where he's greeted (in his head) by anyone that ever had anything to do with the show including various characters who died. One of these characters is the women from My Old Lady just seeing her and hearing her ask "Did you ever get to go on that picnic" began the waterworks for me. We conclude with J.D. looking at an imaginary movie screen (created by the 'Goodbye J.D.' sign that his best friend Turk has hung up) and to the PERFECT music choice of The Book of Love by Peter Gabriel, J.D. imagines his future. Marrying Elliot, her having a baby, his son and Turk's daughter getting married and him living happily ever after. As J.D. walks past a Janitor (played by Bill Lawrence in a simple by symbolic cameo) who's throwing out the Goodbye J.D. sign he thinks "why can't, just this once, my fantasy be a reality."

I'm going to miss this show and it's impact. But this is the way it MUST end. To continue it would be a great injustice to the show and it's fans. What's been bothering me is that every time I watch this episode, I still get upset. It's because this episode has shown me how much like J.D. I truly am (or rather have become). I've lived in a lifestyle where my family isn't very open about their emotions and my friends are even more shut off. I have never, ever imagined that a TV show would have this much of an impact on me and even furthermore, show me a side of myself that I didn't know I had.

While I sit in my bed still bitter about a break up that happened months ago, I'm watching my friends moving on with their lives. They're getting married, having kids and careers. I'm constantly afraid of being forgotten. In fact the only fear I have is that one day I'm going to die and not a single person will notice that I'm gone. 

I've also realized that over the last few weeks/months. I've spent a large bulk of my time as a comforter to my friends. I've helped them through break ups, stress and even helped someone I hardly knew get a new job (meanwhile I still remain unemployed). I don't know why I do these things. I don't think that I should be applauded or patted on the back for helping people. It seems silly really. Anyone can help a friend and most people do. But it seems like when I meet people, they instant take trust in me. I don't know why this is. But I hope to God that if nothing else, when I die (be it tomorrow or 50 years from now), people will say that I loved people. 

The Beautiful night in Paris I never had

About two years after seeing the original I've finally gotten around to seeing Before Sunset the sequel to Before Sunrise which is one of the most beautiful and romantic movies ever made. While watching this movie I was struck with the sudden realization that while I have crushes galore, I know what I want. 

I can fall in love with every beautiful face that comes around, I can look at every girl and decided "too fat", "too skinny" or "just right" like I'm Goldilocks just sitting in various chairs until I find the one that fits. But I've realized I know what I want. I don't know who, but I know what. Perhaps I have high standards and maybe I'll be single for years from now who knows but I know what I need.

It seems like every time I meet a girl who I like and I think she likes me, I'm wrong. Likewise every time I meet a girl who I like but I think she'd never like me that way, I'm wrong again. I'm the king of poor decisions and bad timing. I can't read anyone and I either make a move to soon or not soon enough. There's a girl who I've been talking to a lot lately. For the first time I'm pretty sure that my instincts are totally right. Sadly my instincts are telling me that this person doesn't like me that way and it's a shame.

In my brain I've had a large pile of "date ideas". Laying out in the Park at night staring at stars, trips to the mountains and the beach, picnics, trips to a park just because, concerts, movies, dinners by candlelight, hell it's a dream of mine to simply cuddle up on a couch with a girl and watch a movie like Harvey or It happened one night or Some like it hot. I want a classical girl that also has a nice healthy blending of indie/art school girl.

Even more important to me is that I want a girl to create with. The other day I was looking at a picture of puppeters working on a movie and it made me think about how Jim Henson and his wife were constantly working together. I don't want to be a filmmaker who does his own thing while his wife is sitting in a office building somewhere. That's not to say that I don't want her to have her own career at all but it's far more fun to create with various people then to just create on your own and I'd love a girlfriend who would create with me.

I think the girl I'm talking about exists, I think I met her and I think that these are all the things she's looking for too. I also think that she doesn't like me that way, even more confusing is that I'm pretty sure she'll eventually read this. I heavily advertise my blog to people through Facebook, twitter, and on AIM. Despite the fact that I'm sure there will be at least 4-5 girls who will think this is about them, I have a strong feeling that the person it's actually about will be clueless that it's about her.

It's weird, I normally am scared to tell any women in my life about this blog. Perhaps it's my discussing of crushes or the fact that I constantly talk about masterbation and sex in here but everytime I directly link a girl to my blog to read an entry, I'm always afraid she'll read other entries and have a change of opinion on me. But I have to say that this is the scariest entry I've ever posted because I think I've really opened myself up too much for my own good.