Short Oh, Short Oh, Long Oh

The other night I noticed that a few things on my Netflix watch instantly were about to "expire" including some Sam Kinison stand-up. It Feels as though I've always known of Sam Kinison even though I've never watched his stand up. In fact all I've really seen him in was Back to School and a cameo in Married With Children. He also did a voice only cameo in one of my favorite episodes of Tales From the Crypt. Regardless I'd never seen any of his stand-up, so I decided to watch his HBO special, breaking the rules.

Well... I'm sure I'm going to get a lot of flack for this but... I found it mostly boring and unfunny. I suppose in the 80's it was hilariously shocking but now it's just a fat guy screaming. I once heard a comedian sum up Kinison's comedy style as being 3 key elements. Short Oh, Short Oh Again and finally a Long oh



It got me thinking about two things simultaneously. The first thing was Chuck Klosterman's book "Killing yourself to Live". The Concept behind this book is that many musicians (Jeff Buckley, Kurt Cobain, Sid Vicious) benefited more from dying an early death than anything that would have happened to them had they lives a long healthy life. I also thought about Andrew "Dice" Clay. I get the feeling that one of the biggest reasons Sam is beloved and praised comic while "Who is Andrew Dice Clay" is the question to the Jeopardy answer "this comedian of the 80's became a target and butt of jokes for being untalented and unfunny", lies in one's young death in his prime and the other's seeming in-ability to never die.

Sam Kinison is definitely part of the "funny fat guy dying in his prime" trifecta. The other two obviously being Chris Farley and John Belushi.

Belushi probably would have (had he never died) gone on to make a few decent comedies (he was intended to be a ghostbuster) and I think in his later years gone the Bill Murray route of indie films and Dramedies. In all this he probably would have still be somewhat haunted by Blutto and continued to despise the people who saw him live strictly because of Animal House. That being said though, I think even with this prediction. His popularity wouldn't be NEARLY what it is today.

I have no doubt in my mind that death was the greatest asset to Chris Farley's legacy. While intensely funny, he just wasn't leading man material. Films like Almost Heroes and Beverly Hills Ninja have occasional moments of hilarity sprinkled amongst them; but Farley was always at his best doing small roles in films like Billy Madison and Dirty Work. Had Chris Farley not died it's very possible he'd have continued in non-David spade co-starring movies (basically lets face it, while both are pretty funny on their own... they worked best as a team. The 90's Abbott & Costello) until he was nothing more than "Fat Rob Schneider".

Two of these 3 comedians have proposed biopics in the making. Despite my dislike of Sam Kinison's stand-up, I find the man himself to be quite interesting. I'm definitely most interested in his biopic. If anyone besides Dan Folger is cast as Kinison that'd be a crime against nature (much like if the John Belushi biopic wasn't starring Jack Black and titled Don't Look Back in Anger).

I'm still open minded to Kinison however, I welcome all Sam Kinison fans who read this to recommend other routines or comedy specials of his that may change my opinion.

Jury Duty and Other Pauly Shore Movies

Today I didn't have to Work. I had Jury Duty. In retrospect... I shouldn't have told them I had Jury Duty, I should have just called out sick. I discovered that I don't even have the benefit of getting a paid day off... it's just a day off. At least a sick day I'd have made money. Anyway... I arrived to the court house at 9am.

This is not "early" for most folks... but you should keep in mind that I work until 2am every night (and last night wasn't any exception). I was tired to say the least and arrive in a giant room with a bunch of TVs playing Regis and Kelly. I walked in with a book under my arm and a laptop in hand ready to kill some hours getting some work done... until I discovered that this particular juror's lounge lacked a wifi. So I promptly began reading my book of choice Rules of Attraction by Bret Easton Ellis. I've read it a few times before and frequently list it as one of my top 5 favorite books. Perhaps it was due to the setting but this time while there were parts I greatly enjoyed, I didn't love the book as a whole as much as I used too. As Noon approached they announced we had an hour to go out and buy ourselves lunch.

Now I've never done Jury Duty before so I was at least mildly shocked that we had to buy our own food. We're missing work and you can't even provide us some food? Surely, our paychecks (which no I will not donate to a children's charity today) will include the money we spent on food. I took in some delicious Zac's Burgers (actually the burgers were bland but the french fries and milk-shake kicked MAJOR ass)

I returned to the juror's lounge after my meal. Someone had changed the Television station to ABC Family where I watched the most DEPRESSING SITCOM EPISODES EVER (specifically the 2 episodes of 8 simple rules of dating my teenager daughter immediately after John Ritter's death). The only thing keeping me entertained at this point (due to me finishing the book and having no wifi) was text messages from my friend Jackie. Suddenly I hear my name called... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I got pulled into the court room with 49 other people. I did everything in my power to avoid being picked as a juror, the judge said this trail would go possibly two days long. I'm moving to LA in less than 80 days, I can't miss that many days of unpaid work days. I do take pride that unlike some other people in the court room I wasn't shameless in trying to get out.

According to Potential Juror #11 he is a racist, owns a gun, is friends with police officers, does not believe in innocent until proven guilty and was part of a similar criminal charge. He also claimed to be mentally unstable. This could be true. He spent the rest of the selection process mumbling and talking to himself. Either he was mildly insane or extremely committed to his insanity. in the end I didn't get selected and was free to go home. But at least I was able to pick up my check... for $11.27!

Fuck you Judicial System! But furthermore fuck you Pauly Shore! YES YOU PAULY SHORE! You think I don't remember Jury Duty?!



For those of you too young to know Pauly Shore was a VJ on MTV in the 90's who somehow became the star of multiple movies (in the same vein as other confusing 'celebrities' like paris hilton and the cast of jersey shore). What's more confusing or somewhat sadder is that I also own all of his movies. The best (in my opinion) being Jury Duty.

Now Pauly Shore's movie concepts are all the same. Super cool guy everyone loves (a stretch right at the start) deals with being in an extra-ordinary circumstance. These included the south (Son-in-Law), the Army (in the army now), a bio-dome (bio dome) and of course the court system (Jury Duty).

What's confusing about Jury Duty is that this movie is basically a parody of 12 Angry Men, a movie that most of Pauly's key-demographic wouldn't see for another 10 years (if they see it at all). I remember being in a film class watching 12 Angry men for the first time and going "holy shit! It's like Jury Duty!" I realize that this connection either made me the most unique kid in film classic or the biggest idiot in film class. I'm leaning towards the former though, the dumbest kid in class was definitely the one who asked if "thelma and louise survived at the end".

For Pauly Shore Jury Duty is a great experience leading to a life of luxury for him and his adorable dog, furthermore his slacker-dumb keeps an innocent man from getting the death penalty (through a series of highly impossible circumstances). What they left out is the miserable, uncomfortable and 2 hour selection process.

The moral of the story is when you get summoned... LIE! LIE YOUR ASS OFF! You're a racist, you're a drug dealer, you're dad is dying and you're taking care of him... whatever it takes!

Sex, Drugs & Cocoa Puffs - Book Review

The first book I ever read that I actually enjoyed was Stephen Chbosky's Perks of Being a Wallflower. The problem with this book however was that it basically became the ONLY book i enjoyed reading. It wasn't until my freshmen year in college when I started to sincerely start reading, I worked at a really shitty store in the mall that was across the hall from the borders books. Being an employee almost as shitty as the store I worked at, I started locking up the store for 10 minutes to walk across the hall and purchase books to keep me entertained.

My friend Shrop was constantly mentioning this book in casual conversation about a year previous. I picked up Klosterman's 3rd novel Killing Yourself to Live and absolutely loved it. I eventually ordered a copy of Sex Drugs & Cocoa Puffs. About a week later while at work my cell phone rang informing me my book had arrived. I immediately closed up shop and walked across the hall to pick it up.

Now for those of you who don't know; Chuck Klosterman is a pop culture essayist who has written 3 books of pop culture essays (SD&CP, Chuck Klosterman IV and Eating the Dinosaur), 2 semi-autobiographic books about a specify focus of Pop Culture (Fargo Rock City about Metal; Killing Yourself to Live about how death affects celebrity) and a Novel (Downtown Owl). Sex Drugs & Cocoa Puffs is probably his most well loved and well known book. I agree with this opinion.

While I sat at this shitty job reading (we made on average; 10-15 sales a day... if we were lucky; so I had plenty of time to read), it only took page 2 to decide that this may be the best book i ever purchased. Little did I know that it would join the ranks of Bret Easton Ellis' Rules of Attraction and Nick Hornby's High Fidelty as a book I've reread more than 5 times.

What's Klosterman's best skill is that he is able to write his opinions in a way that even if you 100% disagree with his assessment (for me it's chapter 12: Sulking with Lisa Loeb on Planet Hoth where he trashes the Star Wars trilogy), you basically find yourself agreeing with points that being said by any other person you'd be infuriated and screaming.

It's difficult to review a book like this because I don't want to spoil anything. So I'll just say this: If you are interested in knowing why Coldplay and John Cusack ruined love, why Billy Joel is cool because he's completely uncool (but not like Elvis Costello), or how the Dixie Chicks are the new Van Halen, then check out Chuck Klosterman's Sex Drugs & Cocoa Puffs (and then get everything else the man has ever written).

Confessions of a Childhood Gore Hound

Geekscape is not a paying job. I hope one day it will be. But for now, it's not. That doesn't mean it doesn't have it's perks, beyond interviews with awesome guests and press passes to pretty much any convention, I also get packages in the mail of movies to review. Yesterday I got such a package, the first 22 minutes of Full Moon Features new movie Evil Bong 3D: The Wrath of Bong. It made me think about junior high.

It was the summer before I started 6th grade. Two things happened almost back to back. I rented the movie The Frightners (which was my first 'real' horror movie; although it was more of a horror-comedy)... I LOVED the movie, that same week my cousin David made me watch Scream. It was official, after years of being a pansy that didn't like the sight of blood... now i wanted to actively track down the worst of the worst. It'd start with borrowing movies from different people. Slowly I saw the classics, Halloween, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street.

In 6th grade however my parent's got an account at the local mom & pops store. I remember the first day I went there on my own. I had been talking to a kid named Adam in class and we decided to hang out after school sometime. Eventually it turned into a "sleep-over" and we decided to grab some movies. Walking through the aisles of horror movies we decided on Killer Klowns From Outer Space and Demonic Toys.

I began frequenting the video store every Friday after school. Picking up everything that I could get my hands on from Full Moon Pictures, Troma Entertainment and Empire Pictures. At the time I didn't understand Troma... I found their movies cheap and stupid. I was more of a Full Moon kid back in those days. (now that's almost completely reversed; full moon is fun but Troma is down-right brilliant).

The Summer was when it got at it's up most ridiculous. I discovered that if you returned movies the day after you rented them, your next rental was free. I'd ride my bike to the video store, pick up 3 movies, pedal back home, order a cheesesteak and make a day out of it. It was then that I started discovering movies like Bad Channels, Basket Case and Evil Dead 2.

I miss those days; as I think every gore hound does. There was something special about those afternoons. You'd never fast forward the trailers, it was the only way to know what was coming next. You'd watch Troma's Lloyd Kaufman hosted intros to each movies as well as wait after the trailers of the Full Moon Pictures for the making of segments titled VideoZone. These were the hey-days of B-horror. And I miss them. You watch films like Puppet Master 3 and there's such a legitimate passion behind them, there was an art-form. As I'm sitting here watching films like Evil Bong, Terror Toons and Gingerdead Man, there's no car or passion, just a desperate money grab with shit effects and down-and-out stars.

There is a beckon of light however for Horror, it lines in the hands of people like James Gunn, Adam Greene, Gregg Bishop, Robert Masciantonio and Rob Zombie. They're out there making movies like Dance of the Dead, Slither, Neighbor and Hatchet. They show a true passion for horror, a love for low-budget "cgi-free" effects and fun stories. If you haven't seen the films of these directors, go and track them down. They're currently the only people saving horror from being nothing but remakes and sequels.

Saint Mort Show: An Origin Story

For the last few months I've been doing my podcast the past few months. I'm certain that by this time next year I'll be one of the most famous podcasters of all time and while I'm sitting down to talk with the likes of Marc Maron, Conan O'Brien and the Nerdist Podcast crew they're going to ask the same two questions.

1. Where does the name Saint Mort come from?

2. What inspired you to do this podcast; which by the way... I think is the greatest podcast in the history of the world?

Now, I don't have time to be answering these types of questions over and over and over again... so to simplify things I'll just direct them to this blog entry and tell them to do better research next time.

So...

QUESTION 1: WHERE DOES THE NAME SAINT MORT COME FROM?

- In 2002 I was in a band with two friends (one who later became Matt Howard, yes THE Matt Howard of pop-punk superstars Racing Kites) called "Off the Wall". We were a terribly untalented pop punk band. At the time I was an extremely religious kid and wrote specifically christian lyrics. I was admittedly a bit of a stickler of what Matt and Nick (the other member) were allowed to say as 10th grade me really wanted to market us as a christian band. This was probably why the band eventually broke up. I had a few ridiculous "silly songs" and decided that I could teach myself guitar and perform as a solo artist. I was mostly wrong. I still almost a decade later can barely play guitar and am merely a "passable" singer. Up til this point, this "answer" hasn't "answered" the "question"... well be patient motherfucker... damn. ANYWAY I was performing under my name for a while (aka about 3 shows in 2 years) and was thinking about getting a stage name. It was my first day of my senior year of high school and my english teacher told us to sit wherever we want and she'd just pass around a seating chart and we could write our name in the seat we were currently located and that'd be our seat for the year. Apparently years of typing destroyed my handwriting because she thought my name was Mort. For about a month or two I played shows under that name; it was on a youth group trip (yes I was still a jesus freak at this point) my friend who was in seminary was trying to explain the term "Saint" and said a basically all you need to do to be a Saint was stand out amongst the other people. I figured that since I played silly acoustic punk songs in a predominitly hardcore music scene, that I'd be the Saint of the scene... thus the stage name Saint Mort was born and stuck.

QUESTION 2: WHAT INSPIRED YOU TO DO THIS PODCAST?
The Saint Mort Show is hardly my first podcast. For a few years I had multiple failed podcast with my best friend Jeff, all under the name Below the Radar. There was Below the Radar Radio, Below the Radar TV and then simply Below the Radar The Podcast. (the later lasted the longest with about 16 episodes). After that I ran a short lived (11 episode) call-in show called the Saint Mort Show on Sunday Nights. While it had a decent following the show never really changed much over the years (the episodes are still available on iTunes if you're curious). I had pretty much give up on Podcasting and wanted to focus more on film and Geekscape. While I started planning my move to LA I thought that maybe I could start up a new podcast specifically for my friends and I to stay in touch, almost like a blog you could listen to. The original idea was basically to rip off the Paul F Thompkast and have different sketches and segments. While listening to WTF with Marc Maron and Nerdist I decided I still wanted to have guests, but until my previous shows (which were structured like Geekscape) instead of just having people sit on a couch with me and repeating a format of movie review, music and comics talk... I decided I'd rather to do the WTF/Nerdist way of having a conversation with them.

Around the time that I was wanting to do an in depth interview, Conan returned to Television. It was from watching Conan and listening to Comedy Death Ray Radio I realized I could do the same thing. Put together a fake talk show, using all the of the "talk show format" institutions and mock them (while at the same time honoring them). That's when I decided to incorporate multiple guests and musical numbers. That's been the format I've stuck to for the last few episodes and I don't forsee it changing anytime soon. Now I Just need to find listeners.*

*I would omit this last part in the fictional interview scenario as I'd be a superstar now with MULTIPLE listeners; I'm just that fucking good*

-Check Out The Saint Mort Show at www.saintmortshow.com; new episode is coming this weekend

Are You There Blog? It's Me, Mort

So I haven't posted anything in over a month. There's no much to say so here's the simplest versions of the last month:

- I have 23 days of work left to go

- I leave for LA in less than 100 days

- On June 19th there will be a concert as my farewell party; be stoked for that (more info to come shortly)

- I've been mostly working on my podcast The Saint Mort Show. Some of my past guests have been Mink Stole (Pink Flamingos), George Hardy (Troll 2), Michael Swaim (cracked.com), filker Tom Smith and hobbit hip-hop group Lord of the Rhymes.

- I still write for geekscape and do work for them

So what is to come with this blog? I'm going to be posting more random reviews; they won't be remotely timely and mostly be me reviewing old CDs, Movies and books for shits and giggles. It'll also be the big source for Saint Mort Show related news (not to mention my twitter)

*The title of this blog is inspired by the fact that I'm currently 'Are you there God? It's Me Margaret' in a race to read all 100 of Time Magazine's 100 greatest novels since 1923 before my best friend Jeffery "Shrop" Shropshire... this book is a piece of shit and I don't recommend it to anyone outside of the intended age group. Apparently a 12 year old girl talking about wanting to grow boobs and have her period isn't a very interesting read for a 25 year old male*

Somewhere Out There Over the Rainbow Connection

It's been pretty well documented that I am obsessed with the Muppets and Jim Henson in general. It's not just because he created some of the most beloved creations on the planet, but he seemed like someone who sincerely cared about his audience. And I don't mean that in the sense that he cared if they liked his products, I mean he seemed like he absolutely wanted to make sure they were all happy and would do anything to make sure that they STAYED happy.

Muppets will always be a HUGE effect on my childhood. Disney will never really have that title. While I've seen almost every Disney Cartoon none of them were "life changing". I love A Goofy Movie and Emperor's New Groove. I used to watch Oliver & Company and Fox & the Hound constantly as a kid; Shit when I was a child I loved The Jungle Book so much I called my dad Papa Bear. But Disney never invoked an emotional reaction from me, at least not during my childhood. My point is this... Jim Henson didn't either. *GASP*

The films of Jim Henson didn't touch me until I was much older. I think this says a lot about the writing style of those movies. The Muppet Movie and Muppets Takes Manhattan mean more to me at 25 than they did at 6 or 7. As a struggling filmmaker in his mid-20s I can relate to Kermit's struggles in those films. Juggling friendship and following your dreams. There's a moment in the Muppet Movie that is in my opinion one of the greatest and most inspirational moments in cinema. At this point in the film it's looking like our heroes will NEVER make it to Hollywood and follow their dreams. Gonzo sings the song "I'm Going to Go Back There Someday" (an extremely underrated song from the world of cinema containing one of the most truthful lyrics ever ("There's Not a Word Yet/For Old Friends who've just Met" if you've never experienced meeting someone for the first time and feeling like you've known them your entire life than this lyric means NOTHING to you)). Kermit walks off to be with himself for a minute. It's symbolically shown as Kermit having a conversation with himself (aka a second Kermit Puppet). I wasn't able to find a video clip on youtube so I'll just post a dialogue.

Kermit: I didn't promise anybody anything. What do I know about Hollywood, anyway? Just a dream I got from sitting through too many double features.
Kermit's Conscience: So why did you leave the swamp in the first place?
Kermit: 'Cause some agent fella said I had talent. He probably says that to everybody.
Kermit's Conscience: On the other hand, if you hadn't left the swamp, you'd be feeling pretty miserable anyhow.
Kermit: Yeah. But then it would just be me feeling miserable. Now I got a lady pig, and a bear and a chicken, a dog, a thing, whatever Gonzo is. He's a little like a turkey.
Kermit's Conscience: Mmm - Yeah. A little like a turkey, but not much.
Kermit: No I guess not. Anyhow, I brought them all out here to the middle of nowhere, and it's all my fault.
Kermit's Conscience: Still, whether you promised them something or not, you gotta remember - they wanted to come.
Kermit: But... that's because they believed in me.
Kermit's Conscience: No, they believed in the dream.
Kermit: Well, so do I but...
Kermit's Conscience: You do?
Kermit: Yeah! Of course I do.
Kermit's Conscience: Well then?
Kermit: Well then... I guess I was wrong when I said I never promised anyone. I promised me.

Now all this Henson Love aside, who was the artist that struck my emotional chord as a child? Former Disney Animator Don Bluth. Today I found myself listening to the song Dreams to Dreams from An American Tail: Fivel Goes West and remembering how much Don Bluth depressed me, in the best possible ways. The first movie I ever saw in theaters was All Dogs Go to Heaven, as a child I watched Rock-A-Doodle on a mostly daily basis, and the first two American Tail films are heart-wretching. I knew this even as a child. Bluth was much like Henson, he NEVER spoke down to his audience. The only difference is that Henson was writing stories that would go over the young audience members heads. We watched and we learned our lessons about believing in ourselves and loving our friends and everyone around us, but most of us didn't see the BIGGER PICTURE until we were older. Don Bluth however presented us dangers and fears that we deal with at extremely young ages. Death, Never Seeing Our Family Again, Never Seeing our Friends Again. Those thing scared me just as much at 5 as it does now. That being said, Jim Henson and Don Bluth's movies also provided better soundtracks. Muppets Take Manhattan provided us with "Saying Goodbye" one of the most depressing songs ever written, only made sadder when sung by a bunch of Muppets.

When I think of Jim Henson, Don Bluth and (even though he's not my all time favorite) Walt Disney, i feel like the following quote from The Muppet Movie sums all three up quite well.
Kermit: I've got a dream too. But it's about singing and dancing and making people happy. That's the kind of dream that gets better the more people you share it with. And, well, I've found a whole bunch of friends who have the same dream. And, well, it kind of makes us like a family.

If you have a dream and you're reading this; you should apply this philosophy into your day to day life. The best dreams are the one's that get better when you share them with more people. I'm a writer for the website Geekscape, it's also the site that hosts my podcasts. While I'm a writer, I'd never call it a job, because I consider everyone there a close enough friend that they're practically family. We all have different dreams and goals... but we share those dreams with each other and try to achieve them. It makes everything better, even a failure doesn't feel so bad when you're surrounded by friends. So somewhere out there, over the rainbow connection you'll find an old friend you just met and maybe, just maybe it'll completely change your life.