True Love Will Find You In The End

I am in Love. But I am in Love with the Idea of Love. This is a long time problem of mine. I think I've fascinated about being in a relationship with someone as far back is 2nd grade. It wasn't so much about sex or kisses... it was just about having a girlfriend. Despite all of this, I've only had 3 official girlfriends, a small amount of sexual partners and the combined amount of relationship time totals to roughly a year and a half out of 25 years. My point being, I spend more time thinking about love than actually being in love and subsequently making love.

Since I "announced" my plans to move from East Coast to West Coast it's caused me to reflect quite a bit on my life and relationships. I've also noticed it makes people climb out of the woodwork to "confess secret love" relatively frequently. This has lead me to realizing that I've been cockblocking myself for 25 years through 3 major problems.

1. I have very little self esteem. This is normally a deal breaker, but you can get away with it if you're smooth. I'm not. Turns out self-deprciating humor and openly discussing your lack of self esteem doesn't exactly make panties wet. In fact, doing just that makes panties turn into the Sahara Desert.

2. Almost more of a footnote of #1 but... I don't make any moves. Like Ever! In fact the closest thing to a move that I have is the arm around a girl. Turns out that's rarely enough... it's a start but you gotta have the confidence to make that real first move, aka the kiss. To use a term from Geekscape I never seem to Cup the Puss. Recently a friend of mine told me that she used to have a crush on me back in college. She's engaged, I'm leaving in 2 months, so there is nothing to develop from this statement/information. What upset me the most was this... she'd had a crush on me for something like 6 years, I had a crush for the same amount time but I never had the balls to make a move. How socially retarded am I to "subtle hints" that i should make the first move? Here's an example: One day while I was working at MAB paint. This girl walked in out of the blue just before close. She wanted to know if I had plans that night, I did not. So we decided to hang out, I change into my normal clothes and we go to Giant and she buys a bunch of random ingredients and makes me a Chicken Alfredo Pasta (my favorite meal), then we watch Pootie-Tang and she started cuddling with me on the couch. Any person with an ounce of sense and little self respect would have gotten the hint, I was clueless. But I've learned from my mistakes. Next time a girl makes me food and puts on a Chris Rock movie... I HAVE TO FUCK THEM!

3. I take bros before hoes way too seriously. I believe in bro before hoes for the most part. If your best friend just had their heart destroyed by a girl; that girl is off limits between you and any of his other close friends. My problem is that I extended this rule to "anyone I know on a somewhat personal level" and it didn't just go with ex's but also "crushes, friends and relatives". As you can already see... this literally cuts off almost every girl that you meet. I'd say 9/10 of my female friends I know because they were (a) dating a friend, (b) Related to a friend or (c) a Friend of a friend. Of my 3 girlfriends only one of these wasn't the case.

LA I shall hopefully learn from the mistakes of a relationship-retarded 18-23 year old east-coaster and be a mildly smooth 25 year old West Coaster. At one point I considered supply a list of past crushes and relationships, but I mean... it seems like I already made this entry totally boring as is. Perhaps for a blog entry for another day.

Sex, Porn, Addiction and Murder: The Last Nail in my Coffin

Before reading this it should be noted that if you are a relative or family member that it might be a good idea to skip this particular blog entry.

Recently (today) I made a very weird DVD purchase. While I was in the Best Buy my eyes ventured toward a DVD called American Serial Killers: Portraits of Evil. I’ve always had a very bizarre interest in Serial Killers, a fascination that apparently only Chuck Klosterman and John Waters can relate to. There’s something about how evil someone must be to not just kill another human being, but further do the things involved in these cases such as eating people, making soup bowls of skulls or having sex with corpses. When I purchased this DVD my friend Graham made a statement “Good purchase, it’s sure to put that final nail in the never getting laid coffin”. Well Graham, if that wasn’t true with that DVD purchase… this blog entry is sure to put the nail in there.

In retrospective this DVD I purchased will be in my collection forever. And since I alphabetize my DVD collection it’s safe to say this DVD will always be on the first 2 shelves. No matter what I do, any time I meet someone, this will be one of the first DVDs that they see and I’ll most likely lie and say that I bought it as a conversation starter and if they read my blog than they will immediately call me out and force me to explain my purchase. In the show How I Met Your Mother Neil Patrick Harris’ character Barney Stinson wanted to make his house completely uninviting to women and thus proudly displayed his porno collection. I can’t help but wonder if that would seem less weird to people than having a DVD chronicling the worst examples of humankind. Ironically sex is typically associated with both.

What if I started displaying porn (if I owned any) proudly? Why should that be a problem? What man doesn’t watch porn? God knows that I watch it. I’d hardly call myself an addict. I don’t need to watch it every day, I’ve even gone multiple weeks without it, a fact that has shocked many of my male friends. I think that porn is a wonderful thing actually. It gives you a chance to see things that you probably would NEVER do if you had a chance. I, for example, end up watching a girl getting double teamed because well, I’d never ever want to have sex with someone while another guy is there (even if he’s in on the action). To Steal a joke from Mike Birbiglia (because I 100% agree with him) “I know when I’m done having sex my first thought is ‘thank god, no one else saw that’”. I’d also never have a three-way with two girls because I refuse to disappoint two women at once.

I don’t understand the addiction to porn. But I really don’t understand the notion that having an addiction to porn is necessarily a bad thing. I mean I’m not saying it’s a good thing because an addiction to anything is bad, but we all have addictions. I’m addicted to collecting crap like DVDs, CDs, Books and Comic Books that help make me look like a pretencious geek. But what is the harm in someone wanting to look at two people fuck so he can give himself some loving? He’s not hurting anyone. He could be out there acting like one of the people in my American Serial Killers DVD but he’s not. And one could argue that he’d actually get laid more, I mean John Wayne Gacy, Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer got lots sex out of it. I’d put Ed Gein on here but I don’t think fucking a corpse counts has having sex, does it?

Is there any point to this blog? Well the answer is, is there ever really? The answer to that is, of course not. If there’s nothing else it all comes down to the original statement by Graham, this has been the last nail in my coffin.